Page 106 of Wingmen

It didn’t seem fair to say that. He wasn’t in a position to be saying that to someone when, according to his psychologist, he still needed to learn how to say it to himself. So he kept his mouth shut and just said it over and over again in his head, practicing. For Roddy, or himself? He wasn’t sure.

Elliot clasped his hand. “I have a question,” he said.

“Mm.”

“What happens when the season starts?”

Dustin shut his eyes. It was the absolute last thing he wanted to be thinking about. He felt Elliot’s lips touch his knuckles and looked at him. “What do you want to happen?” he said.

“I’m not sure. I think I wanna go back to Tampa? But I’m, like…conflicted.”

“Why?”

Elliot turned onto his back, taking Dustin’s hand with him and lacing their fingers on his chest. “Because on the one hand, it’s where my mom is, and my friends, and my team. And it’swhere I came up, and Ilikethat I get to play for the city where I was born.”

“Uh huh.”

He sighed. “And on the other hand, I don’t want to ever see Reef Okafor ever again. And if I go back to Tampa, I have to be on his team. So I could request a trade, I guess, but I don’t know if they would go for that. Like, I could say it’s because I have concerns about Reef, but then I have to tell them…you know, everything.”

Dustin nodded, watching the side of his face. “I think you could make a pretty strong case,” he said. “But you’re a star player. You don’t have to tell themanything. You tell them you want to trade, and they do it because you’re the most valuable asset in the NHL.”

Elliot rolled his eyes.

“I’m not joking,” said Dustin. “Talk to your agent. Or you know what–” Something had just occurred to him. “Talk to that other guy. Arsenault’s agent. What’s his name – Gallagher.”

Elliot looked skeptical. “Wouldn’t I have to tellhimeverything? And isn’t that risky?”

“If Gallagher’sactuallypositioning himself as an ally who wants to be useful to queer players? No. He should be happy to answer questions, and professional and discreet and it should be absolutely fine.” He watched Elliot thinking this through, and added, “But you know what else you could do?”

“What?”

“Not trade.”

Elliot frowned again.

“Because it’s notReef’steam, is it?” said Dustin. “It’syourfucking team. And yeah, you could let him chase you out and run away to somewhere you don’t really want to be. Or you could tell him to go fuck himself. And keep your team.”

Elliot’s face cracked into a smile that Dustin was half-afraidmight turn into tears. He reached over and cupped Dustin’s face in his hand. “You’re very wise, Abuelo,” he said, and stroked his cheek with his thumb. “With your shaggy beard.”

Dustin snorted. “Uh huh. Yes, very wise, with my Mild Opioid Use Disorder.”

“With yourtriangle of interlocking factors.” Elliot held his face firmly. “It has nothing to do with wisdom.”

Gratitude swelled inside him, and Dustinvery nearlysaid the fucking thing, and managed not to. Instead he said, “But you shouldn’t stay in Tampa if it’s not good for you. Or safe. You don’t have to prove anything. You don’t have to push through or deal with someone’s shitty behavior if you don’t want to. If walking away is better for you, then you should do that.”

Elliot smiled. “See? Very wise.” He let go of Dustin’s face and bent his arm behind his head. “What about you? What are you doing next season?”

“What do you mean? Going into Injured Reserve. Starting in January, I hope. Why?”

Elliot was quiet, putting something together in his head. Eventually, he said, “I heard you and Jordan talking. About retirement.”

Dustin felt the word sink through him like a stone and closed his eyes. He wasn’t retiring. That was Jordan’s thing.

Jordan kept asking himrealisticallywhat was going to happen when he went back on the roster in January. Dustin kept sayingrealisticallyhe’d be playing fucking hockey again. Jordan kept asking why Dustin was clinging to this thing. He also kept talking about Dad.

When he looked at Roddy, Roddy was looking back with sad, fierce eyes.

“I don’t want you to retire, Bendito,” he said.