Page 102 of Before I Lost You

“No,” I whisper. “Fuck this—no!”

I hear thunder in the background, loud and booming and sounding really close. A car honks its horn, and I lose my fight to stay calm. I hear tires screech, realizing that’s new. That didn’t happen last time. I yank on my seatbelt, wiggling, trying to get free. Nothing is budging.

“Help!” My throat feels raw from how loudly I scream, but I’m desperate now. Nothing matters except getting the fuck out of this car right now. “Someone help me, please!”

My door is yanked open, and I whimper, afraid the lightning is going to kill us both when I hear thunder again. I need to get out. Get out.Get the fuck out!

“Stay still, baby,” Kenneth’s voice says loudly. Kenny. It’s Kenny. Oh my god, how did he get here? When did he—“I’m getting you out.”

“I’m s-stuck, Ken!” I yell, getting desperate. “My seatbelt is stuck. Get back! Get the fuck back, Ken! The lightning—”

But Ken does something, and suddenly I’m free, and he’s hauling me out of the car. My hands get cut on the glass littering the gravel, but still, I crawl out quickly and don’t stop until we’re several feet away from the crash. I hear sirens, and I realize Kenneth must have called 911. I sob loudly, and Ken hangs onto me tightly. Before I can blink again, lightning strikes the car, setting fire to it. I scream right along with Kenny, and we push back even more.

“That could’ve been me,” I whimper. Ken holds onto me tighter. “You saved me—”

“I got you, Connie,” Ken replies, but my vision is swimming. I shake my head to try to clear it, but it hurts badly. I remember I have a huge cut on it, and try to lift my hand to touch it again. But I can’t.

“Ken—” I slur, and the next thing I know, there are black dots clouding my vision. “I don’t think—I don’t feel so g-good—”

“Conrad?” Kenneth’s voice is full of panic now. “No, don’t close your eyes, baby. You have to stay awake. Help!” he screams, and my body goes cold. I start shivering, and before I know it—

Everything goes black.

Chapter 39

IN EVERY LIFETIME

Ihaven’t even had a chance to open my eyes yet, but somehow, I’m still hit with an intense sense of déjà vu as the pounding in my head brings me back to consciousness. I can hear the beeping of the pumps, and I’m immediately transported back to seven months ago when I woke up in this hospital room, scared and confused. Somehow, I know I’m in the same room. Fate is a little bitch playing mind games with me, so when I finally crack an eye open, I’m not surprised when I look at the whiteboard across from my bed to find the same room number on it. I look at the date now, too—December fifth, and my body sags with relief.

My head pounds to the beat of my heart as I squeeze my eyes shut once more, then take a deep breath and open them both this time. The effort it takes to keep my eyes open is monumental, but I push through with all the strength I have left. I’m not sure there’s much of it left, but I have to try. For my sake, I have to know if any of this is real, or if I’m dead and this is purgatory. What if the universe is pissed off and forcing me to live in an alternate reality that never happened? What if I actually closed my eyes and never made it out of the car crash?

It’s dark and quiet, except for the annoying sound of my heartbeat speeding up on the machine. I can’t make myself hate it, though, because I’m alive. And though I haven’t looked at Kenneth yet, I can feel his presence next to me. It’s its own entity in the room, something I can sense no matter where I am. No matter the circumstances. It brings me comfort, knowing that no matter if I’m alive or dead, he’s by my side. Even if he’s a figment of my imagination. I move my hand, sucking in a sharp breath at the pain, and realize maybe I really am alive. I feel the stitches pulling before I lift my hand to look, and sure enough, the cuts from the glass on the gravel look gnarly in the semi-darkness of the room. It makes me smile. I wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for Ken saving me.

I try turning my head slightly, but my neck twinges with pain, so I can only go so far. My left hand moves, though, connecting with soft strands of what I know is golden hair. The feeling of him, any part of him, on my fingertips makes tears gather in my eyes. It’s a relief that he’s here by my side, and though I don’t want to cut this moment of wonder short, I need to know he’s real even more than I want to bask in the fact that I haven’t lost him. I need him to look at me with love in his eyes and tell me he’s real. That he’s here. And that everything is going to be just fine. It will be as long as he’s by my side.

I search for Kenneth’s hand in the blankets, finding it against my hip, and squeezing it lightly. It’s enough to make him stir, though, and when I squeeze again, he startles awake and sits up abruptly. It takes effort to turn my body towards him since I can’t turn my head much, and my body protests, pain shooting to places I didn’t even know got hurt in the crash.

“You’re awake,” Kenneth breathes, getting up so he’s in my line of sight. I’ve never been happier to see him, and tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. “You’re alive. Oh my god. Baby, I was so scared.”

This time, I can’t hold the tears back. “I thought I died,” I croak out, my voice hoarse from not speaking for who knows how long. “Are you real?”

He smiles shakily, then brushes his knuckles across my cheekbone so lightly that I barely feel the whisper of his skin against mine. “I’m real, Conrad. I’m sorry I made you drive. I’msosorry.”

Kenneth’s bottom lip quivers with his apology, and I realize he feels guilty for the accident. I shake my head almost imperceptibly, my neck refusing to cooperate no matter how hard I try.

“It’s not your fault,” I say, and when he tries to protest, I squeeze his hand extra hard until he presses his lips together. “Hear me out, okay? If this was our fate, it was going to happen anyway. There’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it, and the important detail is that you saved me, Ken.You. And now I’m here,notdead.”

He nods, “I can’t even explain what I felt when you sent m-me that voice message, Conrad. I-I freaked the fuck out. I was already pulling out of the parking garage before you sent it, ready to go home. But I knew, somehow, that the message you sent me was important. I’m so glad I listened to it. I still have to apologize, Connie.” When I open my mouth to argue, he holds up a hand to silence me. “I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t get this off my chest.”

I nod slowly, then grimace.

“I should never have asked you to leave. I was feeling really vulnerable, and I messed up. There’s no excuse, and I’m ashamed of myself for even making you get in that car after you’ve asked me repeatedly not to let you drive. There’s no excuse, and I fucked up.”

“Are you done?” I ask softly, and he makes a pained sound at the back of his throat. “I don’t blame you for your state of mind.Your mom just died, Ken.” He brings his knuckles to his mouth and bites them hard, clearly trying to snap out of the emotional pain he’s carrying. But the load is too heavy. “I will never blame you for that. I will always give you what you need.”

“I needyou,” he sobs, and I open my arms for him. He settles next to me on the bed, fitting into my side perfectly. He makes sure not to disturb any of my lines and watches my face for all traces of pain. But I hold back as best I can, not wanting him to move. “M-my mom is dead. And I almost lost you.”

“I know, baby,” I murmur, kissing the hair at the top of his head, the only place I can reach without straining. “I’m so sorry.”