Page 71 of Breathing Under Water

“I wasn’t sure what to say.” He doesn’t put the airplane away, but he does stop spinning the wheels.

“Okay, we’re going to fix this right now. Let’s see your phone.”

Once he’s got his phone in his hands, the Matchbox plane does end up back in his pocket.

“Okay, write these words. ‘Hi, Tatiana. I’m sorry for the delayed response. I would love to go to Starbucks Friday. Count me in.’”

“But then I’ll have to go for coffee with her.”

“Yes, exactly. That’s the point, Leo. You have to actually go on the date to go on a date.”

“But what if she doesn’t like me?” he asks. “It’s fun thinking about going out with her, but once we actually go out, if it’s bad, then I won’t get to look forward to the idea of it anymore.”

“Okay, I get where you’re coming from, but this is life. Everyone has to deal with this kind of uncertainty sometimes. There are plenty of people we meet who don’t like us and won’t change their minds no matter what we do. You need to know that’s a fact of human existence, and it’s completely okay. When you don’t hit it off with a person, you have to just keep trying with the next person, and the one after that, and the one after that. Eventually you’ll find people who are the right match for you. You will. But the surest way to prevent yourself from finding those people is to give up before you’ve even given yourselves a chance to get along.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, and then his eyes go back to his phone. He starts typing, and then I hear the littlewhooshas he presses Send.

“I did it,” he says.

“Yeah, you did.” I pump a fist in the air because I know full well he wouldn’t return a high five.

“Now how about you respond to the drone-racing guy and tell him to find somebody else for his degenerate activities?”

Leo nods, and we work together on crafting the message. After he sends that one too, I let out a breath of relief. The lastthing I want to see is Leo getting involved with tech lowlifes and finding himself anywhere near real trouble. He’s way too good for that.

I pay the small check, and Leo and I head out to the street, where the sky has now darkened.

“Okay, kid,” I say. “Have a good night.”

“Okay,” he says, and I turn to walk back toward my car. After a beat, I realize Leo’s walking right behind me.

“Didn’t you say you parked your bike on Overton? That’s down the hill.” I point in the direction behind him.

“I’m not going home yet. I’m going with you.”

“With me?” I repeat as I stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “Why?”

“I want to see where you live to see what’s wrong with your dorm.”

A weight drops in my stomach. I don’t want to lie to the kid, and I know that once he gets focused on something, he fixates. I should have known he wouldn’t just drop it when I tried to redirect us earlier.

“It’s really not a good time for this, Leo.” I start walking again.

“Why not?” He’s huffing a little, trying to keep pace with me.

“Because it’s not, okay?” I don’t want the very last person who still respects me to know I’ve been living out of my car and sleeping in public spaces, to know how royally fucked up a situation I’ve managed to get into. But I know how he is once he gets stuck on a topic, and he’s not going to give it a rest until he gets to the bottom of this mystery.

“That’s not a reason,” he says, looking me right in the eye, and something about his gaze finally meeting mine, the quiet resolve of it, somehow breaks me.

“Okay, fine. Fine, you want to know where I live?” I ask as we approach my car. I unlock the doors and open up the trunk. “I live here.” I point at my two duffels full of clothing and towels in the trunk. “And I sleep there.” I motion to the backseat, where there are still a couple of messy blankets. “Or I sleep in a lounge in one of the dorms. I move around to wherever I can. Are you satisfied? Is this what you wanted to know?”

Leo’s looking at me with shock on his face, and I feel terrible that I’m upsetting him, but for some reason I can’t rein myself in.

“But why would you sleep in your car?”

“Because I don’t have a home, Leo. Because I lost my scholarship and I don’t have enough money to pay for housing if I also want to pay for my tuition and my grandmother’s medical care, which she needs a lot more than I need a comfortable bed.”

“But why would you choose going to school over having a place to live?”