Page 99 of Before I Lost You

Kenneth has kept his promise so far, though, not letting me drive for any reason. We have been taking Ubers to visit his mom, and it kills me to know it’s almost her time. The nurse told Ken, too, but he’s in denial, saying it can’t be time yet. Itbreaks my fucking heart, especially knowing this is it, and I can’t fucking tell him. All I can do is comfort him when we inevitably get that call today. Which is why I’ve been urging him to hurry up and get ready. I need him to say his goodbyes to his mom. He can’t have regrets about their final moments together. He needs to say everything he feels, hold her hand, kiss her one last time before she’s gone for good. He needs to hear how much she loves him and know that even though he’ll be an orphan now, he will never be alone in the world. He’ll always have me. Only his mom will be able to make him understand that.

Now all I need to do is stay with Kenneth, no matter what. I can’t get in a fucking car tonight, or I know I will die. Today is my day, and I feel fucking nauseous over it. I didn’t want to tell Ken, but he pried it out of me—the exact date of when the car wreck happened. Now he won’t let me out of his sight, which is comforting and everything I need right now. I feel safe with him. As long as I’m by his side, everything will be okay. At least that’s what I keep repeating to myself every five fucking minutes.Everything will be okay.There’s only one thing I haven’t told Ken—

“I need to know, Conrad,” Kenneth says, clearly exasperated. “How did you die?”

I sigh. “I already told you—in a car wreck.”

“Yeah, but you never said exactly what happened,” he huffs. “I need you to fucking tell me.”

“You don’t need to know the details, Ken,” I reply, but he’s pacing—back and forth. Back and forth. He’s losing his mind. “It’s hard enough to know I did die.”

“Which is why I need to fucking know!” He hasn’t lost his temper like this—well, ever, really. Which is why it’s such a shock to my system when he yells. I flinch, and his features soften immediately. “I’m sorry, baby,” Ken whispers. “I didn’t mean to yell.”

“It’s—”

“—notokay,” he finishes.

I nod, knowing I’m about to give in. “I was on my way out of town. It was raining—no, it was worse than that. It was a thunderstorm. The rain was coming down so hard that I couldn’t even see the taillights in front of me. I was going to pull over to the side of the road. At least I think I was. But you sent me a message, and I guess I got distracted replying and didn’t see the truck about to crash into me. I think they were changing lanes.”

“So it’s my fault,” Ken sobs. “I-I—”

“No, baby.” I close the distance between us, grabbing him by the back of the head and hauling him into me. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and sobs. “I shouldn’t have opened the message—that’s on me. But I’m glad I did. It was important. I needed to come home.”

“What if we run?” Ken whispers, pulling away.

I frown. “We can’t outrun this, Ken. It’s going to happen if it’s meant to happen.”

He shakes his head. “No. I won’t let it happen. I can’t fucking lose you, baby.”

I open my mouth to reply, though I’m not sure exactly what to say. But then his phone rings, and he pulls it out of his back pocket with a frown. When his hands start to shake, and he turns pale, I know exactly who it is.

“Answer it,” I whisper, but Ken just shakes his head. “You have to.”

Reluctantly, Kenneth accepts the call and brings his cell phone to his ear. “Hello?” Someone talks to him, and though I can’t hear what they’re saying, I know exactly what they’re saying. “No. It’s too soon,” he whispers. “Tell her I’m coming.” And then the call is done, and he falls to his knees and sobs uncontrollably.

I drop to my knees beside him and hug him tightly against my body as he cries and cries, but I don’t ask him about his call. Afew minutes later, he wipes his face and pushes away from me softly, clearly not wanting me to feel rejected. Then he turns to me and says the two words I’ve been afraid of hearing.

“It’s time.” His voice cracks. “I have to get to her.”

I nod. “I’ll order the Uber—”

Kenneth shakes his head. “No. I’ll drive. I can’t wait around for a car.”

I nod slowly. “O-okay.”

“I won’t let you drive,” he tells me, trying to reassure me in a time when I should be reassuring him. It makes me feel like scum.

“It’s okay, baby.” I shake my head. “Let’s go.”

He nods, and we grab our jackets and shoes and don’t even bother changing out of our pajamas. Kenneth grabs my hand as we run to the parking garage, and then he grabs it again when we get in the car, holding on tightly. It feels like my bones are about to break, but I don’t dare say a word about it.

The streets are surprisingly empty, probably because of the wind advisory. Thirty miles per hour winds will keep people home, I guess. The dark sky looks silver from the rain clouds that are clearly about to fucking explode, but I try to ignore everything. Try to shut out the bad thoughts. It works for a while. Until we pull up to his mom’s apartment building and park in the empty parking spot next to her vehicle. That’s when all my worries rush back into my brain, screaming at me, begging me not to leave.

“It’s going to be okay, Ken,” I soothe him as we get into the elevator and he stifles a sob. I pull him into my arms and hug him tightly as we climb up. I watch the way the floors change as we ascend, the numbers mocking me. “You’re going to tell her you love her. You’re going to say goodbye. And then I’m going to take care of you forever, okay? You’ll never be alone ever again.”

“Swear it,” he sobs. “Say you swear.”

“I swear, baby,” I whisper just as the doors open. “Hey, look at me.”