Page 32 of The Midwife By the Sea

Hope had walked to the far end of the garden to stand by the Wendy house that had been painted in blue and white stripes and looked more like a small version of a beach hut than a house. She’d needed some time on her own to gather her thoughts, still trying to work out why she hadn’t been able to admit in front of Joe that she knew who her father was. All she could think of was that she was afraid of what he might say if she’d admitted that her father had no idea she existed, even though she had the information to track him down if she wanted. If Joe had told her he thought her father had a right to know, would that have taken away her choice to stay silent? Perhaps he’d have said the opposite, which might have taken away the possibility of ever telling him the truth. There couldn’t be any other logical reason for it, because there was no way he’d ever be able to guess the link between the two of them.

‘Are you okay?’ Louie’s voice behind Hope made her jump and, as she turned around to face him, she clutched her chest.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,’ he apologised. ‘I was just a bit worried about you. It looked like you might be upset and I wondered if it was all the talk about the adoption, and that maybe you wished you hadn’t been put on the spot like that.’

‘It wasn’t that so much, I just…’ She scanned his face, seeing the worry there, but there was doubt too. She could hardly blame him for doubting what she was saying, after all, he’d heard her tell an outright lie. ‘It was just when Joe started to talk about adopting a baby, I felt so…’

For the second time she couldn’t finish the sentence and this time Louie decided to fill in the blanks for himself. ‘I think I can see what the problem is. You’ve got feelings for Joe.’

Hope widened her eyes in surprise, wanting to tell him that he was wrong, but when no words came out, he was forced to continue.

‘I kept trying to tell myself that all the questions you’ve been asking me about Joe didn’t mean anything and that you were just interested in my job. But watching you today, looking at him with such intensity on your face, I knew there was more to it.’ There was no accusation in his tone, just a sense of sadness. ‘When you told him you didn’t know who your dad was, it seemed to shut down the conversation about adoption and it felt like that was what you wanted. The thought of Joe and Esther starting a family is too painful, because you’ve got feelings for him.’

‘Oh God, no!’ Hope finally found her voice, the words coming out in a rush in her horror at the conclusion Louie had reached. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of them, but she was going to have to tell him the truth. It wasn’t just that she needed to unburden herself to someone she trusted, she couldn’t bear the thought of him thinking she had those kinds of feelings for Joe. Louie had already come to mean a lot to her and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. Looking up the garden towards the house, the party was still in full swing. She could see Joe and Esther sitting on a picnic rug with Jess, Dexter and their children, a long way out of earshot. There was no one but her and Louie at this end of the garden, so there was nothing to stop her saying what she needed to say. Yet somehow, she still hesitated, leaving Louie to fill the silence again.

‘Look, I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt, because I really like you, but what I care about most is that you?—’

Taking a deep breath, she cut him off, her words spilling out the moment she exhaled. ‘You’re right, I have got feelings for Joe, but they’re not what you think. It’s because it’s him, he’s my biological father; the one I didn’t know if I should tell, because of what it might do to Esther.’

The creak behind them as the door of the Wendy house swung open drowned out whatever response Louie might have been about to make. Danni came out of the small space, navigating her exit slowly, because of the size of her bump and with her toddler son clutching her hand. When she finally stood face to face with Hope, she only uttered three words.

‘Is it true?’

All Hope could do was nod.

17

In the wake of Danni discovering the truth, Hope had begged her not to make any hasty decisions about telling her brother and sister-in-law.

‘I promised Esther there’d be no more secrets.’ All the colour seemed to drain out of Danni’s face when she whispered the words, as if she suddenly realised the weight of the promise she’d made.

‘Can we at least meet to talk about it first, where there’s no chance of anyone else overhearing?’ Hope’s tone was pleading and she was pretty sure her eyes were too, because she was desperate to try and slow things down, when they suddenly felt like they were spiralling out of control. She could kick herself for not applying the same caution with Louie and wished she’d made sure they’d talked in the knowledge that there wasn’t anyone else around. But the craziness of the conclusion he’d reached about Joe had thrown her. She’d questioned how Louie could possibly think that way, when her feelings for him seemed so obvious to her. Although she had to admit she had pressed him for information about Joe when they were together, and she had no doubt that there had been a look of intensity on her face when she’d been watching Joe at the baby shower. It was all such a mess, but at least Danni agreed to wait.

‘We could meet by the car park at Dagger’s Head for a walk tomorrow?’ Danni suggested.

‘I’m on nights so I’ll have to try and get a couple of hours’ sleep in the afternoon, before I start work, but I could meet you in the morning if you’re free?’

‘How about we meet at 10a.m.?’

As Hope nodded in response, Danni blew out her cheeks. ‘I still can’t believe it’s true. Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely. I’ve got a photograph of my birth parents together, on the beach in Port Agnes, that my birth mother gave me, and it’s definitely Joe. I’ll bring it tomorrow and tell you everything she told me then.’

‘Okay.’ Danni moved to turn away, but then she stopped, resting a hand on Hope’s arm. ‘Whatever happens, I don’t want you to feel bad about this. It was someone else’s decision to keep this from Joe for all this time, and any fallout there might be isn’t your fault.’

She smiled so kindly then, it was all Hope could do not to burst into tears. Ever since she’d first overheard Esther’s desolation, the day that she had hidden in the toilet cubicle, the secret she was carrying had felt like an unexploded bomb. She’d convinced herself that any devastation it caused, if it was ever revealed, would be down to her. Danni didn’t make her feel that way and the tears she tried so hard to hold back were ones of relief. That’s what helped her decide she was going to trust Joe’s sister to make the right decision after they’d spoken, whatever that might be.

Louie was brilliant too, after Danni had gone back to the party, her mind no doubt a maelstrom of emotions she’d been forced to hold on to. For the time being, at least. He apologised for getting things so wrong and for pushing Hope to reveal the secret, not just to him, but inadvertently to Danni too. She shook her head, reassuring him that it was for the best.

‘I’m glad,’ she said, taking hold of his hand. ‘Not that I would have chosen for it to come out like this, but it still feels like a burden has been lifted. It’s not just down to me to decide what’s the right thing to do any more. Danni knows Esther and Joe better than anyone, and she can help me work out what’s best for everyone.’

‘I can’t believe they won’t be glad you’re part of their lives, even if it’s a shock at first.’ Louie looked at her so earnestly then, and all she wanted to do was be folded into his arms. So she closed the gap between them.

‘Thank you and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before now.’

‘Danni’s right, you don’t owe anyone an apology, least of all me. Do you want to go?’

‘I do.’ Slipping her hand into his, they’d walked back up the garden, heading out of the gate, avoiding the need to say goodbye to anyone. The air was still warm even as the light was beginning to take on the golden glow it would reach before it started to fade. Neither of them had been in the mood for the cinema any more. Instead, he’d walked her home and they’d eventually ordered a takeaway, talking into the early hours of the morning, in a way she’d never done with someone she’d been dating. She’d only ever had those kinds of intense conversations with her sisters before, but Louie was special. She knew that for sure now, but she also knew she wouldn’t be able to focus on a proper relationship until the situation with Joe and Esther was resolved.