Page 189 of First in Line

“I love you,” I moan into our kiss when his hands grab my behind and pull me onto his crotch.

“I fucking love you, you stubborn, irritating woman.”

When his lips crash into mine again, we let ourselves spiral into the overpowering passion that consumes us. It becomes very clear what’s about to happen, especially when he nudges me toward the daybed, gently laying me down on it while never letting go of our kiss.

This isn’t at all how I thought I’d be doing this, but when have things ever gone the way I expected with this man?

“Jax, wait,” I plead as his lips draw a burning line from my jaw to my collarbone.

“Don’t worry. This room locks.” He stops his ministrations just long enough for his hand to reach the door and secure our privacy.

“No, it’s not—I have some things I wanted to say. I had a whole speech prepared. And I’m scared I won’t get to tell them if we let this escalate.”

“You’re worried you’ll have forgotten how to speak by the time I’m done with you?”

“Yes, and… that I’ll chicken out and never tell you, because you’re willing to take me back without having to justify myself or atone for leaving you again.”

There must be something in my voice that betrays how important this is for me, because he stops kissing the top of my breasts and adjusts us on the daybed.

We’re plastered onto one another on the narrow mattress, without a lick of space between us. I’m trapped between him and the backrest, and it might have been on purpose. Maybe some part of him is still worried I’ll change my mind and run for the hills.

“So, what did you want to tell me, princess?” he murmurs, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

Everything’s ready in my head. I’ve been rehearsing for over a week now. But as I sit right here, so close to him, it becomesa little jumbled. Especially with his amazing eyes, inches from mine. It’s probably why I begin more abruptly than I meant to.

“I know we both lost Ophelia. And I know it was so hard for you, too. I promise I’m not implying it was easy for you. But… I had slipped into depression in the months that followed our move to Belgium. And no matter how happy I was about being pregnant and the prospect of becoming a mom, it never truly went away. Then, after she died, not only did I have to deal with the grief of losing her, but I also grappled with postpartum depression and survivor’s guilt. The worst thing was knowing she died because I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. I was in such a state of despair, Jax… I couldn’t pull myself out of it, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to.”

I pause, the words heavy on my tongue. Admitting all this out loud, especially to him, is harder than I thought.

“One day, I decided it had to end. It had been five months since Ophelia died, and I wasn’t feeling any better. I thought I would never know joy again, never move on from the tragedy that struck us. And I decided to swallow my entire bottle of sleeping pills. I realized five pills in that after losing your daughter, you’d come home to find your wife’s lifeless body. And I couldn’t do that to you. It was too cruel. You didn’t deserve that. Without realizing it, you saved me.”

His mesmerizing gaze is shiny with tears, pain twisting his eyebrows as he processes my confession.

“I threw what was left of the pills in the toilet so I wouldn’t be tempted again, forced myself to puke out the ones I’d swallowed, and prepared an exit plan instead. I know you thought I abandoned you that day, Jax, but I was freeing you. You were trying so hard to lift me up, but I knew I would drag you down with me instead. You had your teammates, Formula 2, your dream… You had a reason to live when I felt like I had none.”

Hoping he doesn’t take it personally, I lay a hand over his muscular torso. He should have been my reason to live. And in a way, he was. But staying by his side was too painful.

“I returned to Indianapolis,” I continue explaining, “where Mariana let me stay with her for a while. I didn’t think I would get better. It wasn’t really the plan. But I did. Being away from you, from the house, returning to work… It distracted me enough that I didn’t think about what happened all the time. I resumed my studies, worked on myself… And by the time I was ready to come back, you had moved on.”

“I never moved on,” he feels compelled to say.

“I know that now. But back then, I was witnessing your rise in the Formula One world. Seeing headlines with women you were allegedly dating. Watching you in interviews and everything. So I decided I wouldn’t return to you. We’d fallen in love as kids, and adulthood had caught up with us, showing us we weren’t as compatible as we thought.”

“I would have welcomed you back in a heartbeat, Evie.”

I offer him an apologetic smile. “You did. Even seven years later, you took me back.”

Feeling grateful for his forgiveness, I caress the trimmed side of his head. “I’m telling you all this because I need you to understand that the year that followed Ophelia’s death was so emotionally damaging that it left deep scars. I’m still not sure how I made it out alive. But I moved back to Colorado after getting my bachelor’s, found the position with Cynthia, and built my own little life there. Nathan offered stability, predictability, and I think that’s why I allowed myself to love him, in a way. I needed that on a subconscious level. And then you barged in and flipped my peaceful, organized world on its axis. I tried to fight it because there was this nagging in the back of my head that kept telling me only pain and suffering were at the end of that road.As though those emotional scars had woken up, and they were itching, like a constant reminder of what I went through.”

Like he can’t help himself, he tenderly grazes my temple with his knuckles, as if trying to appease what went on behind the layer of skin and bone there, in my brain.

“But of course, you won me over, and all the nagging died down. All I could see was you, and how deeply and incandescently happy you make me. When the whole thing happened with the press, those insecurities and doubts came back with a vengeance. It felt like the beginning of the end. I tried to fight those thoughts, but it was all I could see, all I could hear. And on top of everything, I dreaded the day they would find out about Ophelia, because it would bring it all back to the surface. The worst moment of my life, ofourlives, plastered all over the internet for everyone’s entertainment. And I just couldn’t bear it.”

Jax shakes his head. “They won’t ever find out about her. When privacy became an issue because of my fame, I had my legal team contact the hospital to request enhanced protection for all records relating to Ophelia’s birth and death. Even the consultations you had throughout the pregnancy. Those files can only be accessed by senior medical staff, and every access requires a login.”

My heart burns with love for this man more than it ever has before. “You protected her from them?”

“She was technically protected by law, but I took extra measures, yes.” We say nothing for a moment, staring at one another for lengthy seconds. Then he gently asks, “What are those nagging scars telling you now, Evie?”