“We—but mostly you two—have been through a stressful experience and spent most of the night in the hospital. I think what we all need is to call in sick tomorrow and spend some time together. Get back to baseline.”
“While that sounds great, not all of us have the flexibility or means to do that, Kai,” I scoff, a little irritated that he suggested it so casually.
“Look, I wanted to wait to talk to you about this, but I might as well just tell you now. I want to set up a savings account and trust for Akio. I want to support him and you however I can. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can afford a sick day, if you want.”
“That’s very kind and generous, but I can’t accept your money, Kai. It’s too much,” I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, willing myself not to cry. I have kept it together somehow all goddamn day and I am not going to fall apart now.
“I’m not taking no for an answer, Kendall. Isn’t it exhausting being the sole provider for both of you? Don’t you want things to be a little easier? I never want you guys to feel like you are struggling. Not when I can help.”
“Of course it’s exhausting. It’s so much pressure trying to be everything for him by myself. Of course I want softness and ease and to be taken care of for once.”
“Then let me take care of you, both of you. Please,” he begs. His voice is a little softer but I know he’s not going to give up on this.
“Fine. I’m only agreeing to this because I’m so tired and I physically and emotionally cannot have this argument right now. But I resent the fact that you think I can’t take care of him. I’m doing the best I can with what I have.” If he meant to bruise my ego or damage my pride, he certainly hit the mark. Somehow, I know he had nothing but the purest intentions but still, I’m frustrated. With my head back against the seat and my eyes growing heavy, I resign myself to this new reality. Where Akio has two loving and supportive parents in his corner. And I don’t have to do everything alone.
“Kendall, come on, you know that’s not it. I think you are doing an amazing job with him. I just want to help, okay?” he pleads, weaving his hand in mine. It’s warm and comforting and somehow, the contrast of his rough palms rubbing circles against my soft skin soothes me to sleep.
***
Iwakeupgroggyandconfused as to why I’m in Akio’s bed with him and about fifteen stuffed animals. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I realize it’s 3:00 and that Kai must have carried us both in the house. Trying not to wake Akio, I slip my arm out from under him and tip toe out to the living room. Kai is sleeping open mouthed and snoring on the couch, with nothing more than one of Akio’s tiny blankets. He must be freezing. It barely covers one of his arms. I kneel next to the couch and take his hand in mine, stroking it gently.
“Come on, you can’t sleep on this couch. It's terribly uncomfortable,” I say, urging him to get up. “Come to bed.”
“Mm, are you sure, Ken?” he mumbles sleepily. “I’m fine here.”
“Kai, you don’t even have a blanket big enough to cover half your body and your back will be killing you tomorrow. I can’t in good conscience let you sleep on this couch.”
“Okay,” he replies. I pull him by his hand leading him to my room and he follows me with both eyes still closed. We crawl into my bed and slip under the covers, him on the left, me on the right, and it feels so familiar, so us. But we aren’t an us anymore—I’m not sure what we are to each other.
“Hey, Ken?” he whispers.
“Yes, Kai?”
“Do you sleep on the right side of the bed because…”Because those are the spots we claimed when we first started sleeping together. Because that is where I fall asleep no matter what bed I’m in. Because the left has always been reserved for you.But he doesn’t finish his sentence and neither do I.
Instead, I say “Goodnight, Kai. Sweet dreams.”
“Sweet dreams, Ken,” he whispers against my hair before pulling my body in closer to him, his chest molded to my back.
“Is this okay?” he murmurs.
“Yes, now go to sleep.”
It’s a few hours later when I wake up startled and relieved to find Kai next to me. He had come when I called. Some part of me knew he always would. He drove us home, he carried us inside. He stayed. He wasn’t going anywhere even though I had deserted him all those years ago.
Wait, drove us home, in his car?
My brain and my heart scramble to come to terms with the fact that Kai, in all his goodness, must have installed a car seat unbeknownst to me, at some point between our reunion a few weeks ago and now. The realization grips my chest and tears sting the corners of my eyes.
I know I’m not worthy of his patience, his kindness, his devotion. But I love him for it anyways.
***
Thesunlightpeekingthroughmy bedroom window wakes me up earlier than I would have liked. I feel something warm and hard behind me. No, someone, not something. Kai’s rock solid body is spooning mine, his hand curled around my waist and his fingers just barely grazing my boob. He must feel me stirring, because he starts drawing lazy circles on my stomach sending delicious shivers down my spine. I forgot how good it feels to wake up next to him, share a bed with him, and live my life with him by my side.
“Careful, Kai, or it will be very difficult to take it slow,” I warn.
His teeth graze my ear, and he kisses my neck tenderly. “So, do you want me to stop?” The only thing I offer is a shake of my head.
