“Quiet, careful?”
“Yes.”
“Punctual?”
“Extremely.”
“I’ll bet she was a straight A student, never acted out, always did what she was told. Maybe she never had trouble with her parents or other authority figures, or even criticized them.”
“Sure, she never criticized anyone. She’s the nicest person I know. Knew.”
Anna nods. “Sometimes, someone really is that nice. Sometimes that could be reluctance, and it signifies someone who is vitally afraid of doing something wrong. I’m not saying this to diagnose your friend, only to give you an understanding of what might have happened. What is important to understandhere is thatit is not your faultthat you didn’t know. It’s not your friend’s fault, either. The feelings that lead a person toward suicide also make it incredibly difficult for them to reach out for help. Sometimes they don’t know they need help until it’s too late.”
That sounds like bullshit, I think, but I catch myself before I say it. I’m sure she reads it on my face, but whatever, I don’t care. How does someone not know they want to kill themselves? How do they not have that thought and immediately go, “Holy shit, I should find someone to stop me”? How do you not notice that your best friend is so scared that they want to die?
“Can we talk about something else?” I ask. My nail is digging into my thigh again.
Anna nods, unfazed. “Of course. What would you like to discuss?”
Nothing,I’d like to leave.
“I don’t really know.”
“Would you feel comfortable talking about your mom?”
My stomach sinks. I shrug.
“Usually that kind of reaction is a no,” says Anna. “Why don’t you tell me about school? Just a normal day there. What classes you have, what you eat for lunch, that kind of thing.”
That’s easy, at least, so I humor her and start talking. But I’m already retreating from this conversation, out of the room, out of the building.
Thursday, March 13
4:45 p.m.
Hi
Saturday, March 15
7:26 p.m.
Hey, Ash, you said you played CoH?
7:54 p.m.
Yeah, playing now
Are you in a clan
YeahIkelos LairWhy?
They’re a top clan
8:01 p.m.
Yes we areWhy again?
I want to join
