I take a step back from him, finally peering into his midnight eyes and bite my bottom lip. “I spent more time than I’d like to admit getting ready today,” I confess, feeling my cheeks start to heat up. I don’t know why I tell him—but his admission that he was blatantly checking me out makes me feel like I can be honest and vulnerable with him.
“You look amazing. Are those the earrings I gave you for Christmas a while back?” he wonders, lightly caressing my ear. A rush travels through my body as the feeling of his fingers on my skin threatens to destabilize me. I’m not prepared for this. Him being in my world, in our space. Like it isn’t both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not sure anything would have prepared me for him. His overwhelming presence, the comfort and familiarity of his touch, and these small, intimate moments that feel like they’re happening in slow motion.
“Yes,” I respond, beaming at him. He pulls his hand away, and I miss it immediately.
Nostalgia for what we used to be mixed with grief for what might have been start to pull on the strings of my heart. Something harder and unnamed, rough and raw reaches up to grip me by the throat and choke me up a bit. I can’t be the only one feeling this way.
“Weird, this is weird, right?” I blurt out. His handsome smile starts to falter a bit.
“I’m going to need you to be more specific, Ken.”
“This. Us. Being in the same room again, sharing a child, all of it. It’s weird and hard…right?”
He rubs his palm over his mouth while he formulates an answer. “Yes, but I would take weird and hard any day, every day, if it means I get to see you again,” he comments. The corners of his mouth turn up. “You don’t have to be nervous with me, you know. It’s still me. Still us. We’ve known each other since we were five.”
At least we both agree this is uncomfortable. I rock on my feet, unsure what to do with my hands, my anxious energy and all my competing feelings. “But I have been nervous…all day. All week, if I’m being honest.”
“Me too,” he chuckles. “Just be your perfect, natural, gorgeous self. You do it so effortlessly, Ken.”Jesus Christ. This man. He seems determined to make me fall in love with him all over again.
“Thanks, Kai.”
Chapter 15
Kai
She’ssoachinglybeautifulit feels like a fist squeezing my heart, an elastic band pulled tight around my chest. She begins shifting on her feet when I realize I’ve been staring at her wordlessly for far too long. But I can’t help it. It’s impossible to be in her presence and not admire her.
Looking to the table, I grab the arrangement and offer it to her. “These are for you.”
“These are gorgeous. You didn’t have to do that though.”
“It’s fine. I wanted to,” I shrug.
Then, out of nowhere, a small human in Spider-Man pajamas appears at her side. It's like the whole world tilts on its axis; everything about this experience feels surreal. I know even while I’m inside of this moment that I will remember it with perfect clarity forever. The way he instinctively waddles over to Kendall, his tentativeness, his small hands, the sleep in his eyes. All of it is a core memory for me. The first time I met myson. I feel my heart expand the size of the universe to hold all the love I have for this boy I barely know but whom I instantly need the same way I need oxygen.
Is this what being a parent feels like? A love so full you feel like you can’t breathe? Watching your heart walk around outside your body in the form of a miniature version of yourself?
It’s striking how much Akio looks like both of us. His piercing green eyes and bright smile are without a doubt Kendall’s, but so many things about him are undeniably me. His shaggy black hair, his reserved nature. He hides behind her leg and tugs at her jeans.
“Mama, come play,” he pleads.
Kendall kneels down so she is at eye level with him and pulls him close to her chest. “Baby, remember I said we were having company? This is my friend, Kai. He’s really excited to meet you. Can you say hi?” she says gently to him. Akio doesn’t budge or make a peep, which is fine. To him, I’m a complete stranger.
She glances from him to me warily and cautions, “Sometimes he’s a little slow to warm up.”
“That’s okay. So am I,” I reply. And I like that he takes after me in that way.
He leans into Kendall, pushing his head against the side of her face, his little hands grasping her chin. It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. The whole time he’s sizing me up, trying to determine whether I’m someone he can trust. She whispers in his ear loud enough for me to hear.
“I think Kai might have some gifts for you. Maybe we should go check them out, yeah?” He cracks a small smile and nods his head the slightest bit. They walk over to the table hand in hand, Akio pushing up on his tiptoes to try and see what’s in the bags. “How about we bring them into the living room so we have more room, okay?” she suggests. Another subtle nod from him. I follow them into the tiny, cozy living room that has an old denim couch sprinkled with mismatched pillows and a windowsill overgrown with different types of plants. The roomis so unapologetically Kendall with loud, bright colors and boho decor. Kendall sits on the couch with Akio snuggled at her side and reaches into the first bag.
“I didn’t really have time to wrap anything—sorry. I wasn’t sure what he liked so I got a little of everything.” I explain, sitting on the arm of the couch with hesitation. He reaches excitedly for the massive electronic T-Rex toy before she can get it out of the bag. He wastes no time rushing to the floor with it and trying out every feature.
We spend the next two hours playing with his dinosaur toys, coloring, making slime, and pretending to be bad guys while Akio chases us around the apartment as Spider-Man. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time and it’s the happiest I’ve felt in years.
When we finally settle down, Paw Patrol is Kendall’s first choice when she reaches for the remote, and I immediately know why. Akio is snoring in her arms in minutes. I stare at them in disbelief. I thought I knew all the sides of Kendall, every version of her. But this version of her, as a mom, is quickly becoming my favorite. I’m in awe of her beauty, her heart, her love for him, and the way she makes being his parent look so easy. Like she was handpicked specifically for him. I hope I am too, that I could be the dad he needs me to be.
She stares back at me, a knowing look on her face. “You didn’t have to get all those things, you know. He would have loved you even if you came empty handed—just because you’re you.”
