Page 78 of See You in Your Dreams

Tommy doesn’t reply.

I shake my head, turning to the front door and grabbing the knob. “You know what, screw this. I thought maybe if I talked to you, we could work things out, but I see now thatthat’sbullshit. You’ve hated me since you found out I was gay, and nothing I say or do is going to change that.”

“Wait!”

I pause halfway through turning the doorknob, the hint of desperation in his tone pulling me up short. I stay facing the door as he speaks, his voice halting and unusually hesitant.

“Look, I know I’ve been an asshole to you. I say a lot of stupid shit I don’t mean. The truth is, I…I’m jealous of you.”

Shock ripples through me. I spin to face Tommy, meeting his uncertain gaze. “Half the words out of your mouth are insults calling me worthless.”

He winces, running a hand through his hair. This time, I’m certain I see guilt flicker across his face. That admission of weakness surprises me even more than his unexpected words.

“I was never all that smart,” Tommy says quietly. “So, after I barely made it through my senior year, it seemed inevitable I’d pick up whatever job I could and stay here to support Mom and Pat. But you…everyonewas always talking about how bright and clever you were. How you were going to make something of yourself. Dad and I got along all right, but Mom…she practically shot beams of pride out of her eyes whenever she looked at you.”

His gaze breaks from mine, staring down at the cracked concrete porch. He kicks at a loose bit of stone. “I guess part of me resented you for it. Then, Dad left and I…well, I took it out on you. Told myself you were going to leave us behind, just like he did. So…yeah,” he finishes awkwardly, shuffling his feet as he shifts from the heels to the balls and back again. “I don’t hate you.”

I stare at him, struggling to process what had just happened. In all my wildest dreams of confronting Tommy, I’d never imagined it would go down like this. That had practically been an apology—or at least, as close as Tommy’s likely to get. It doesn’t excuse how he’s treated me…but I think it helps me understand where he’s coming from a bit better.

Tommy shrugs. “Well, that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. We can go back inside now.” He shoves past me toward the door, still avoiding looking at me.

“I used to look up to you, you know,” I say, stopping Tommy in his tracks. “When we were kids. I saw how close you and Dad were, and I wanted to grow up to be just like you. Like my big brother.”

A shudder races down Tommy’s back, and though it might be from the cold, I doubt it.

“I never planned to abandon anyone,” I continue quietly. “No matter what I end up doing next year, I’ll still be your little brother…if you want me to be.”

Tommy doesn’t answer for a long moment. I’m beginning to think he won’t when he finally turns. “I heard you tell Mom something about a boyfriend—is it that guy I saw you with after school? The out-of-towner?”

Tension floods me, and I press my lips together, nodding.

Tommy’s lip quirks as he holds up a hand. “Easy there, tiger. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch.”

“Seriously, Tommy?”

He clenches his jaw, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Dammit, look, I’m not trying to start a fight! All I meant to say is that he seemed like a decent enough dude. And it was pretty clear he cared about you.”

I puff out a breath, my anger fading as a smile plays over my lips. “He is. And he does.”

Tommy jerks a nod. “Good. I don’t pretend to fully understand the whole ‘gay’ thing, but…you do you. And I swear I’ll try to be less of a dick about it.”

“That’ll be hard for you,” I say without thinking. “Seeing as how good you are at being a dick.”

As soon as I realize what I’d said, I tense, bracing myself for Tommy to go off on me or take another swing. It’s the kind of thing I might’ve gotten away with saying to him years ago before Dad left, but not since.

To my astonishment, Tommy throws back his head and laughs. I flinch when his hand lashes toward me, but all he does is ruffle my hair the way he used to. “Point. It’ll be almost as hard as it will be foryouto stop being a smartass.”

I follow Tommy inside, feeling like I’m in one of Ash’s dreams. Mom greets us in the kitchen, hard at work on breakfast. As she calls for Patrick and we sit down around the table to dig in, I can’t help but think about how good it feels to have gotten things out in the open…and about how much further we still have to go. Plenty of rifts and wounds remain between us.

But it’s a start.

twenty-seven

Ash

I’m not sure howlong I lie in bed after Dylan leaves, refusing to get up. If I stay here, safe under the covers with Onyx, then I won’t have to face my aunt.

It’s only when I hear the front door slam and Aunt Claudette call out she’s home that I begrudgingly rise and tug on clothes, feeling like I’m about to march to the gallows.