It is my burden to bear which is why she can never know what she means to me. She already carries the weight of the realms on her shoulders, she doesn’t need to carry this, too.
Her heart is too pure to know that every second I’m around her is a perfect mixture of paradise and torture. That truth would only kill her. So instead, I’ll suffer in silence, cherishing every moment of my slow death, knowing that I am nothing more than a moth to her flame, begging to be burned.
Chapter 34
Reign
There’s something different about the way he’s looking at me tonight. It’s almost as if he’s haunted by my presence. Like he’s fighting an internal battle somewhere deep within.
After our walk, I expected him to rejoin the others and leave me to play in the icy water by myself. But instead, he stayed. Keeping far enough away from the water while still remaining close enough to carry on a conversation. Not that it even matters. There’s been nothing but silence from the both of us for the past several minutes as his piercing eyes track my every move. Even with my back turned, I can feel them on me as he stands there with his hands clasped tightly behind him.
I should feel annoyed by his incessant staring, but for some reason it feels comforting. Like how the moon watches overthe night sky. A quiet guardian, simply there to remind the sky that it hasn’t been forgotten in the darkness.
As I continue to watch the crashing waves in the distance, I finally allow myself to admit that something has changed between the two of us. I think it’s been happening for a while now and I’ve just been too stubborn to acknowledge it.
It’s almost like there’s a gravitational pull between us. It’s intense and demanding and yet somehow completely natural.
Damien was like a storm that blew into my life. His love was passionate and woke parts of me I didn’t know existed. But Ryder… he’s crept up on me like his shadows in the night. Quiet and hidden within the blackness.
He challenges me in ways that make me better. Forces me to face things when all I want to do is run away. He’s been a friend, an ally, a mentor. Playing whatever role I needed at the time. Always knowing just what to say and what I need. Sometimes it’s space. Sometimes it’s a distraction. Sometimes it’s a pep talk. And each time he’s been there for me. Even when I didn’t know it, he was watching over me. Protecting me.
Over these past months, I’ve seen the kind of ruler he is. The way he cares for his people. The way he cares for me. There’s so much good in him, but it’s drowned out by the wounds that have never properly healed. Even looking at him now, he’s the perfect picture of light and dark. A tortured soul protected only by the shadows that conceal him from the rest of the world.
Both of us are damaged from the lives we have lived. Maybe that’s why he understands me in a way others don’t. Two sides of the same coin. Different yet somehow the same.
But that’s not why I feel the way I do right now. Our shared scars aren’t the reason I want to bury myself into his arms or why my pulse races when our eyes catch. What was oncea foundation built on mutual understanding has grown into something more.
For so long, I’ve tried to convince myself that my attraction to him is just physical. That it’s just an involuntary response to being around someone who looks likehim.
But it’s more than that, and I think I’ve been afraid to admit these truths to myself, knowing that if I do, I won’t have a good reason to keep him at arm’s length. Him being the prince, being King Cimmerian’s son, keeping my father’s death and his promise a secret. Those were all just excuses. Reasons for me to push him away time and time again.
Even now, the only reason I’m allowing myself to acknowledge all of this is because of the curse. It’s my fail safe. The ultimate reason to lock away my growing feelings for him.
To love a man, you could never be with would be a slow death for anyone. But for an immortal it would be an eternity of torture. After everything I have been through, I deserve better than that. I deserve to love and be loved.
But does that mean Damien is the right choice or just the easiest? He felt like the right one at one point in time. Could it feel like that again?
I exhale a deep breath and close my eyes, letting the sound of the waves soothe the chaos running through my mind.
Maybe the best thing I can do now is to let them both go. Say goodbye to what was with Damien and what could’ve been with Ryder, accepting that I was reborn for a greater purpose. Not to have a second chance at life or love, but for a reason bigger than myself. Maybe that’s the path The Mother has set for me.
Standing here, underneath the stars, is a perfect reminder that my life is no longer my own. Now, I’m on borrowed time.Sent back here to serve The Mother and in doing so, serve the Great Six Realms.
It is my responsibility—my duty to use my gifts for good. That means helping save the realms from King Cimmerian’s savage ways. That’s what matters. Not my feelings. Not my desires. Just the realms.
Each day feels like the day King Cimmerian is going to make his next move and each day it doesn’t happen. The anticipation has everyone on edge. It’s been over two months since we returned to the Shadow Lands from the Infinite Sea Territories, and we’ve wasted no time getting to work.
Training here is so different than it was at the Sector. The regimen is similar, but the goals are different. Learning the military tactics and how to move as one has been an adjustment for me. We never trained like that back at the Sector. It was all individual. We only had to worry about ourselves, but that won’t suffice in battle, so I’ve made it a priority to train with the military units a few times a week to learn their ways.
Sometimes when it gets to be too much, I switch off and join the civilians who are looking a lot more promising ever since Elias took over. They may not be as polished as the military units or those who were banished here, but most can at least hold their own now and that’s all thanks to Elias. He’s a natural born leader and even from his wheelchair, he has a way of commanding others. He’s like Ryder and Damien in that way and it’s exactly what the civilians needed.
About a month ago, those who couldn’t pick up the training were reassigned to make better use of their skills. EachEntity has now been divided up into three tiers to better identify everyone’s capabilities.
Being that I’m the only phoenix, it’s hard to gauge where I’m at. Although I can levitate now, flying has proven to be more difficult. Usually, Ryder would be the one to help me, but I insisted on hiring Emeric for that position in order to keep my distance from Ryder. As it turns out though, dragon wings and phoenix wings have very little in common when it comes to their mechanics. It’s a miracle if I can last longer than ten seconds without crashing into the ground.
Amaya, on the other hand, has been quickly mastering basic spells and I can’t help but be envious of her. I wasn’t expecting to have to mourn the loss of identifying as a witch. Though every cell in my body feels like it was destined to be this fiery creature I’ve become, it’s still hard to accept that the life I thought I was meant for was nothing more than an illusion. Being able to perform magic like the fire witches only makes it that much harder to separate myself from the version of me I thought once existed. Sometimes I still conjure my Elemental Sphere as a reminder that part of my life was real and still exists somewhere within me. Almost as if it is tattooed on my soul.
Nonetheless, each day new questions arise about what I am and what I’m capable of. Unfortunately, despite Ryder having a multitude of people assigned to hunting down information, there’s been nothing. No passages in old scrolls. No faded images drawn on parchment. No pages in books. It’s like everyone has heard of the rising bird made of flames, but the story ends there. Almost as if all knowledge has been wiped from history, leaving only a faint memory of it behind.
