Page 46 of A Thousand Second Chances

Oh.I slump against the wall, a nearby picture of Mackinac Bridge rattling. “I wanted to. But it was a lot to process. And then we had that big fight, and…” I shrug.

Apparently, that’s not good enough for him. He purses his lips, his eyes narrowing. “You should have told me! I would’ve been there for you! I could’ve helped you.”

“The doctors couldn’t save her, Chris,” I say wearily. “There’s nothing you or anyone else could’ve done to make it better.”

He hesitates, his face torn. When he speaks, his voice is small and broken. “I would have understood. If you’d told me, then maybe…” He trails off, but I hear the words he doesn’t quite dare speak aloud.Then maybe we’d still be together.

I swallow and turn away. My blurred vision focuses on another framed picture, this one of Main Street in the height of summer. “I was a mess, Chris,” I whisper. “I didn’t know how to process any of it. Hell, I still don’t. You were right about what you said to me earlier, about being afraid. I’m not as strong as you. I can’t face my problems head-on the way you do. I don’t know if I’ll ever even have the courage to admit that I’m…I’m…”

I flush.God, what’s wrong with me?Even now, alone with Chris in a resetting time loop, I can’t say the fucking word aloud. Just thinking about it opens a pit in my stomach and transports me back to that last night in the hospital with my mom when fear had gotten the better of me.

I promise…

Chris lets out a derisive snort. “Yeah, because I’msogreat at handling things in a healthy, reasonable manner. God, Perce, I’m as much a mess as you are.”

Somehow, I doubt that, but I let it go. Now’s not the time to get into a pissing match about who has it worst. “All the more reason it’s for the best things happened the way they did.” Chris looksready to argue, but I’m too drained, so I force a weary smile. “I think that’s enough heart-to-heart for tonight. I’m going to head back to my room and call it a night—maybe jot down some notes and brainstorm new ideas to try tomorrow.”

It’s always possible the time loop resolves itself on its own, but at this point, I’m not holding my breath. Somehow, I doubt the universe is done with us quite yet.

Chris frowns. “Why bother with notes? Won’t they vanish as soon as the day resets?”

“Probably. But it’ll help me organize and remember more of my thoughts. You should do the same if you get the chance.”

“Yeah, maybe.” He studies me uncertainly. “Look, I know we got off to a rough start this trip. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, I’ve got your back, Perce.”

Something in his expression is too warm and caring, especially in my current vulnerable state. It pierces me straight to my core, leaving me feeling exposed. I manage a shaky nod before hurrying past him.

“Later,” I call, waving behind me. He doesn’t respond, and I don’t look back. All the same, I feel his eyes burning a hole in my back as I prove myself a coward yet again.

twenty-one

Chris

I watch Percy fleeCasa Nostra in stunned silence. God, I feel like an idiot. When I’d first met him back in high school, he’d seemed almosttooperfect—a spoiled rich kid who had everything handed to him on a silver platter. But once I’d gotten to know him, I’d seen how he struggled with anxiety and his constant need to please everyone around him, particularly the people he loved. When I’d become one of those people, I’d felt cared for in a way I never had before. For the first time in my life, I had someone else who put my needs first.

Had I taken that kindness for granted?

Unease ripples through me as I shuffle back to our group’s table in a daze. How could I have been so oblivious to what Percy was going through with his mom? But of course, I already know the answer. I’d been so consumed by my own anger and hurt that I’d never stopped to wonder howhewas doing. It hadn’t even occurred to me that something other thanusmight havebeen behind his sudden communication blackout or the way he’d distanced himself from me.

Then another thought slams into me. Back then, I’d thought our decision to come out had been mutual. It was certainly something we’d discussed a lot—how much easier it would be if we didn’t have to hide anymore. How awesome it’d be to hold each other’s hands around campus or kiss each other hello. But now, I can’t help replaying those conversations. Had Percyreallybeen on board? Or had he gone along with it for my sake, once again putting my needs before his own?

My gut churns, and I fight down a wave of nausea. No wonder he’d pulled away when his mom got sick instead of turning to me for comfort. No wonder our relationship had disintegrated. I’d been nothing but a burden. I would have dumped my pathetic ass, too.

Part of me knows that’s not a fair assessment—we had our good times along with the bad, and while Percy’s mom getting sick might have been the catalyst that tore us apart, there must have already been cracks in the foundation given how quickly we’d crumbled. However, that doesn’t stop the self-loathing that grips me as I resume my seat, staring straight ahead and ignoring Quinn’s obvious attempts to snag my attention.

Dinner passes in a blur. I pick at my food, barely registering its taste and eating only enough that I won’t starve before morning. Quinn waits until we’re walking outside to confront me.

“All right, spill,” she demands, tugging me away from the rest of the group. “What the hell did you do to Percy?”

“Nothing.”

She gives me a disbelieving look. “Uh-huh. Then why did he run off before our food even arrived? He made even less of an effort to pretend he was enjoying himself than you did.”

I shove my hands into my pockets and scowl at the few people still out this late. “He needed some air.”

“Right. Because he was upset. Because youdidsomething.”

Fresh guilt worms its way into my psyche. “All we did was talk,” I say, a touch too defensively. “Athisrequest, I might add. It was some heavy shit from our past, and no, before you ask, I willnottell you what it was about.”