Page 63 of Freeze Frame

“Maybe I needed one.”

“Maybe you did. But I think an intervention of one was enough.” He held me for another few minutes, then kissed my head again. “I’m going to give you some space to think about things. We’ll all be around if you need something, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, feeling a little bereft when Blue got up and left me sitting alone on the bed. “Thanks, Blue.”

“Anytime. And I mean it.”

“That means a lot, thank you.”

“Okay, Josh. I’ll be around if you need me.” He shut the door behind him and at first the room felt too big without anyone else in it. And then it felt too small, like I might die of suffocation. Getting up off the bed, I went to the window and cracked it open. The fresh air poured in, and I immediately felt better.

For several minutes, I stood at that window and just concentrated on breathing. At first, I didn’t even let myself think about what Blue said. Then it was all I could think about.

I tried to imagine myself in one of the other rooms. I could picture taking my clothes off as the camera rolled. It was easy to imagine the way I’d pose and move for the benefit of the camera. And then I tried to add another person into the scene, and my brain wouldn’t function beyond them being a spectator. Even in my head, I shied away when they reached for me.

Once upon a time, when I’d been younger and far more lost and in need of cash so I could transition, I’d been in a love-hate relationship with my body and somehow I sort of fell into doing porn. It started with an acquaintance. Someone I hooked up with from time to time had gotten into the industry, and they told me about it.

At first, it was kind of bad. I wasn’t in a good place mentally, but doing the work gave me the means to change things I desperately needed to change. The work became a lot more bearable. Sometimes, I even liked it. But had I ever loved it? Not until I started working behind the scenes.

It was the creative aspect that had drawn me in. I soon discovered that I could blend creativity with the technical aspects. Angles. Lighting. Editing. Filters. All of them were tools to craft a stunning end result.

That was the part I loved about the job. That was the part I didn’t want to give up.

I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Lukas, telling him that my plans for the day had changed and apologizing for theinconvenience. Somewhere in the house, I heard someone let out a happy littlewhoop whoop, and I found myself smiling at the way my presence wouldn’t be missed.

Lukas sent a voice note back, telling me that alternative arrangements had been made, and that I could stay holed up in that room for as long as I needed. He sounded slightly concerned and offered to come check on me, but I sent him a message back, declining. I did, however, plan to stay in the room for a while, and I let him know that I’d appreciate some privacy as I locked the bedroom door.

I might not be shooting a scene today, but there was something else I wanted to do while I was here.

THIRTY-ONE

DAVID

The idea had beenfor Josh to film while I was at work so I would have other things to keep my mind off it. A task that had quickly proved to be impossible, but it was the thought that counted.

One thing I learned about myself throughout the day was that I was still okay with it. My stupid dick perked up from time to time to remind me that he, too, was okay with it.

I kept wondering what they were doing. Was Josh having a good time? Would he do the things he did with me with someone else? How did I feel about that? I decided that intention meant more than action. Josh wasn’t there to make love to someone. He wasn’t there with his heart open, searching for something that I hoped he could only get from me.

Anyone could give him their body, but I liked to believe that the way I loved him was pretty rare.

By the time I got home and let the dogs out, I was still basically just a walking erection. It didn’t matter that I’d talked myself around in the same circle all day, my dick was still veryinvested in the idea of watching Josh with someone else. I’d looked up the guy Josh said he’d been paired with. He was good-looking in a generic porn star kind of way. Jesse was the kind of guy you might find easily forgettable, unless he smiled at you. His smile was killer, even I’d admit that. When he smiled, he went from generic to gorgeous.

At the end of the day, it didn’t matter how hot Jesse was or how good his smile was, or how much chemistry he and Josh had together. What mattered was that Josh was coming home to me.

Unsure of the standard practice for greeting your porn actor boyfriend after he’d filmed with someone, I decided that making him dinner would be a good idea. I didn’t have the concentration for anything fancy or complicated so I roasted some tomatoes, onions, and garlic and when they were done I pureed them and made them into a nice soup.

Josh pulled up not long after I got the soup simmering on the stove and the dogs ran to the door to greet him. Both of them barked and wriggled and were obviously excited to see him. Josh bent down and scratched them behind the ears and showered them with affection and gentle words.

“Gee, if I bark and shake my ass, do I get a hello like that?” I said, watching Josh lift his gaze from the dogs to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the reason he looked stressed and tired. But then that expression melted away, leaving only relief behind.

He stood and walked straight into my arms, and I held him close. I kissed his hair and fought the urge to start questioning him about his day. Obviously he was going to tell me how it went—it was part of what we’d agreed to—but I didn’t want him to feel pressured. Or that I cared more about what he did than how he felt.

“Are you hungry?” I asked instead. “I have tomato soup on the stove, and I could make us a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches to go with it.”

“I could eat,” Josh said without moving away from me. If anything, I think he held on a little tighter.

“I’m going to need the use of my body if you want those sandwiches.”