Being with him yesterday felt like being seventeen all over again.I longed to feel nostalgic and laugh about it all.I had missed him so much more than once my mind allowed my heart to.
“No time to spin in thoughts and, literally, spin around the hotel room!”I call myself to attention and go back to the bathroom.I put on a little more blush and fix my dress, a simple white one that falls just below my knees.I cinch a brown and gold belt around my waist.Digging through my messy accessory bag, I choose four more rings to add to my hands and brush my hair for the thousandth time.
I’ve been part of the audience of the Neuroscience Annual Conference, which takes place in a different city every year, for the past three years.But this is the first year that I’ll actually be part of it, the first year that my name is written on the program under “Feature Speakers”.My family was so proud when I told one of my aunts — who told another aunt, who told a cousin, who told my grandmother… and that’s how news travel in families.They all wanted to catch trains, planes, and cars to come see me.But I’m sure they’re tuning in to the Neuroscience Annual Conference’s website, where they can watch it online and take a thousand pictures of the screen whenever I, my name, or my study show up.
And… Bill.I have barely spoken to him since I landed.But he was also so proud of me, he took me out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate on the weekend after my boss told me about this.Good wine and great desserts later, he told me he couldn’t come with me this time either.He said he would love to, but work was tight and he had important projects to finish, and I totally understood that.
There was no resentment as Bill explained himself.He has his things and I have mine, and we function around our relationship as a couple and our individual lives.
I look at my phone to check if he has sent me any “good luck” text.There’s my dad, my mom, all my siblings and cousins and also my friends… but no Bill.
I scan all the messages but don’t reply to any of them.I’ll talk to everyone after and let them know how it went.I open Bill’s contact and write:Heading to the Conference Hall!!!Overwhelming!I’ll call you after.Have a good day!
And I hit send.
I look at the screen for a few more seconds and wonder if Miles is about to text me.But the truth is, we were together just a few hours ago, and he already wished me good luck in person.
I smile, remembering our goodbyes last night, my mind replaying the image of him walking away through the dark of the night in the city of lights.
Funny how we’re not in the countryside this time.
And we’re grown up this time.
And it still feels the same to be around him.
And nine years have gone by.
And…I’m engagedthis time.
I grab my brown boots, my favorite blue fluffy gloves, and my winter coat.
I don’t really have time to let my heart stir up feelings that trigger questions in my busy mind.I open the door to the hallway of the hotel.A shiver of nervousness runs through my entire body.
Today is happening.I’m about to start walking toward the Neuroscience Annual Conference Hall in New York, where — around 11:00 in the morning — I’ll go up on stage and speak.
My hands are shaking, and I inhale deeply, then exhale before taking a step out of the room.
And right now, I wish someone were here to walk with me.
I’m getting up on stage after the first “coffees and free cake miniatures break” ends.
As I take my seat for the round-table discussion and wait for the other colleagues to do the same, my eyes fall on the crowd of spectators returning from the coffee break to their seats.
Suddenly, there’s a very familiar figure on the left side of the audience, my left side, which actually means on the right side of the audience.Yes, on the right side.What am I doing?I’m wandering through my thoughts.I need to focus.
I look at the moderator sitting in the armchair next to me and smile at her as she begins: “Welcome back, everyone.Let’s continue with the first part of the program, a round-table discussion where these experts gather to present and discuss...”
But I’m not really listening to her words for a few seconds.
My eyes go back to the audience.
I can’t believe Miles ishere.
The words mix in the air, outside the conference room, at the lounge area.After the end of these big events it always takes some time for the hotel to be free of people.Too many brains wanting to debate too many fresh questions.
Some are already recognizable faces, colleagues from other occasions.But I look around trying to find the familiar face I’ve known the longest.
I walk through the aisle of people, but he’s nowhere to be found.And even though a small part of me is calling for my hand to open my purse and dial Miles’s number, the bigger part of me reasons with myself to postpone it.
