Page 62 of Freeze Frame

“It’s scary. I know. You go out in the world and you find someone you like, but you still have a job to do. So you do it, but the whole time you’re terrified that they’ll hate you for it, even when they promised not to. So you stop dating, and you stop trying to connect with people. And it doesn’t help because you’re still so fucking lonely you can’t breathe sometimes.”

I melted against Blue, letting myself enjoy the connection. It was familiar and safe, and it helped steady me. “Are we talking about me or you?” I asked him and he laughed.

“Why not both? We’re not so different, you know.”

“Your boyfriends both do porn, though. With you.”

“And with other people. It’s not that different.” Blue paused. “Okay, it is different. You’re right. With him being an outsider to the industry, I can see why you’d worry about David’s reaction.”

“What if he hates me?”

“He won’t.” Blue’s answer was quick and concise. “And I know it because David and Jax are a lot alike. They don’t lie to people. They don’t make promises they can’t keep.”

“I’m not sure if that makes it easier or harder.” I let out a sigh and tried to pull away from Blue, but he was stuck to me like a barnacle.

“Level with me. Do youwantto be here?”

“I asked for the scene.”

“But do you want to be here? Do you want to get naked with another person and let them touch you? Do you want to have Lukas and me film it? Do you want it edited and put on the internet so people can watch it and jerk off?”

“I—”

“Don’t answer yet. Think about it. Think about why you’re really here. Why did you ask for the scene in the first place? You haven’t wanted to be in front of the camera for a long time. You’d tapered off the amount of scenes you do so you could work behind the camera instead. And then you meet a guy, and things are going so well for the two of you. Suddenly you want to be in a scene. Why?”

“I—” I stopped and took a breath. “I’m sure you have an idea.”

He pulled me closer and dropped a kiss on my head. “I think you wanted to test someone. Maybe him. Maybe yourself. Maybe the relationship.”

A deep sense of horror flooded me, and I realized he might be right. Maybe this whole thing of me wanting to do a scene had been a way to protect myself. After all, if someone was going to leave me, they’d do it after I was with another person and not years down the road.

“I—do you think I was trying to sabotage my relationship?” The words were barely able to come out past the lump of emotion in my throat.

“I think only you know the answer to that.” Blue kissed the top of my head again. “Lukas won’t be mad if you change your mind. And neither will your scene partner, who has already said he’ll shoot with anyone.”

“Anyone?” I turned to Blue. “Is that the reason you’re here?”

He smiled at me and bopped the end of my nose with his finger. “Asher and I will take your place if you’re not up to shooting with Jesse.”

“Both of you?”

Blue shrugged. “Jax is on board. He said something about how hot it would be to watch his boyfriends with someone else.”

“Is he going to sit in the corner and bark orders?”

Blue’s smile turned wide and gleeful. “Well, he is now.”

“And if I do the scene?”

He shrugged, his smile not faltering. “Then Asher and I will probably have sex for Jax’s benefit anyway. We literally can’t lose, no matter what you choose.”

“How long do I have to decide?”

“As long as you need, you know that. Lukas is just worried that you’ll make a decision you regret.”

“Did he send you down here to talk to me?”

“Nah, I volunteered. Everyone wanted to come down actually, but I warned them that if we all came in, it would feel like an intervention.”