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“What?!” I asked, frustrated beyond belief. “Cricket, I just-you’re not making any sense to me. That’s so illogical. In marriage, there has to be love. Trust me,” I said, thinking on my parents. “If you don’t want to be miserable forever, if you want to carve out even a small niche of happiness for yourself in marriage, you have to love the other person. And passionately. If-if you don’t have that, you have nothing,” I finished, sagging back against the wall.
“I think I could learn to love him,” she said, trying to convince herself, I thought, more than me.
“Cricket,” I begged, “if you haven’t done so yet, it’s never going to happen.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I-I don’t know what to say to you right now. You seem so afraid, but you won’t tell me why.”
“We’re not together, Spencer. You deserve no answer from me.”
My jaw clenched. “No, we’re not together. You’ve made that quite clear, and for no reason whatsoever it seems. You’re not the drama type, Cricket, so I don’t get why you’re fighting this so much.”
“I can’t do this,” she said, standing up but instead of leaving, she just watched me, practically pleading for me to take her.
I rushed her and pinned her body against the wall. Only our foreheads touched, our hands hung at our sides. She closed her eyes; both our breathing was strained, ready to burst with desire. It felt too heavy to breathe, too difficult. I closed my eyes as well, wanting to grab her in my arms and kiss her so hard, but I didn’t. I hadn’t been given permission.
“I know you’re falling in love with me,” I told her.
She nodded her forehead into mine, our noses almost touching; our lips mere centimeters apart. It was such a dangerous game, but I didn’t care if I lost. I just wanted to play.
“Please,” I begged her, my tongue heavy and thick. “Tell me it’s okay to kiss you.”
She moaned, pinching her lids tighter together as if in anguish. She wanted me just as badly as I wanted her.
“Just say one tiny word, Cricket. Just one word and I’ll have you. I’d be so good to you, Cricket,” I told her. She groaned deeper and shook her head back and forth against mine. “I’d adore you forever,” I promised. “Just one word, Cricket, and we’d be so good together, perfect really. One word,” I breathed again. I could feel her breaking down. Her face lazily pitched toward mine, imploring me to take her lips with mine, to explore her mouth with mine. I wouldn’t budge, though. I needed permission. She needed to say it. “Cricket,” I exhaled. “Jump with me.”
“Oh God,” she sighed and pressed her body against mine.
I shoved her farther back and pinned her tighter against the wall, my arms on either side of her head. She threaded her fingers through my hair and my eyes rolled into the back of my head. She brought my face into her neck and I inhaled her scent, my knees nearly buckling underneath me. I wanted her legs to climb up mine, but she sat there frozen, breathless, frustrating me to no end.
My nails dug into the wood a bit, furious at me for not touching her. I took the pain. It was a good pain, a pain I needed.
“Tell me,” I ordered her.
She shook her head even as she panted with the same hunger I had.
I raised my head and looked at her face. She opened her eyes and I was almost completely lost at how beautiful they were. “Cricket, say it.”
She bit her bottom lip, sending me into a near panic. “Oh, Cricket Hunt.” I shook my head to clear the delirium. I pressed my lids tightly. “Now, Cricket, say it now.”
Instead, her hands slid out of my hair and onto my shoulders. She immediately went distracted as her fingers felt the muscles in my shoulders and back up my neck, then back down my shoulders, all the way down my arms. She picked up my right hand and held it in hers while exploring it with the other. Her slender fingers repeatedly stroked the palm. I stayed completely still, though she was driving me crazy. I was afraid to scare her off. She was thinking, contemplating me.
“Callused,” she uttered, then met my eyes. She brought the hand to her lips and delicately kissed the palm before running her fingers back over it.
As if I couldn’t help myself, I gripped the back of her neck with that same palm, making her gasp. My other hand instinctively went to the small of her back and pressed her deeper into me.
“Cricket Hunt, I want you so badly.”
Something in what I said woke her up. Her previously dreamy stare cleared and she shook her head slowly. Just as languidly, she stumbled away from me, staggering toward the gate.
I turned toward her. “Cricket,” I called gently.
“I-I have to go to bed,” she stuttered, pretending nothing had happened and leaving the stall.
I stood, immovable, listening to her retreating steps. I felt something nudge my leg and looked down. She’d left Eugie and he’d stood, looking up at me. I slid down the wall and sat in the hay with him. He laid back down, his head on my leg and fell to sleep quickly. My hand went to his neck and rubbed there. I loved him as much as he loved me.
“So why can’t she get that same concept, huh, boy?” I asked a sleeping Eugie.
