Page 101 of Before I Lost You

Kenneth sniffles after a while, and I cling to him tightly. This is breaking my heart, seeing him this way. It fucking hurts.

He sniffles again and pulls away, looking up at me. “I n-need—”

“Anything, baby,” I tell him, meaning it. “I’ll give you anything you need.”

“I have to be with her a little while longer,” he says, and I nod. “I need to be alone with her until the funeral home gets here.”

I frown. “Do you want me to leave?”

He nods. “P-please.”

“O-okay,” I whisper, scared now. But I promised him I’d do anything he needed right now, and if he needs me to leave, that’s what I’m going to do. “Do you want me to go home?”

“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “Here are my keys. I’ll drive my mom’s car when I’m done.”

I nod too now, grabbing the keys from his shaking fingers and getting up. He gets up too, giving me a tight hug and a gentle kiss. I take a step back. “I’ll be here when you need me, Ken.”

“I know,” he replies, smiling, but the wobble of his lips betrays him. “I’ll be quick.”

“Take your time.” I shake my head. “I’ll be okay.” I smile now, even though I don’t know if that’s true.

With a last squeeze of his hand and a trembling smile, I turn around and walk out as fast as I can. It takes me no time at all to get back down to the parking garage, and by the time I’m in the car, I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Maybe I should just call an Uber, but I need to get past this fear. I can’tnotdrive ever again.

Right?

Ihaveto get over this fear.

For him.

I take a deep breath and start the car, deciding to take an alternate route back home. I pull out of the parking spot and make my way out of the garage, light rain hitting the windshield. Thank fuck it’s not storming yet. It’ll give me plenty of timeto get home. Instead of getting on the highway, I take the city streets as far as I can. Until I hit one that has a construction barrier. So I turn right and then turn right again. Only to come up to another one of the same barriers. It’s blocking my path, and I have no choice but to turn around and head left. Before I know it, I’m spit out right onto the highway, and I start to hyperventilate.

No.

Not again.

I can’t fucking do this again.

My hands shake on the steering wheel as the rain gets as heavy as the last time I was on this same road, and I see the taillights in front of me disappear into what I’m sure is an exit. There’s no message from Kenneth this time around, but it’s my turn to let him know that I think this is it. So I pick up the phone and start recording a voice message.

“Hey, baby. I just wanted to let you know I had to get on the highway. I’m so—”

My stomach does that familiar flip as I get hit from my side again, my chest going hollow as the car flips and flips and flips. I hear more than feel it spin with my eyes squeezed tightly shut, but I know I’m upside down now by the way the seatbelt cuts into my bladder. My head crashes against the window again, making my ears ring, before the vehicle finally settles. This time, I don’t scream. I should’ve known I couldn’t outrun this no matter what. This is my fate. Maybe it’s time I accepted that. It doesn’t stop the broken sobs tearing out of my throat, though.

I watch in horror for the second time as my voice note sends, my phone on the roof a couple of feet away from me, and I squeeze my eyes shut again. I’m not even going to try to reach for it this time around. I know it’s futile, and I have no energy left to fight this. I’m going to fucking die here again, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My body is limp with defeat andacceptance, and all I can do is try not to focus on the way the airbag is crushing me. All I can do is wait for that lightning strike to kill me again.

My phone vibrates on the roof of the car and lights up with Kenneth’s name, and I watch with tear-filled eyes as his messages come through. The same messages as last time. If only he knew how heartbreaking this is for me.

Kenny: Baby? What the hell happened?

Kenny: Are you okay?

Kenny: Answer me right fucking now, Conrad.

There’s an incoming call from him, and it’s as if my body jolts awake, and I desperately try to reach for the phone. I can’t, though, no matter how far I stretch. I can taste blood in my mouth, and then I’m coughing, the metallic taste filling my throat. Turning my head to the side, I throw it up, eyes wide and body shaking. I remember exactly what comes after this.

Death.

Of course, my Bluetooth is still playing music, the same song as last time. I shake my head again, my eyes stinging, and tears finally trail down my cheeks. I lift my hand to my face and look at my bare finger, thankful he didn’t ask me to marry him. It would’ve been even more painful as his fiancé. My head starts pounding, and when I touch my forehead, I feel a deep gash. My fingers are sticky with dark blood when I look at them, and I whimper.