“Is there anything else you want to add?” Rona looked incredulous.
“Yes, actually. There is. There’s something that needs to be said.”
“What’s that?”
I took a deep breath. “You aren’t growing anymore in your work and that’s why you’re not enjoying it. You’re kidding yourself that it’s enough just to produce other people. The music that you make which is yours is fucking incredible, yet you refuse to put it out there and to put your name on it. You could be so amazing if you just let go of this fear of being seen and this fear of rejection. You say you don’t like the attention and the celebrity status, but I think it is something you want, deep down, because you have a talent that is unique and special. That’s why you keep working with all these top artists. You want recognition for your work. You want to be significant in the world, but you won’t fully let yourself. I wonder when you learned to be invisible. It might have kept you safe before but it’s holding you back now.”
Rona stepped back from me. A coldness came into her eyes. Her face hardened. “What?”
“Fear of being seen shouldn’t be the reason you don’t strive to become the best version of yourself.”
“Who says I’m not becoming the best version of myself?”
I tilted my head. “Rona, come on. You never leave the sofa. You said yourself things aren’t going great at work.”
“There’s more to life than work. Relationships. Family and friends. Hobbies.”
“You’ve hardly been seeing anyone except me.”
Rona recoiled even further. “Why are you attacking my insecurities? Why are you pushing me away?”
“I’m not meaning to. You said we needed to talk. I’m just letting you know that I feel like you might be focusing on me a bit too much, and I wonder if you should redirect some of that energy back into yourself. I want you to become the artist, no, the person, you’re meant to be. But there’s moreto it. I don’t think it’s just because we’re in a new relationship and you want to spend all of your time with me. It feels like you’re using me to avoid the discomfort of not moving forward in your own career. It’s putting too much pressure on me, and I feel it.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? I feel like such a fool running after you while all the time you’ve been feeling like this.”
“You’re not a fool. It’s more a recent thing. Kind of. I’ve always thought you should release your own music.”
“I feel humiliated.”
“And I feel stressed.”
“You see me as an add-on to your life, don’t you? Why did we even get together if you’re not ready or able to have a real relationship? Thing is, you said you were.”
“That’s unfair.”
“Is it?”
“Rona, you know I love you.”
Another long silence took over.
Rona swallowed, hard.
My breathing was still shallow. My heart was racing.
“I had no idea how hurtful you could be,” Rona said, quietly.
Her words hit me like fire. I was trying to help her and be more honest, but that I’d hurt her cut me very deep. Hurting the person you love was the absolute worst feeling. “I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to help you. I believe in you. But you’re too afraid of putting yourself out there and this inactivity is eating you up. I think you’re not moving forward because you aren’t facing up to your talent. If that makes me a bad partner, then I don’t know what anything is anymore.”
“This is you trying to be kind to me?”
“Rona, take a moment and see it from my point of view.”
“I can see it from your point of view. I don’t agree with it.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “Don’t listen to me then.”
“I do listen to you. I spend ages talking to you about your ideas for the podcast. I know how passionate you are about it. I listen to all of it.”
