Page 46 of Before I Lost You

Sleep never comes for me.

Chapter 17

AN ORDINARY KIND OF HEARTBREAK

It’s been ten days since I told Kenneth I’m in love with him, and we’ve come to some sort of unspoken agreement to never bring it back up. It’s all so very confusing, because he still wants to spend all his time with me, and I don’t know how it makes me feel anymore or what it all means. All I do know is that I can’t seem to move on from him not saying it back. His explanation should’ve been enough to calm me down, but all it’s brought me instead is more pain. More stress. More worries. Because what if he never loves me? I know I’m being crazy. Unreasonable. Insane.

I can’t seem to stop.

Why can’t I stop?

I’ve been sitting in the living room staring at nothing for hours now. Since three in the morning. I love watching the sunrise from my floor-to-ceiling windows, but even that didn’t happen today. I’ve been too busy wallowing in fucking self-pity. I think I have to break things off with Kenneth. I’m not strong enough to keep doing this. Knowing he doesn’t love me is too much for me to handle, especially because it’s all I’ve wanted fromthe beginning. All I’ve ever wanted is to love him and be loved by him. One of those things is true now, and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t—

“Conrad?” Kenneth questions softly. “Are you okay?”

I snap out of my trance, lifting my eyes to his and nodding slowly. I don’t trust my voice not to betray me, so I don’t speak. But still, even though I haven’t said the words, it’s probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told, and I know he can tell.

“What are you doing out here?” He’s frowning now, and I look away.

I clear my throat. “Watching the sunrise.”

“That was three hours ago.”

“Didn’t feel like going back to bed,” I reply, refusing to make eye contact so I don’t do something pathetic like burst into tears. I clear my throat again. “I have to get dressed. I need to go to the office today.”

“On a Sunday?” he asks, sounding perplexed.

“Yep.” I sigh, getting up from the couch. He blocks me. “I do that sometimes.”

“You can’t just go tomorrow?” His frown is so deep there’s a crease between his eyebrows. “I kind of had a surprise for you today.”

Say no.

Fuck.

Sayno.

“Sorry.” I shake my head, looking away again. “I have things to do.”

“Conrad—” Kenneth calls after me as I walk away, headed toward my bedroom. I open the closet door and disappear into it, looking for a suit. “Please, I—”

“Sorry, Ken,” I mutter.

“Wait!” He hurries after me as I make my way to the bathroom. “We can talk about this. What can I do to fix it?”

“Nothing.” I sigh. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“There has to be something,” he whispers. “I can’t lose you. I—” He shakes his head, tears in his eyes, and for a moment I’m hopeful that he’ll finally say the words I’ve been wanting to hear. “I don’t want to lose you.”

My hopes are crushed again, and I chuckle humorlessly.

“You haven’t been the same since…” Kenneth takes a deep breath. “Since that night at the beach, and I—”

“No shit, Kenneth,” I snap, and he flinches. I know he hates it when I call him that, but it’s hard to have sympathy when I’m hurting this badly. “I don’t want any more of your apologies. I think I just need some space.”

Ken shakes his head. “No,” he says through gritted teeth. “I’m not giving you space. I won’t let you break up with me!”

I shake my head now, too, then enter the bathroom and shut the door in his face. I know how ridiculous and unfair I’m being. But even though I know it, I can’t help how I feel. And I can’t seem to stop acting this way, no matter how much I tell myself to give him time to say it back. Maybe that’s all he needs.Time.