Page 100 of Before I Lost You

Kenneth makes eye contact with me, blue eyes overflowing with the biggest tears I’ve ever seen. Is this what I looked like when my dad died? Fuck, it hurts to see his heartbreak. It feels like someone’s stabbing me in the chest.

“I love you,” I tell him. “I love you so much, okay?”

His bottom lip wobbles, his chin trembles. “I l-love you too.”

“Let’s go.” I grab his hand and drag him out of the elevator. It doesn’t seem like his legs have the strength to carry him to his mom’s door. Or maybe that’s his mind that won’t let him.

Ken knocks on the door, and a second later, as if she’s been waiting next to it the entire time, the nurse opens up. Rachel looks at us with wide eyes, stepping aside to let us in.

“What you’re going to see—” she starts, but Kenneth interrupts her.

“I get it, Rachel.” He breathes in deeply. “I know it’s going to be hard. I’m going to calm down now, and then I need a minute alone with her.”

She nods, and I look at him with wide eyes. When he starts to walk down the hallway without me, I make myself comfortable against the wall, but he stops in his tracks, clearly searching for me.

“Conrad?” he whispers. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Giving you time,” I reply softly.

“Get your ass over here,” he snaps, and I stand up quickly, getting to his side at record speed.

We walk into the room, thebeep-beep-beepof the machines a comforting sound for once. Alicia lies eerily still in her hospital bed, and Kenneth looks like he’s about to crumble into a million pieces. I grab his hand and squeeze once, letting him know I’m here, then let go. When he makes it to her bedside, his entire body is trembling, and he presses his head against the mattressnext to her hip. I know he’s trying to keep his sobs in, but it doesn’t work for long, and that seems to wake her up.

Alicia opens her eyes slowly, as if it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done, and frowns. When her hand searches the bed, her fingers touch his head, and she strokes his hair for a few moments before he lifts his head and looks at her. It’s the most heartbreaking sight I’ve ever seen in my life.

“M-mom,” he sobs, and she smiles gently. “P-please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.”

Her eyes well up with tears. “Yes, you can, sweetheart. You’re so strong. You can do anything you set your mind to.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit right now, mom,” Ken cries. “I’m going to be all alone in the world now—for real this time. I’ll have no one.”

“You know that’s not true, Ken,” she breathes, clearly lacking the strength to carry on a full conversation, but pushing through anyway. These are her last moments. Her last words. And they’re to comfort him. “You have Conrad now. He’ll always take care of you—he promised me. And I know he won’t break that promise.”

“Oh, god,” Kenneth sobs again. “H-how—” he hiccups. “How do I get through this?”

“You let him love you.” She smiles shakily. “I love you, Ken.”

“I love you so much, M-mom,” he stammers, then shakes his head. “M-mom. Please don’t.Please.”

“I don’t think I have a choice anymore, sweetheart,” Alicia whispers, tears now streaming down her face. “But I promise you, no matter where I am, I’ll always love you. I’ll always watch over you. Look for me in the sunsets, the ocean, and the butterflies. I’ll be right there. Everywhere you turn, you’ll feel me right by your side.”

Ken nods quickly, as if those words bring him comfort. Those words bring me heartache instead. He leans in and kisses herforehead, and the monitor starts slowing down slightly, but it’s noticeable enough that Kenneth sobs again.

“It’s almost time,” she whispers, her voice getting weaker. “I can feel it.”

“N-no.” He shakes his head, grabbing her hand. She squeezes gently.

“Conrad,” Alicia calls out to me, and I come to her side. “Please keep your promise.” I nod, a knot in my throat I can’t seem to speak past. “And you have my blessing.” I frown, and she smiles weakly. “When the time comes that you want to marry my son, you have my blessing.”

I never thought I’d need those words until now, but it’s comforting to know she would want me to be with him forever. “I’ll take care of him now, Alicia. You don’t have to worry about anything anymore,” I whisper, tears streaming down my cheeks now. “I promise.”

With a last nod, she turns her face towards her son again, her eyes fluttering closed. It takes visible effort for her to open them again and look at him, and I hear Ken’s teeth start to rattle with the force of his shaking. I squeeze his shoulder gently, and he presses a kiss to his mom’s cheek. She smiles at him softly.

“I love you, Kenny,” Alicia whispers. “You’re my everything.”

Ken sobs. “I l-love you, mom. I’ll love you forever.”

She smiles again, and this time, when she closes her eyes, they don’t open again. The monitor slows down until I’m holding my breath, afraid of what happens next. When it eventually stops, Kenneth falls back on his ass, burying his hands in his hair and wailing. I drop to my knees and hold him tightly, kissing his hair over and over again, trying to comfort him. But he’s inconsolable.