As someone she wouldn’t accept flowers from.
“Miles?”My mom must have heard me walk in.She met me in the kitchen.
I looked at her despondently.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier,” she said.And that was all she was going to say to me about that topic.I felt like going to bed.There wasn’t much patience or strength left in me for the rest of this day.“And I want to tell you that soon me, you, and Gaston will be a family,” she added.“We’ll live together.The three of us.As a family.”
She said it like an apologetic solution to what she knew I had been feeling.She could have been serious, or just saying it without meaning it; I never really knew.Still, it wasn’t a solution for me.
“I’m moving away, Mom.I’ve decided to accept the scholarship.”
My mother stood motionless.She didn’t look upset.She didn’t look excited either.I had the feeling we were both simply devastated by the day.
Chapter 28
Miles
July 28th, 1999
Wednesday
Late July.The day before I left for college for the pre-orientation program.
I walked to Miss Amara’s home.
I wanted to say goodbye to her one last time.We had been together at the CIC a few times during the month.Last week, I had caved to her worried questions and, with her full attention, told her a little about my mother’s actions and my connection to Ben.But not about the fight with Ella.
Ella wasn’t in town.She had gone on vacation with her family a couple of weeks ago, right after prom.I remembered she had mentioned the family trip and that they would be returning in August.We hadn’t seen each other since she stood up and walked away from me and my messed-up anger.We hadn’t exchanged a single phone call.We hadn’t crossed paths at prom.I didn’t go to that.
I imagined Ella and Nathan at prom, having a great time dancing together.He would make her laugh, I would listen from afar.They would pause romantically for a quiet break from the dance floor, he would kiss her and twirl her in his arms.Like a princess.And she would deserve it all.She deserved as many nights like that as she could get, the perfect nights.But that would have been all far too painful to watch.
And there hadn’t been much else that made me want to go anywhere or be part of anything during that week.
“Miles, honey!”Miss Amara opened her front door with a big smile on her face.“I was wondering when you were gonna show up.Come in, I have tea!”
We sat in her garden chairs, holding our flower-painted ceramic tea cups and watching her growing vegetables.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me,” I told her slowly and quietly.
Miss Amara had been more than the grandmother I never had.And I had walked to her house thinking that I wanted her to know I was thankful for that.
“Oh, honey,” she offered me her tender smile, “it was a pleasure to have your company this past year.”She set down her mug on the small outdoor wooden table between us.“And I expect a letter from you sometime, letting me know how amazingly you’ve succeeded in college, and where you’re off to next!”
I let out a small laugh.
The sun was shining on the garden.Miss Amara’s lettuce was growing vibrantly.
Some thoughts popped back into my mind.They werewhat-ifthoughts.Miss Amara noticed my reflective silence and gave me one of her “What’s going on?”caring looks.
“I’m still not sure I want to go,” I confessed to her.“What if it’s a complete fiasco and I shouldn’t have gone at all?”
Miss Amara waited a few seconds before speaking, then said, “It’s completely valid to feel afraid.Change is never easy.It’s easier for some, and more difficult for others, but never easy.”A small smile tugged at my lips as I remembered the analogy Ella once made: comparing my habit of always ordering the same meal to my resistance to change.“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” she continued gently, “you’re stepping into a new chapter, all on your own.There is nothing wrong in being afraid.But, honey, life is a book filled with beginnings and endings of chapters, and if we were meant to stay put in one place, we would have roots instead of feet.”
I looked at Miss Amara, assimilating her words.I was glad I’d come to her house one day before the date on my train ticket.
“What else is upsetting you?”she asked, keeping her eyes on me, sure that there was something else.I guessed she knew the answer to her own question but wanted me to feel the relief of sharing it.
“I’m leaving Evermere with Ella upset with me,” I told her.
