Page 65 of Freeze Frame

“Come sit with me. You don’t have to watch if you don’t want to,” I said. “You can keep your eyes closed.”

Josh didn’t sit. He shook his head and flicked his gaze to the phone.

I pressed play.

“Today I was going to shoot a scene with someone. I was going to be in front of the camera for the first time in a longwhile, but then I realized I was doing that for the wrong reasons. Those reasons aren’t for your ears, but what I can tell you is that… effective, well, immediately, I’m retired. I’m still going to work behind the scenes with editing and filming and writing scripts, but my on-camera days are over. I want to thank all my fans for sticking with me through the years, and I know you’ll be happy for me as I enter a new phase of my life.”

I was sure that my confusion must have shown on my face because Josh quietly laughed. “If you keep watching, I will explain everything.”

Maybe he sensed that I needed him close because he finally sat next to me. He looped an arm around my waist and leaned against my shoulder.

“Now, David,” on-camera Josh said, “you’re probably wondering what the fuck happened.”

“A little,” I answered.

“I didn’t want to film with someone else today. It… I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. I asked Lukas to schedule me one out of fear. I think I believed you’d leave if I did it. That you’d realize my job wasn’t something you could live with. I think I was trying to test you because I’ve been left before. I’ve been hurt by people who were never supposed to hurt me, and I guess I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to happen again.”

“I wouldn’t have minded if you’d gone through with the scene,” I told him when on-screen Josh paused to breathe.

“Today was a test, and I thought at first that it was to test you, to see if you’d leave. But maybe today actually tested me. The old me, River, would have done something he wasn’t comfortable doing just to prove a point. River would have done it just because he said he would do it. River would have let it eat at him for a long time after. He’d have let it get in the way of what he really wanted.” Josh took a deep breath and let out a sigh, and even on screen I could see the way his shoulders relaxed, the way thetightness around his eyes eased up. “But I’m not River anymore, and I haven’t been for a while. River is officially retired. I don’t need him anymore.” Josh paused again and took a deep breath. “I need Josh. And I need you.”

I paused the video, not caring if there was more to hear.

“I hope you don’t feel like I was pressuring you into doing the scene.” I turned my body so I could face him and to my relief, he shook his head.

“I was pressuring myself, for a lot of reasons, and none of them were the right ones. You might have accepted that River was a part of me, but I like being Josh with you. I like feeling the way you make me feel. It wasn’t that River wasn’t real, but I feel like… like River was a costume that I grew out of, and I didn’t realize how much until I tried to put it back on.”

“I want you to know that I’m proud of you. And I’d have been proud of you if you’d decided to go through with it, if it was something you really wanted. I’ll be proud of you no matter what you do.”

“If you still like the idea of watching me with someone else…”

“Then we have all your old videos to watch together,” I assured him. I went to set the phone down so I could get my hands on him, but he smiled at me and stilled my hand.

“There’s a happy ending for you to watch if you press play.”

“Or, hear me out, you could give me a live demonstration right here.” I tossed the phone aside. I could watch the video later. Right now I wanted—needed—to touch Josh, live and in person.

THIRTY-TWO

JOSH

Davidand I agreed to meet Violet for dinner at a little place near the doggy daycare. It was meant to be a proper reintroduction now that the dust had settled from their first encounter. After which, I’d basically frozen her out for a couple of weeks.

She was sorry. I understood that, and we’d gotten together last week, shortly after my retirement video went live, to set new boundaries and ground rules. Violet was no longer allowed to ask about my love life. She could comment on what I chose to share. I still hadn’t told her that I’d retired from camera work. I figured I could toss that out there tonight if the conversation needed saving.

She was sorry, but a little residual anger about the whole thing still clung to me in spite of me trying to let it go and move on. Part of me worried that she hadn’t heard anything I’d said, and that tonight was going to be another disaster. For that reason, I also convinced Hannah to join us. She’d met Violet once or twice and the pair seemed to get along okay. I justneeded there to be some kind of buffer that wasn’t me if things started to go sideways.

David gripped my hand and gave it a squeeze. “You okay?” he asked as we walked the short distance to the restaurant from where we parked.

“I should be asking you that question.”

“I’m fine. I had to raise a teenager by myself. I’m used to being disliked.”

“That’s not helpful.” I scowled. “I want her to like you.”

“Will her liking me affect your opinion of me?”

“No.”