Page 54 of Psychotic Nightmares

Gustin nods. “Thank you. Before you treatme, can you check on Anya. Please.” He sniffs.

“Anytime, buddy. And okay, but you have to promise to let me clean up your wounds after, okay?” Gustin nods again, stands and slowly coaxes Anya from her sleep, whispering that she will be alright over and over again.

“Good job Pea isn’there. One look at these kids and she would have,” he mimics a gun to his head and shooting himself, “that fucker there and then.” Bull says in a hushed tone.

“I tried.” I whisper, “only, when I pulled the trigger it just clicked.”

“You didn’t take the safety off.” Gustin answers. “But it’s good to know you would have killed to protect us. I always thought you would.”

I vowed to myself years ago that I would never harm another being. But seeing them both there, injured and neglected. I couldn’t control myself. I just couldn’t.

Anya sits up on the bed, her head rests on her bent knees as she stares at us. Gustin explains that Bull is a doctor and he will help her. She hangs onto his every word. “And I’ll be right here, just squeeze my hand if you feel any pain okay?” He finishes and she nods. Her body shakes violently as Bull starts checking her arms and legs for any injuries. Fortunately she only has a few cuts and bruises. She refuses to let him check anywhere else. “And the baby?” Gustin questions. “Is the baby okay?”

“Baby?” Bull's eyes widen. “Anya, darlin’, are you pregnant?” She nods. I take a shaky breath. “Okay, have you thought about what you want to do?” She nods again. “Do you want to keep the baby or abort it?” She doesn’t answer. “Yes or no questions only, huh?” She nods. “Do you want to keep the baby?” She nods. “I have one more question for you. Do you know who the father is?” She nods and looks toward Gustin.

“Either pa, or me.” He chokes. “Pa made me,” he looks at me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. He made me.I didn’t want to but he made me. He threatened to kill her if I didn’t, and then he went and raped her after anyway.” Gustin sobs loudly. “I’m sorry.” Anya hugs him tight, patting his back. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t know how to feel as my legs weaken from under me. Dante catches me just before I hit the floor.

I begin to slowly remove his hands from me to backout of the room. I know Dante and Bull will keep them safe. Will make sure they’re okay. But rightnow there’s only one person I need. Dante seems to understand that too as he whispers, “go to him, kitten. You need him just as much as he needs you. I understand.” He presses his lips to my temple. “It’s okay.”

I need Julian.

Sixteen

Natalie

“Julian.” I whimper as soon as I close the door behind me. “Help me.” He bolts from the couch to where I am standing and pulls me into his arms. The arms that cradled me a thousand times. The arms belongingto the man who loves me, who I love.

The man who will kill for me.

“Julian.” I mouth his name. “Julian.”

“I’m here for you, treasure. Tell me what’s wrong.” I grasp his arm hard enough to make him bleed as my nails break his skin, leaving crescent moon shaped wounds. “Breathe, baby.”

“Julian.”

“Breathe, Natalie.” He takes my hand and holds it against his chest. “Breathe with me okay.” Once my breathing evens out. “Good, that’s good, treasure. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“I feel this overwhelming need to,” I pause, “to kill him. I almost did. I didn’t know there was a safety thing on the gun. I almost killed him, I wanted to after seeing what he did to those kids. What do Ido? Tell me what to do. Please.”

Julian walks me over to the sofa. I sink down into the soft cushion while he crouches before me. “Natalie. I fucked up when I tried to make you kill Howard. But I knew you had that anger inside you somewhere, and now it’s coming out. I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t tell you how to feel. But I can tell you that once that murderous need takes over, you will do anything in your power to make it go away.” He slides his mask off the table and fiddles with it. “Everyone has that feeling inside them, most people control it though. But you’re like us Natalie. You are a bandit just like us.” He stands and walks out of theroom, re-emerging a few moments later with a bag. “My anger comes from seeing innocent people get hurt by monsters. Monsters like your pa and Howard. But yours comes from seeing the ones you love get wronged.” He places the bag into my hands. “I got this made for you a while ago. When you told me you hated being called angeland would rather be a devil.” I chuckle, remembering the conversation. “I knew exactly what kind ofmask you would wear if you were ever part of our group.” I glide the mask from the bag and huff out a laugh. “Only use it if you want to though. I’m not going to pressure you into doing anything. If you want him dead I’ll do it for you.” He puts his hands over mine, the mask sits heavy in my fingers. “I get it Natalie.” He sighs. “I get why you would pick Dante, he’s perfect for you…”

“I can’t have this conversation with you right now, Julian.” I shake my head.

He nods in understanding. “So what do you want to do?” He taps the mask. “What do you need me to do?”

It doesn’t take long for me to make my decision. I know what I have to do to protect my daughter, and if that means going against everything I ever told myself then so be it. I promised myself to never harm others like they harmed me. But fuck that, Pa is going to get what he deserves.

“I need you to put on your mask and come in with me. I need you to pull me out if I get too far into my own head. I need you to keep me on track and remind me that I’m doing this for those children in there.” I point to the medical room door. “I need you to keep me sane while I’m doing something completely insane. Leave me to do what I need to do, just stay in there with me. Please. I know I wronged you, but please do this one thing for me and I promise I won’t ever ask you for anythingagain.”

“There she is.” He beams. “And you can ask me for help anytime, treasure. Whether you hate me or not, I will always be here for you.” He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Always.”

We both slide on our masks, everything feels like it’s going in slow motion as he pulls me from the couch and holds my hand as we enter the locked room, lock the door behind us and watch pa blink until his eyes get used to the fluorescent lights.

“Oh look, my little angel has come to visit me.” He smirks. “Why are you wearing such a horrid thing? You look just like him.” He nods toward Julian, who is fiddling with something over by the fireplace, Then the roomlights up even more as the fire starts to burn. It was out when I was in here earlier, so I guess Julian wants to play with fire tonight. Unlike being in here withHoward, my pulse is completely steady. My breathing is normal and there is no sign of another panic attack.

Because Julians with me.