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“Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.”
Her eyes widened and she swallowed. “What? I was only teasing! She wouldn’t do that.”
o;Spencer, I can’t,” she began, sounding exhausted.
“No. No, Cricket, I can’t. I’m the one who can’t take it anymore. You’re so confusing to me. One minute it feels apparent that you’re at least attracted to me, the next, you’re chillingly distant, afraid to even come near me, especially when Ethan’s around.”
“Don’t bring Ethan into this,” she said, sliding down to sit in the hay next to Eugie. She rubbed the back of her neck in attempt to rid herself of our already wearying day. I knew I wasn’t helping, that she and her family were stressed beyond belief, but I was miserable, more miserable than I had ever been in my entire life, and I was ready to bust the thing between us wide open. I was tired of pining, tired of feeling like she wanted me but not doing anything about it.
“Why not bring Ethan into this?” I asked.
“Because he’s an incredible guy.”
The jealousy burned deep with her answer. “There’s no doubt he’s a great guy,” I admitted bitterly, “but he’s not your great guy, Cricket. He’s not your fate, Cricket.”
She crossed her legs in front of her and tucked her hands between her thighs, resting her head against the wall and peered at the ceiling. “There’s no such thing as fate, Spencer.”
“Like hell there isn’t!” I exclaimed emphatically. “I can recognize fate when I see it...unlike you,” I said, breathing the last part.
She lowered her head and looked straight at me. “What are you saying?” she asked recklessly, unlike her usual very carefully planned statements to me.
I stood at my full height. “Are we doing this?” I challenged, my hands on my hips.
She stayed silent but eventually said, “Yes.”
The butterflies in my stomach attacked in multitude. I called her bluff but realized that I might not want to hear what she needed to say. “Why are you with Ethan?” I asked first.
She turned her head, afraid to look at me.
“Don’t do that,” I told her.
“Do what?” she asked, fiddling with a bit of hay that laid at her hand.
“Avoid looking at me when I bring up Ethan? When all I’m asking is for a simple declaration from you telling me that you love him. That you’re with him because you love him.”
“I do love him,” she said, still playing with the straw.
“Look at me.”
She lifted her gaze and stared straight through me. I wanted to fall on my knees and beg her to deny it, but I didn’t. I stood as still as a statue, waiting.
“I do love Ethan,” she spoke.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Say it like you’re not talking about any one of your family.”
Her head dropped quickly, then picked it back up. Her mouth opened and shut like a fish out of water.
“What I thought,” I said.
Tears streamed down her face. “You don’t understand,” she explained. “He’s so loyal to me, and right now I cherish that more than anything. I rely on him so much.”
“I can give you loyalty,” I told her softly, honestly.
She shook her head. “His loyalty is fifteen years old, Spencer. And that’s kinda the point of loyalty, isn’t it? When someone shows it to you, you have an obligation to return the favor.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it! You can’t base the rest of your life off of that, Cricket! Loyalty is commendable, yes, necessary, yes, but it’s not what makes a marriage happy.” We both paused for a moment, only our breathing present. I watched her carefully. “And that’s what you’re going to do, right? Marry him?”
“Maybe...eventually. I don’t know!” she exclaimed.
