Page 49 of Before I Lost You

CHOOSING YOU AGAIN

Kenneth and I enter my penthouse in silence, the same silence that’s been eating at us since this morning. It’s barely early afternoon, but I’m exhausted. I could use a nap, and if I’m being honest, a few hours alone. I need to reset my brain, and I can feel the emotional exhaustion weighing me down. At the same time, I don’t want to ask him to leave. Because what if he doesn’t come back? Is that actually what I want?

I exhale a shaky breath as I stop in the living room, back facing Kenneth, and try to muster up some courage to either ask him to leave or beg him to stay. My brain is at war with my heart, because of course, my heart wants him. But my brain is telling me to protect myself, sensing that he’s the danger. Before I can say anything, there’s heat at my back and an arm wrapping around my waist. His chest presses against me, and I close my eyes and tell myself that it’s okay to let him hold me.

“Don’t leave me,” Kenneth whispers. “Please.”

“That’s not fair,” I breathe.

“I know.” He presses a kiss to the back of my neck, and I shiver. “But I’m begging anyway, Connie. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t break me.”

“You don’t care about me.”

“Is that really what you think?” he scoffs, arm tightening around my waist.

“Yes,” I answer truthfully.

“You’re so fucking blind, Conrad,” Kenneth says against my neck, then moves his lips to my jaw. “You can’t see what’s right in front of you.”

“What’s in front of me then?” I snap.

“Me.” He grabs my shirt and yanks hard, spinning me around. “Fuckingme. I didn’t go anywhere, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

I frown. “No.”

Kenneth lets out a frustrated breath, walking into me until I’m backing up. He continues until my back is against the wall in the hallway, then crowds me. His breath is warm against my lips, and I squeeze my eyes shut.Please don’t kiss me. It’ll be over if you do.

“You mean everything to me, Conrad.” His lips brush against mine. “I don’t understand how you can’t see it.”

“Because when it was time to tell me, you fucking didn’t,” I snap, pushing him away, then walking toward the bedroom. “Lock the door on your way out, Kenneth. I need sleep.” I know I’m overreacting. I fuckingknowthat. I just can’t seem to stop. Why can’t I stop?

“Fuck that.” I hear him hot on my heels, and right before I close the door, he pushes against it and crowds me again. His hand grabs my shirt and pulls me into him, and I gasp. “You’re mine, Conrad Moore. You’ll always be mine. And if you think I’m going to let you walk away from me, then you’re crazier than I thought.”

“Why does it matter?” I ask through gritted teeth. “You—”

“Because I love you, okay?!” Ken yells, chest heaving, hand tightening on the front of the shirt he won’t let go of. “I love you, and it scares me shitless! I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I’m terrified!”

“You don’t have to lie to me,” I say softly, and Kenneth lifts his head and looks at me with clear confusion.

“I pour out my heart, and you don’t believe me?” he asks, bottom lip wobbling.

My voice cracks. “You just don’t want me to break up with you. You don’t have to lie.”

“You think I’d fucking lie about that?” Kenneth growls, wrapping a hand around my throat and pressing his forehead against mine. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

“Let me make myself clear, Conrad,” he says against my lips. “I didn’t tell you before because I was fucking scared. I still am—terrified, if I’m being honest—but you deserve to know. I had to tell you. I can’t shut you out. I refuse to lose you over being scared.”

There’s a knot in my throat I can’t swallow past, then I whisper, “You make me want to believe in always.” I don’t sound like myself, not really. My voice is choked and tight, as if I’m on the verge of crying, and maybe I am. “Please don’t fucking break me.”

“Never,” Kenneth whispers. “I’d rather die.”

Ken presses his lips to mine again, and with this kiss, I feel myself relax against him. I can feel the emotion he’s pouring into it, as if screaming at me that he loves me. That he can’t live without me. I hope it’s not all in my head.

Please let this be real.

“Say it again,” I whisper.