‘Ohhhhhh THAT! Yeah, I was getting to it! I just needed to lubricate my throat … with your food and drink first, though.’ She winked. I gagged.
‘I want to hear every sordid detail,’ I continued, making myself comfortable in my armchair, ‘but I don’t wanna hear anything that may make me look at him in a negative light moving forward, so before you start – was he a gentleman and did you have a good time?’
Sade got comfortable, as she settled into the sofa opposite me – with a sly grin that could only imply that she had been dicked down thoroughly within the last twenty-four hours.
‘He was an absolute gentleman, to be fair. We had such a great time – he’s so easy to talk to! And he’s such a big nerd too, I fucking loved it, man.’
I smiled as I knocked back more of my drink – that was what I’d wanted to hear. So far so good.
‘OK, I love this! Also, Kofi kinda covered what you guys got up to on your date so you don’t need to run through that with me – I want you to elaborate on – wait – let me check my notes—’ At that point, I made the grand gesture of pulling out my phone to locate the text she’d sent earlier. ‘Being put“THROUGH THE MATTRESS” it says here. I want to know what that was all about, please!’
At this, Sade shifted in her seat uncomfortably, her glasses perched on the edge of her wrinkled nose as she smirked wickedly.
‘Girl. Sis. Babes,’ she started, eyes already animated as she leaned forward, ready to tell all. ‘OK so, first of all, his flat is SUPER cute. Like, you could tell that he’s into his plants and interiors and stuff. We did a mini-tour of the place and then had a couple more drinks and stuff.’
My phone suddenly vibrated with a notification, but I was too locked in to Sade’s story to notice. I leaned in closer as she continued.
‘So yeah! We vibed for a while, he was telling me about his fam—’ I had to stop her there.
‘My friend. I didn’t ask you over here to “David Attenborough” his life story. Tell me about the SHAGGING.’
We then both erupted into cackles of laughter, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my phone going off again. I quickly turned it over to notice that it was coming from theOuiMeetapp. My heart fluttered almost instantly. I wondered what Jericho – or should I say Theo now – wanted? Still, I pushed my phone to the side, keen for Sade to continue, but she immediately clocked my grin.
‘Wait. Is that your fancy man? You know you’re gonna need to let me know how your date went after I tell you about mine, right? Because this whole thing is low-key givingPretty Womanbut in reverse. I’m fully invested!’
‘Yeah, yeah, I will, but at the moment I’m waiting with bated breath, so …’
‘OK! So we’re on his sofa and at first we’re just making out and stuff, and then he pulls me in closer. At this point, I can’t lie, man … I was READY to go. So I lean in and startstroking my hands on his chest and he seems to be liking it. And as we’re kissing, he basicallypullsme on top of him. So now I’m straddling him on his sofa and erm … yeah, man.’
I was fully locked in at this point, even though imagining Kofi doing the nasty with my best friend was something I really didn’t want to picture all that much, I knew I simply had to adhere to the Girl Code, which dictated full sexual exploit rundowns with your best friend after the deed had been done.
‘So—’ Sade continued, fully getting into the storytelling aspect now; she’d even put her snacks down and everything ‘—we just start dry humping on the sofa at first, you know, nothing too deep. And then! He picks me up and takes me to his bedroom. Fam, I felt like I was in a romcom or something, it was so sexy. So then yeah … we start undressing each other and, Cassie, babe, when I tell you that this man was PACKING? I was shocked.’
The last thing I wanted was to imagine Kofi naked; that man was like another brother to me and the very thought of it made me wince, but I had to persevere for Sade’s sake, at least (and for my own nosy self).
‘Cassie. Sis. He had Trojan condoms. The XL kind too. He said they were the only ones that would fit him and I believed it. His dick was at least nine inches.’
NINE!I knew I would never look at Kofi the same way again. I leaned back into the sofa, eyes wide open in shock.
‘So then, he pushes me back onto the bed and then he just goes to town, just absolutely nailing me through the mattress. Honestly, Cassie, I’ve never felt anything like it. The thrusting? Militant! Precise! Deep! I could fucking feel it in my lungs, I tell ya. And he kept going for at least twenty minutes, which was a record for me anyway. And erm, yeah. Let’s just say we received an angry knock on his wall from his neighbours. I couldn’t contain it, man. That man unleashed something in melast night that I hadn’t felt in such a long time. That dick is a menace to society. Anyway, I say all this to say, I’ll be seeing him again, don’t you worry about that.’
I sat back into the armrest and stared at Sade silently for a few moments while she continued to dip into the snacks nonchalantly. It was my fault; I was the one that pressed for more information, but fucking hell. I didn’t know Kofi had it like that. I feared that I would never be able to look at him the same way again. Equally, however, I was also happy for both of them; my work, as far as they were concerned, was done.
‘Bloody hell, man. All this time I’ve been working next to a man who’s a fucking stallion. I know that’s right, sis! Don’t worry, though, I won’t let him know that you told me all that extra info – the last thing I need is for things to be awkward at work, you get me?’
We chatted over the next twenty minutes whilst gouging serious kilograms of chocolate. I updated her about my mum’s upcoming nuptials and Dad crashing out, and she told me about her recent work dramas and updated me on her family gossip. Now that Sade had rented a new flat way closer to me, we had vowed to do in-person home calls at least once every couple of weeks or so in a bid to kinda rebuild that sense of friendship community that our mum’s generation used to have, where they would randomly go to each other’s houses and stay there all day just because, and our friendship has grown so much stronger because of it. None of this ‘having to book to hang out three months in advance’ nonsense that a lot of our generation have unfortunately become used to; we try and make it work when we can.
‘OK, enough about me ’cos I’ve gotta go soon. Fill me in on this Jericho guy then. How did your second date go?’ Sade asked as she finished off her drink. I filled her in on the details of our date – really going to town when I brought up the carsituation – and spoke of my plans to see him again. She looked at me, beaming.
‘And here was me thinking this was just going to be a one-time thing! It sounds like you’re low-key catching feelings for him a little bit, don’t you think?’
I pondered on this. I didn’t think it was ‘catching feelings’ per se. For me, I was just having fun with someone I was incredibly sexually attracted to. At least, that’s what I’d been trying to tell myself. Did I want to be paying so damn much for it? Not necessarily, no.
‘I enjoy him,’ I said coolly. ‘I think so far, we’ve had a great time together and he’s been the perfect gentleman every time. I do want to see him again, and as much as I’m enjoying the whole control element of me paying for it, my bank account isn’t. I’m tearing into my savings and the thought of having to keep this up does make me feel a little anxious, I can’t lie.’
Sade and I sat in silence as we both pondered the tricky situation. I wanted to keep seeing Theo casually, but I didn’t want to fall for him – that in and of itself would create a whole stack of problems that I wouldn’t be able to face – such as trying to explain to my family and other friends how me and Theo met. That’s if we were to ever get together in the first place.
Luckily though, I didn’t think it would ever come down to that so I wasn’t necessarily worried about that part. I mean, in another reality, it would be nice …
