Page 55 of After the Spy Seduces

“That’s ambitious.”

“I suppose.” Always before, with her father and the major, she’d dropped the subject at this point. But with Christopher, she felt emboldened and seized the chance to explain. “But the stables and paddocks at Idlewild are already the largest in the county, with plenty of room to expand. We have good grooms and drivers in place now—men who served with the general in the army, who can teach apprentices and stable boys the proper way to work with horses from the very start. They’ll pass down all their knowledge, and the boys will use that to improve their lives. And not just their lives, but their families’ situations as well. Too many charities help children but do nothing for the families. My charity wouldn’t be like that. We’d help everyone.”

“Including the horses.”

“You think I’m being silly.” She didn’t dare look at him. She didn’t want to see the same expression of patronizing sympathy she’d seen from her father and the major when she’d told them of her dreams.

“When I think of you, Diana,” he murmured, leading her onward in a winding path toward the roasted chestnuts, “silly isn’t at all a word that comes to mind.”

His husky words curled through her, warming her as they went.

Yet he cast her a dubious glance. “But I thought you’d want a husband, with a family and house of your own. Someone to help you raise Meri.”

“I do want that, too. It’s just…” She’d confided in him so far. There was no need to hold back now, so she admitted, “Finding a husband isn’t that simple.”

They reached the man who was stirring hot chestnuts over a small fire, and Christopher tossed him in a coin in exchange for a scoop. “Why not? You’re a special woman, Diana.” He nodded his thanks, then handed her the nuts wrapped in their scrap of paper and led her onward. “You could have your choice of eligible gentlemen.”

“It’s so much harder than that.” She frowned down at the chestnuts, not having an appetite for them. “I have to be certain that the man I marry loves me enough that I can trust in him about Meribeforewe’re wed, a man who will love her as much as the other children we might have together.” Unable to look at him, she fussed with the nuts as she added, “A man who can provide the stable life that a little girl like Meri needs.”

“And her mother.”

She stiffened, catching that comment as a gentle accusation. But he wasn’t wrong. “After a life spent constantly relocating to new places around the world every few years, is it wrong to want that?”

“Not at all. But my cousin Robert would have provided all of that for you.” He snatched up one of the chestnuts and popped it into his mouth. She couldn’t be certain through the chewing, but she thought she heard jealousy in his voice. “Why didn’t you marry him?”

“Robert is a good man, but I wasn’t absolutely certain that he would accept Meri as my child.” There was relief in being able to share these worries with him, when she’d never been able to speak of them to anyone before. Not even to Garrett. “Not completely. Not when his reputation is central to his business ventures. Meri and I would only have put that in jeopardy.”

“And Major Paxton?” He took her by the arm and led her through the pressing crowd. “He seems very interested in you.”

“His interests are not returned.” She handed him the sack, unable to eat another nut. She hadn’t eaten much more than a few bites during the past two days since Meri was taken, and even now, her stomach churned at the thought of food. “I assure you of that, despite what the general hopes will happen.”

He stiffened, but his face remained an unreadable mask. “He’s picked Paxton for you, then?”

“He wants me to be happily married and thinks that the major would give me that.”

“But you don’t want Paxton.” Not a question, she noted. She didn’t have time to ponder that before he asked, “Why not? He seems like a good man with a solid future.”

“In the army,” she added, following him deeper into the fairgrounds. “And that’s the problem. I can’t be a soldier’s wife. That life is too difficult.”Too insecure, too unstable…all the things she never wanted to subject Meri to.

“I’m trying hard not to take that as a personal insult.” He tossed the unwanted nuts away. “Technically, I’m still a soldier, too, you know.”

She knew that, and it ate a hole in her heart. Yet she tried to sound as unaffected as possible when she replied, “Then it’s a good thing you’re not interested in marrying me.”

He gave a stilted and self-conscious laugh. One that was forced.

She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Not with him. “What life do you want for yourself, Christopher? You can tell me.” Her lips twisted wryly. “I’m quite good at keeping secrets.”

He laughed, and she felt his defenses lowering. Yet the mask he wore to hide himself from the world still remained firmly in place. Would she ever be able to see completely beneath it?

“I can’t answer that,” he said, but he didn’t glance down at her, his gaze focused on the crowd around them. She knew he was scanning it for the French.

“Why not?”

“My future is not my own.” When she frowned at that cryptic answer, suspecting that he was keeping the truth from her even now, he added, “Nothing is certain beyond what’s happening at this very moment, and that I’m doing everything I can to protect you and your family.”

Her eyes and nose stung with emotion. When he said things like that… How on earth could she have ever thought him nothing but a shiftless scoundrel?

When she looked at him now, she could see right through that charade, as clearly as if he were wearing a costume. Just as she could see the flaws in the stories she’d heard about him, those clues that now appeared as bright as day. Now when she looked at him and saw exactly how dashing, strong, and daring he actually was, she also saw how wholly competent, capable, and successful.