Page 90 of The Sound of Him

Am I just that used to it now? Is my body caught in an endless loop of suffocation? Are the nightmares and panic attacks the reality, and the short bursts of clarity just my mind making things up when I black out?

Maybe I’ve been suffocating since that night and just didn’t know it.

Maybe I’ll spend the rest of this life fighting for air.

“Is it soft?” a voice asks. A man’s voice. Gentle. Kind. Warm, but not as warm as I want. It’s the wrong voice. That’s why. This is the wrong man. Not a bad man, just the wrong one.But who is the right-“Matt? Is your bunny soft?”

Is my…?

I open my eyes, lashes sticky and wet. I’m holding a stuffed bunny. A blue bunny.Myblue bunny.

No, not justholding. My hands areclenchedaround it.Squeezingit.Hurtingit.

I hurriedly gentle my touch, tears spilling down my cheeks.Was I just strangling him? Was he suffocating too?

He doesn’t deserve that.

I didn’t deserve-

“Matt?”

Not my name.

Not my name, not my name, not my-

“Can you look at me? Hey, Matt, I need you to look up at me please. Can you look at me?”

Looking isbad. Looking makes it worse. Master Mica doesn’t like when you look, doesn’t like when you talk, does not, does not, does notlike when you say no.

There’s a soft sound, like a bell. I jump and search for the source. My eyes fall on the man across from me. Not a master. Not Mica.

His name - his name is - I don’t - but he’s…safe?

He’s safe.

He’s not really who I want -who do I…?- but he’s safe.

What’s his name?

He smiles.

He’s a doctor and he smiles and his name - his name is -

He’s smiling right now.

Dr. Smile, I guess he can be.

“There you are. Hello. Do you know where you are right now? You’re in a safehouse. In my office. We were doing a therapy session. It’s-” he pauses, checking his watch. “-just after 8 PM. Look outside.”

He gestures to the window. I look over at it, blinking. The blinds are pulled down, keeping some privacy for us, but the slats are open to let the light filter in. There isn’t much light left, though. The sun is setting.

“You’re safe. You’re here with me. You are safe here with me. Nolan and Bryce are here. So is Carter and Casey. You’re in a safehouse. You’re safe. I promise, you’re safe.”

I nod slowly. I remember. Now. I remember now. This is his office, in the safehouse, and he’s Dr. Smile -no, no, he’s Dr. Singh, yeah, Singh, Dr. Singh- and I’m safe.

“Do you know where you are?”

I nod again, this time more sure. I’m here safe in the safehouse.