Page 84 of Before I Lost You

The walk to the lobby is short, and I look around at the very fancy space as we make our way to the elevator. Kenneth grabs my hand tightly as we wait for it, and then we step on and pressthe button for the eleventh floor. It’s so quiet that I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. The blood rushing is making a loud whooshing sound, and I know if I focus too much on it, I’m bound to get dizzy. I might just pass the fuck out. What if she doesn’t like me? What if she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her son? I want her to like me. I want her to know I’m going to take care of him when she’s gone. But what if I can’t? What if it’s all a lie? What if there’s no other fate for me but to die on the exact same night as she does? What if Kenneth is left all alone in the world all over again?

Fuck.

My hands begin to sweat, and I wipe my free one on my leg. The one Kenneth is holding becomes shaky, and he looks at me with an unreadable expression. I smile reassuringly, but I’m not sure if it works, or if I just look constipated. The look on his face tells me it’s the latter. I’m fucking this up already—

“Breathe, baby,” he whispers, and I do, taking a deep breath. “I know she’s going to love you. You have nothing to worry about.”

I nod, but before I can reply, the elevator door opens, and Kenneth is pulling me forward down a hallway. Halfway through, we stop in front of a white door, and he unlocks it and opens it gently. Once we’re both inside, he closes it and locks it once more. Rachel is peeking into the hallway, the same way she did last time, and I get hit with déjà vu so hard it almost knocks me on my ass.

“I didn’t know you were coming, or I would’ve made lunch for you!” she says, walking toward us until she’s standing a few feet away.

No, God.

Pleaseno.

“It’s okay, Rachel,” Kenneth says with a smile—the same smile from the same day at the same time as he brought me here last time. Fuck. “This is Conrad. My, um… my boyfriend.”

I take a deep breath and smile. How can I change this conversation? How can I change the course of today? I don’t want to relive everything again. I don’t want anything to be the same, for fuck’s sake. I want to change it all. I can’t let this ruin it for me, though. I have to do something.

“Hi, Rachel.” I offer my hand, and she closes the distance between us to take it. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.” She grins. “Alicia is ready for you, Kenneth.”

“Aw, damn it,” he complains half-heartedly. But he smiles. “I wanted to surprise her.”

“That woman knows everything you’re doing at all times,” Rachel whispers conspiratorially. “I don’t know how she does it. I think she might be psychic.”

This is much better. We’re in safe territory now, I think. Far, far away from what I’ve already lived before. Now, I need to find a way to keep it like this. “Aren’t all moms?” I grin.

Rachel chuckles. “You might be right, Conrad.” Then she looks at Kenneth. “How do you guys feel about grilled cheese and tomato soup?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Rachel—”

“Nonsense,” she says calmly, though she looks ready to argue. “Alicia is going to want to eat lunch with you. I know you want to do what she wants, right?”

Kenneth purses his lips. “I—fine.”

Rachel grins triumphantly, leading the way into the living area. I stop short at the sight of it all, the same way I did so long ago. The sight of her in that hospital bed doesn’t get any easier to witness. Neither does the fact that it’s as if I’ve stepped into a mobile hospital room. IV pumps beep in the background, but a television is playing a little louder than they are. Alicia seems engrossed in what she’s watching, and I breathe in deeply to try to calm my nerves. It’s a terrible idea, as the scent of antiseptic and vanilla overpowers my senses.

I blink once, and Ken is already beside his mom, giving her a kiss on the forehead. She looks sickly, skin ashen, and lips dry. It doesn’t stop her from gazing adoringly at her son, though, and I’m rooted in place as I give them a private moment to say hello. In all honesty, I wouldn’t mind staying here a while longer. I’m terrified to move. But as if she can smell my fear, she notices me standing in the middle of the living room, a ship without sails.

Alicia lifts her arm to beckon me, and I walk quickly toward her as I watch her struggle to hold it up in place. Kenneth’s face pinches in concern, and he brushes his knuckles over her cheekbone. They look so much alike that it feels like I’m looking at him—he definitely takes after her. Same blue eyes, same lips—and it hits me that I’ve had these same fucking thoughts before.

I hurry and take her hand, and she finally lets her arm fall. It looks like that move took all her strength, and she smiles weakly.

“Do I know you?” Alicia asks me, eyes assessing me. “You look so familiar…”

I gulp. “Um, no. I’m sorry,” I lie.

“I’m so silly.” She chuckles. “It’s nice to meet you, Conrad.”

“Hi, Alicia.” I beam at her. “I’m so glad to meet you, too, finally.”

“Wait, how did you know it’s him?” Kenneth asks her, incredulous. “I didn’t even introduce you!”

Alicia chuckles. “As if it would be any other person.”

“Fair,” Ken says, rolling his eyes.