Page 34 of Heaven on Earth

“Yes,” I lied. “Perfectly well. Thank you for asking.”

“Losing someone you love hurts more than anything else,” they said. “I’m afraid I know all too well.”

I set the book I was holding back on the shelf and turned to look down at them. “You’re right, I’m afraid. And you were right when you matched us together — we were meant for each other, weren’t we?”

They nodded. “I believe so.”

“Then there’s no use in trying for another match?”

“There is always the possibility of someone else being out there for you, but no, they will never quite live up to Ryan.”

“Then I suppose it’s time for me to take my leave. There’s nothing more for me here. I’ll see you around, Librarian.”

“Yes,” they said somberly. “And I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

I shook my head. “How can I? He just left — for good.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. But it’s not my place to meddle, so that’s all I shall say. Goodbye, Ciel.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Goodbye, Librarian. And thank you for the rather…illuminating chat.”

They smiled. “I’m always happy to be of help.”

They certainly were, and they’d given me a great deal to think about after such a short chat. But there was nothing I could donow except wait, and if the waiting didn’t kill me, I might just emerge on the other side of this happier than ever.

25

RYAN

We got back to my apartment late in the afternoon. I didn’t know what to say as I unlocked the door and let my parents inside, so I kept my mouth shut. In fact, no one tried to talk until we were all trapped in my tiny apartment together with nowhere else to turn. It was impossible to avoid the elephant in the room now.

“I hope you’re not mad at us,” Dad said quietly.

“I — what?” I cocked my head, struggling to understand where he was coming from.

“Well, you didn’t want to tell us that Ciel is a man — or an angel — for a reason. It must be a good reason, so I hope we haven’t done anything to hurt you.”

Mom pulled Dad closer, slipping her arm through the crook of his elbow. They watched me cautiously, waiting for me to explain my reasoning.

“That’s not it at all,” I said quickly, starting to pace back and forth as nerves overtook me. “No, I didn’t tell you because, well, because I didn’t believe myself that I could be in love with someone like Ciel. I thought it was a short little fling, or an experiment, or…something. I don’t know what, but I neverthought it would last. I guess I told myself to rationalize my feelings without having to change how I thought of myself, but that didn’t work out too well, did it?”

“That’s not for us to say,” Mom said, stepping away from Dad to put her arm around me and force me to stop pacing. “We’ll love you no matter what. I hope you always remember that.”

I nodded. “I know. I feel like an idiot now, making Ciel leave me just to keep my image up for my own parents.”

“Itisa little cruel,” Dad said, sitting down on the couch so he could stretch his legs out on the makeshift coffee table. “I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated like that.”

“But what can I do now? I already ruined things.”

“Couldn’t you talk to Ciel — in private — and explain yourself?” Mom asked. “He might not take you back, but if you really love him, you should want to make things right.”

“I suppose I could,” I said slowly, “but what if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“I wouldn’t blame him.” Dad shrugged, but Mom went over and slapped his knee.

“Sean, you’re not being much of a help.”

“No, Dad is right,” I said, resuming my pacing, though now it was to help me think. “I could always write him a letter to get all my thoughts out. But that feels like the easy way out to me. I need to talk to him in person. I guess I could just go to his house and if he turns me away, at least I’ll have tried.”