Page 18 of Before I Lost You

I want to tell him I don’t want it to end at all. Not now. Not ever.

The overwhelming feeling that I know him, that I’ve known him my whole life, is stronger than ever. It makes my hands shake, and my body feel like it’s about to burst from all the emotions I’m trying to contain.

I nod slowly and brush my nose against his, then kiss the corner of his mouth, right over his dimple. “Only for a little bit.”

Kenneth’s grin is blinding as I pull back, and he nods. “Do you like hot chocolate?”

I frown. “It’s summertime, Ken.”

“So?” He raises an eyebrow. “I’m not very traditional, if you haven’t noticed yet.”

“I do like hot chocolate,” I say with amusement, shaking my head.

“Great,” he says, turning around and unlocking the door. “I think I likeyou.”

God, I hope so.

I really,reallydo.

Chapter 7

STAY A LITTLE LONGER

Turns outa little bitturned into hours. Two hours now, to be exact. We’re also on our third mug of hot chocolate, the warmth of it making me more relaxed than I’ve ever been. It’s probably the reason I haven’t been able to shut up, and it doesn’t help that he’s giving me his undivided attention. As if what I’m saying is actually interesting to him. As if he actually gives a shit about all of it. I wonder if he does, or if he’s just being polite, but then decide he must care since the conversation isn’t one-sided.

Kenneth raises his mug to his lips, sipping, making a slurping sound that has his cheeks turning red and my head falling back as I let out a loud laugh. He rolls his eyes playfully and lowers the mug, then proceeds to lick away his chocolate mustache, missing some of it. I trace my thumb over the corner of his mouth, wiping it, and then bring it to my lips, sucking it. His breathing quickens a bit, and his lips part in a way that has me wanting to push him back onto the couch to devour him. Sink into him. Fucking ruin him. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, if the way his lips tilt into a smirk is any indication.

We’re sitting on his couch facing each other, legs tangled in a way that feels new and familiar at the same time. He seems comfortable, and I, well, I feel at peace. Like I’m finally exactly where I need to be. It feels like I’m right where I belong. If home were a person and not a place, I’m sure he’d be it. I’ve never experienced this before. This sense of déjà vu, as if I’ve lived it once or a hundred times before. There’s a thoughtful expression on his face as the conversation dies down and we stare at each other, and he shifts slightly, untangling his legs from mine and then placing them on my lap. I look down at where he’s now on me, then lower my hand to his strong calf and squeeze lightly, watching his face. His nostrils flare, eyes dilating, black swallowing that very bright blue gaze of his. I smile and tilt my head, ready to get back to talking, if only so I don’t do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. Fuck him to within an inch of his life. Make him forget anyone who came before me. Show him there will be no one after me.

Kenneth grabs my mug from my hand and sets mine and his on the floor next to the couch. “You know…” he starts, and I look at him intently. “I told you about my mom earlier, and I figured… tit for tat.”

“You want to know about my dad?” I frown, and he nods.

“Won’t it ruin the mood?” I ask him seriously. What we have going here is peaceful and easy, and I’m not sure if bringing something heavy into it is the right move. But he narrows his eyes at me.

“Are you saying I’m the only one who’ll be opening up tonight?”

“No.” I shake my head vehemently. “I can… I can tell you.”

A blinding smile lights up his face, and he gestures with his hand for me to proceed. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, remembering the way my dad taught me to skate. Then play hockey. The way he was there for every occasion—games,school plays, birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and graduations. There was not one damn thing he missed in my life, even though his job should’ve prevented him from being there. It makes the hole he carved out of my chest feel deeper, and the chasm takes my breath away. My eyes sting now, and I open them, blinking back tears. Kenneth’s concerned expression turns blurry, and I look away.

“I’m sorry.” Kenneth actually sounds regretful, and the weight of his legs disappears from my lap. I miss him immediately, a sharp pain that takes my breath away, but before I can process what’s happening, he climbs onto my lap and pushes my head against the back of the couch. “I wasn’t thinking. I—”

“It’s alright,” I croak, then clear my throat. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” he whispers, pressing his forehead to mine. A tear trails down my cheek, and he looks as if I’ve wounded him. Then he does something completely unexpected and brushes that tear away with his thumb.

“I want to,” I whisper back, my hands coming to rest on his hips. He pulls back to look at me, a frown etched into his beautiful features. I reach up and smooth out the crease between his blond eyebrows, pushing back his curly hair from his face so I can see him better. His eyes widen slightly at my touch, but when I cup his face, he leans into it. It makes my stomach flip, making me feel like I’m experiencing the dip of a very tall rollercoaster. “He was everything to me; the best person I’ve ever known. My dad was kind, caring, and the epitome of everything I want to become. All I’ve ever wanted is to make him proud, and I’m not sure if I’m there yet.”

“Conrad, I’m sure you’ve made him proud,” Kenneth says fiercely, gripping my face with one hand. “You’ve probably exceeded all his expectations. Look at you—you’re driven, successful, dedicated.”

“That’s not what I want to be known for,” I tell him, realizing it’s the absolute truth. “I want to be more like him.”

“What do you want to be known for?” he asks softly, and he’s looking at me like he’s hanging on to every word, then storing it to play back in his head again later.

“For loving hard.” I look away from him, then close my eyes. I can’t bear to look at him when I say this. I’m exposing every raw part of me, every bleeding and gaping wound. “Fully. Absolutely. In a way that leaves no doubts. I want to show someone that I’ll be there through thick and thin, no matter what happens. I want tocare.”

It’s surprising that just a few weeks ago, I was the king of casual, but ever since I decided that I want commitment, it feels natural to feel this way. I’m not even weirded out about wanting these things. I really do crave to give someone all my love. To show someone they’re the most precious gift I’ve ever received. I hope it’s Kenneth. I want it to be him.