Page 91 of The Sound of Him

For a minute, though, I had been back with Mica. The thought makes me shudder, a phantom itch crawling up my throat.

He can’t get me here. He can’t. Travis is going to find him and kill him and he’ll never be able to get me. Not ever again.

What if Travis doesn’t find him?

But there are cameras here.

There are cameras and Ace -Ace, that’s who I want, warm smile, warm voice, warm, warm, warm, why am I not in his office, I like his office more, can I leave?- won’t let anyone enterthe house. If Mica showed up here, Ace would know. He’d take care of it.

I’m safe.

I can breathe.

“Can you give me a thumbs-up or show me one finger or nod if you can hear me?”

I nod and do one finger at the same time. It’s awkward doing the finger, though. My bunny almost slips out of my hand.

“Your bunny is really nice. Fits perfectly in your pocket, doesn’t it? He must be very soft. Or - I’m sorry.Ishe a he? A she? A they? Something else? I don’t mean to assume.” He winks, playful, happy, warm. He’s smiling again. “We accept all pronouns here in Casa De Singh.”

I almost smile. I feel the warmth of one, which is close.

I think of my bunny as ahe, but I don’t have the sign for that. I show him one finger. He guesses, “He?” I nod. He smiles. Again.

Maybe he really should just be Dr. Smile. Does he practice that thing? Or is that natural? Is there a therapist class where they all smile at each other like they’re crazy and then get graded on it?It’s hard to be so smiley without coming off unhinged, but he pulls it off. If it was a class, he probably got an A.

“Well, as much as I think your bunny is awesome, and very conveniently sized, there may be times you don’t want to wear your hooded sweatshirt, or times you don’t want him to come along somewhere in case he might get lost or wet or just because you don’t feel like it. But I can tell his fur really helps you, so I have something else for you. Give me one second.”

When he comes back after grabbing something from his desk, he’s carrying a little velvet drawstring bag. I take it when he offers it, a little overwhelmed to be given yet another thing. This has been a lot tonight. A lot a lot.

“You don’t have to open it right now if you don’t want to. They’re worry stones. You can keep one in your pocket at all times, or the whole bag. You can put one in each room of the house, or the rooms you spend the most time in. Whatever you want to do with them, they’re yours. Just another thing like your bunny to help ground you. Next time, we can practice some other grounding techniques. With these in particular, I recommend-”

The velvet is soft.

I don’t feel liberated at all.

Chapter Sixteen

Ace

Matt didn’t show up the night I brought the snacks to my office, which was probably for the best. I had overthought the situation so much that I probably would have either rambled myself right off a cliff or would have come in so hot and heavy that he would have never come within ten feet of me again.

By the time he shows up the second night, I’m feeling much more calm and collected about the whole thing.

I invite him in with a low-key smile. I warn him I’ll probably be listening to music again and the same rules stand. I’m calm. Collected. Cool.

Then I -so casually, super casually- say, “Don’t mind all the snacks. I’ve been in here more than usual with Travis gone and a few other things that I have cooking in the pots. The metaphorical pots. Or is it cooking in the fire? Something is cooking, anyway. Not the snacks. The snacks aren’t cooking, obviously. All no-cook required snacks here. You want some? Oh man, these ones are so good, have you tried these? I’ve eaten two bags already. I’m going to have to buy a whole box in the nextshipment, but there’s more than enough left. I’ve got some extra drinks in my mini-fridge, too. All of these snacks are making me thirsty as shit. It’s mostly all of those electrolyte drinks. The blue ones. They’re my favorite. Do you like the blue ones? Here, I can grab you one. And don’t judge me on the fruit loops, okay? Because, yeah, like, I’m obviously not going to have cereal with milk in here, especially not anywhere near my baby, but dry cereal is like the king of snacks, don’t you think? You get all that sweet iron and nutrients and shit and it feels like you’re having a regular snack. Not even a regular snack. It’s practically candy, you know?”

And Matt is just blinking very wide eyes at me, standing frozen by the coffee table with his notebook to his chest.

That… was not very casual at all, was it?

Fuck me.

“So, uh - yeah. Snacks. If you want. Just don’t touch my licorice. We’ll have issues if you steal my licorice, alright? I am a man who takes his licorice very seriously.”

He blinks, blinks, blinks.

Then he slowly opens his notebook to the very first page and steps forward, angling it toward me. I realize quickly that it’s not the first page he wants to show me, it’s the inside of the front cover. A rainbow pie chart, each slice filled with a word, has been adhered there. I only have to read two of the biggest words to realize what it is.