Page 85 of Before I Lost You

Kenneth’s cell phone rings, and he looks down at the screen with a frown. He mutters that he has to take the call because it’s work-related, and he leaves the living room. For a split second, I feel guilty. Everything about this encounter is different now, and it feels like I’m manipulating fate. But what if I am? What if I fucking change it all? I’m already in love with him.I can’t fucking lose him.

We stare at each other for what feels like forever, and I can tell she’s taking in every single detail about me. It should make me nervous, but now that I have her this close, all I feel is a sense of calm. I want her to trust me. To like me.

“My dad died a few months ago,” I tell her softly, and her eyes widen in surprise, clearly not expecting me to tell her about this. “Cancer.”

She nods. “I’m very sorry to hear that, honey.”

“I’m sorry about you, too,” I reply gently, because it’s a delicate topic, and I realize I’m implying she’s also going to die. But she knows that. I know she does. “I’m really, truly sorry.”

“He’s going to be devastated,” she whispers. “My poor Ken will not know how to move on.”

“I’m going to take care of him,” I tell her with as much conviction as I can manage. “I swear it. He will never be alone again.” I almost flinch at my promise, and I hope to all that is holy I can keep it this time.

A tear spills down her cheek. “I can’t even tell you how grateful I am. He needs you. I’m sorry to put that on you. I am. But I need you to be there for him.”

“I want to be here,” I reply. “I want to marry him.”

Alicia’s smile is a slow thing. Like a flower blooming in spring after an arduous winter. It’s almost as beautiful to witness as it is when he smiles at me. “Are you asking for my blessing, Conrad?”

“Yes.” I nod. “I am.”

“You have it.” Her chin quivers. “Kenneth is so lucky; you’re perfect for him.”

“I’m the lucky one,” I whisper, hearing Kenneth walk into the room again, clearly done with his call. “Loving him is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“He loves you too,” she whispers back, looking behind me as his footsteps get closer. “And I love you for him.”

I smile now, too, then squeeze her hand gently. “I’m so happy to be here.”

She looks at me with recognition in her blue eyes, but surely I’m imagining that. “I am so happy you’re here too, dear boy.”

Kenneth stands next to me now, squeezing my shoulder as if he knows exactly what we were talking about. It’s possible he has an idea, that’s for sure. “What did I miss?”

Alicia and I look at each other, that same glint in her eyes, and I grin. “Oh, I was just about to tell him about that one time you tried to play soccer and sucked at it,” she says, to which Kenneth gasps.

“I’ve never sucked at anything in my life!” Kenneth replies, outraged. But I can tell he’s happy.

Alicia laughs loudly at this. “I only told you that because I’m your mom.”

“So you’re saying you lied?” Kenneth asks playfully.

“Absolutely.” She grins.

They spend the rest of the afternoon talking, and I sit back and listen. They include me, but I’m happy to watch them, so I mostly do that. It’s nice, seeing them love each other. I want this for him. I want him to cherish the time he has left with his mom. The way I wish I had been able to with my dad. His illness caught us all by surprise, and he died shortly after. I didn’t have months—only weeks—and he was so sick he spent the entire time in the hospital. I was able to get there in time to say a very hard goodbye. Possibly the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever done. I want Kenneth to have that this time around—a proper goodbye—and I will make it happen.

Whatever it takes.

That’s my promise to him.

Chapter 33

SOMEWHERE WE STILL EXIST

We’ve been dating for months now, and I’ve been committed to taking things slow. But my control is slipping, and I think tonight isthenight. Ken has been dropping hints since we sat down to eat dinner at the fanciest restaurant in the city, my treat. I’ve been wooing him, I would say. I’ve wanted him to fall in love with me forme, not because of sex. I’m not sure if he feels that way yet, but I think I can relax a little bit. He’s not just using me, and I know that. I guess I’ve just been scared he’ll get bored after fucking and never talk to me again. It’s what he would’ve done way back when. I know he’s given me no indication that those are his intentions, but I can’t help the paranoia that’s gripping me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, though. I think the only way to replace this thought process is to finally go through with it. Let him prove me wrong.

He’s tried making the first move many times now, but I’ve redirected us back to blowjobs and frotting, too fucking scared to go through with it. Now, I’m ready, but I’m not going to assume I’m getting lucky tonight. I’m going to be a gentleman, and if he doesn’t invite me in, that’s okay too. I’ll get my kiss and go home,even though what I really want is for him to sleep in my arms. And I do get that sometimes, just not nearly as much as I actually want. If it were me, I’d be moved in already. He seems to be ready for it, but I want it to be his idea. I’m not going to influence his decision in any way.

I pay for the check and add a generous tip for the server, then close the fancy leather folder and get up. Kenneth gets up too, and I offer him my hand when he comes to my side. The way he smiles at me, so softly and surely, makes my heart speed up in my chest. Moments like these make me believe he loves me, and I don’t want to tell myself he does yet, because what if he doesn’t? But I also want to be delusional a little longer and believe in my fairy tale. That he thinks we’re soulmates. That he believes we belong together. That he can’t live without me anymore. Fuck, I know I’m crazy. It’s only been three months. But three more months of loving him have been a gift, one I was sure I wasn’t going to get. The universe seems to be in my favor—though clearly for a limited amount of time—and I’m not going to question it.