Page 98 of Before I Lost You

“I won’t,” Kenneth reassures me. “It’s you and me, baby.”

I kiss the spot between his shoulder blades and pull away, breathing in deeply, then pull out of him slowly. He hisses at the loss of me, and I pull his underwear and pants back up, then do the same for myself. Grabbing his hand, I pull him in the direction of my bathroom, then start filling up the tub with hot water. It’s large enough to fit us both, and I’ve never been more grateful to have spent so much money on a place. I let Kenneth go into the bathroom to clean up, and then we get in together. We’re sitting opposite each other, our legs tangled together and our eyes connected.

“Tell me everything,” he says softly. “Every last detail, Conrad. Don’t leave anything out. I need to know.”

I nod. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” he replies. “I have to know.”

I proceed to tell him everything—starting with my faceless dreams of him, how I realized it was him when I first saw him because of his infinity tattoo on his hand. I tell him almost every detail of our previous life together, including the end. The only thing I leave out is the death of his mom. He doesn’t need to relive that over and over. He listens intently, eyes watery, hands clenched on the edge of the tub. The water is cold now, but we don’t move. I’m not done, and he seems to sense that.

“I woke up in the hospital and couldn’t figure out how to get a hold of you. I was going crazy, and my phone was lost in the wreck. When I brought you up to my parents, they said they had never heard of you before. Which was insane considering I couldn’t shut up about you—not ever. But when the doctor came in and explained that it was May instead of December… I thought my world had ended.”

Kenneth is silent, lip trembling, so I continue.

“I found your keychain in the hospital room, and the day I got discharged, I went to your apartment. You weren’t there—”

“Is that why you were walking to the elevator?” he asks with a half smile, and I look down at my hands, a little embarrassed.

Okay,veryembarrassed.

“Yes,” I whisper. “I just needed to make sure you were real. That I didn’t dream it all up. And the key worked, Ken. It fucking worked. But when I saw you, and you didn’t recognize me, I thought the pain in my chest was going to take me out. I had to get you back, baby. I couldn’t be without you.”

“But isn’t it weird that we’re not reliving anything?” Ken frowns. “If you started over, reliving things, why has nothing been the same?”

“I made sure it wasn’t.” I sigh, beginning to tremble from the cold. But I’m not done, so I push through. “I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes—I want to live, Ken. I didn’t know any other way to make it happen. So I made sure I didn’t take you tothe same places, or say the same things, or do the same things. I wanted a clean slate.”

Kenneth nods slowly, “I get it. I would’ve done the same thing.”

“D-do you believe me?” I ask softly, afraid of the answer. “I know it’s a lot—”

“None of it sounds very real, Conrad,” he says gently, and I suck in a sharp breath. “But the things I’ve been dreaming about don’t seem real either.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been dreaming of you,” Ken says, eyes desperate. “Seeing you in places I’ve never been with you. I’m s-sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry I walked away. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

I nod, shifting my weight, grabbing him by the hips, and hoisting him onto my lap. Water sloshes onto the floor, but I couldn’t care less right now. Especially not when Ken crashes his lips to mine and holds onto me like I’m going to fly away. He’s gripping me for dear life, and now I know he’s scared. Really scared.

“I forgive you,” I whisper. “Just—please don’t let me drive. I can’t go through this again. Losing you again will kill me.”

“I won’t, baby,” Ken replies, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you. I do now. We’re going to get through this.”

“We will,” I reassure him. “We can do anything—together.”

“I love you.”

“You’re my heart, Ken,” I tell him, and my voice comes out unrecognizable. “I love you too.”

I’m not sure how much longer we stay in the bath, with the freezing cold water, finding solace in each other. But eventually, we get out and dry ourselves, then climb into bed together. Andwhen he wraps his arms around me under the covers, everything feels like it’s going to be okay.

I almost believe it.

Chapter 38

OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LUCK

It’s been six days since our fight. Since Kenneth walked out and left me. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if he hadn’t found me a couple of hours later, but I’m glad I never had to find out. Emerson is taking his sweet time to come around, saying Ken should’ve blindly believed me from the beginning, but I can’t really hold it against Kenneth. It did sound pretty crazy. I’ve tried putting myself in his shoes, and while I think I would’ve given him a chance to explain everything to me the first time around, I can acknowledge how it sounds. But my friend, my best friend, wants nothing to do with excuses. I love him for it too, even if he’s being a pain in the ass and trying to convince me to make the love of my life suffer a little bit longer. He said I forgave him too fast, but doesn’t he understand I can’t stay mad at him? I don’t even think I understand it sometimes. But it’s my reality.