Page 59 of Before I Lost You

“No.” I shake my head, raising my chin.

“So, what? You’re just going to leave me?” His voice cracks, and the emotion threatens to unravel me. But then anger rises within me again, making my chest tight.

“Isn’t that what you wanted, Kenneth?” I ask through gritted teeth. “You wanted to ruin everything, right? You wanted me gone? For me to know I’m not forever? Don’t worry, I’m done being delusional.” I walk past him quickly, reaching the door, when he lets out a loud sob.

“S-stop,” Ken whispers. “D-don’t leave m-me.”

I turn around abruptly, spinning on my heel and dropping the backpack to the ground. Kenneth stands with wide, hopeful eyes, staring right at me. His arms hang limply at his sides, and his shoulders are sagging forward. He’s making himself look so damn small. So damn defeated.

My eyes sting as I stare at him, but I don’t make a move. “Give me one good reason to stay.”

“I didn’t mean it!” he sobs again, his voice cracking. “I’m just scared to fuck everything up. I’m scared and hurting, and I didn’t mean any of it.Pleasedon’t go. P-please!”

My stomach drops, but I force myself to nod. “Tell me more.”

“I’m sorry that I was an asshole. You don’t deserve it, and I won’t make excuses for myself. I won’t do it again.” Kenneth shakes his head. “I don’t deserve you, Conrad, but I want you anyway. Please don’t go. I’ll beg. I’ll—”

“I don’t want you to fucking beg,” I growl. “I want you to give me a fucking reason!” I scream, and he flinches. His lips press together, and my breathing intensifies. “I would do anything for you, Kenneth! But you’re too fucking blind to see it, aren’t you? You’re too stubborn to let me show you that we fucking belong together! And I’m done trying. So give me one fucking reason, or so help me god, I’m walking out that fucking door, Kenneth.”

Ken’s nostrils flare, but then his face crumples and he throws his hands up in the air. “Because I love you!” Kenny yells. “You’ve flipped my world upside down, upended my entire life, and changed everything. Can’t you see that? From the moment you sat across from me in that stupid restaurant and told meyou wanted something real, I’ve loved you desperately! My heart calls out for you—every single beat is for you. I love you, Conrad. It’s you and me.” His voice cracks. “It’s supposed to be you and me.”

It feels like there’s an elephant sitting on my chest as I stare at him with wide eyes. My hands tremble at his confession, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I’d get anything remotely close to what he just said. I was expecting something else entirely. Maybe a rejection. Possibly him telling me to go fuck myself and that he doesn’t care. Not this. Not. This.

“So that’s it?” Kenneth growls, taking a step closer. I don’t move. “I pour my heart out, and you say nothing?”

“What am I supposed to say, Kenneth?” I whisper, and his eyes narrow.

“You’re supposed to say you love me too!” Ken says with clear exasperation. “You’re supposed to show me you feel the same. And when I ask you to marry me, you’re supposed to say yes!”

“Is this y-you asking?” My voice is so low I can barely hear it myself, but he just nods once and reaches into his pocket, holding a dark gray band in the space between us. “W-wait—”

“I’m done waiting, Conrad,” Kenneth says, shaking his head. “I’vebeenwaiting. For the right time. The right place. The right words.” My breath catches in my throat when his eyes blaze with an emotion I can’t pinpoint. Desperation, maybe? I’ve never seen it before. “I’m—”

I shake my head quickly, so fast it’s hurting my neck. “S-stop. It’s not supposed to—”

Not like this.

It’s not supposed to be like this.

“Oh, you don’t want me to say it? Don’t want me to ask you?” Kenneth growls, taking another step closer. “That’s too damn bad—”

“Kenneth—”

“Marry me!” Ken yells. “Be mine! Prove me fucking wrong and give me forever!”

My eyes widen so much they sting, and his chin trembles just like the rest of his body does as he stares at me silently. I bite my bottom lip hard to keep myself from breaking down, but the sob that’s crawling up my throat wants to be let out badly. We stare at each other for a long moment, letting the words hang between us until we can’t take it anymore. Without warning or preamble, we move in unison. I don’t know who makes the first move, but suddenly we’ve collided like binary stars, and the explosion inside of my chest feels like we’ve merged into a damn supernova.

Our lips crash with so much force my entire body rocks from the impact, and I cup his face and crowd him until I’m pressing him against the wall. Kenneth reaches for my left hand and brings it between us, and when I pull away from him, he looks into my eyes. Without taking his gaze off my face, he slides the engagement ring onto my finger, and I finally look down to see it sparkling in the low lighting.

I know I should say no.

I know that.

But Ican’t.

“Mine,” Kenneth breathes. “You’re mine, Conrad. And I won’t let anyone take you away from me—not even me. I’m sorry. I’msosorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean it.”

I nod quickly. “Yes, I forgive you. I’m yours,” I whisper, leaning into him again and kissing him harshly. “It’s you, Kenny,” I tell him as I turn him around and push him backward until the backs of his knees meet the mattress. “It’s only ever been you, and it will only ever be you.”