Page 221 of Saving Forever with the Hockey Captain

“What have I done?”

The words come out as little more than a whisper. I already know the answer.

Exactly what I intended. Exactly what I had decided needed to be done.

I protected him.

At least...that's what I've been telling myself.

The memory of his face refuses to leave me. You don't get to decide what you are to me.

I close my eyes. "I know."

A tear slips free before I can stop it. Then another. I let them fall. There seems little point pretending otherwise when I'm alone.

For months I have watched Jamie fight his way back from believing his career was over.

I watched him learn to ask for help, learn to rest, learn that leadership didn't require carrying every burden alone.

Somewhere during all of that...

I forgot to notice what was happening to me.

Or maybe I noticed and simply hoped it would disappear.

It didn't.

Instead, I fell in love with my patient.

No. Not with my patient, with Jamie.

I press the heels of my hands against my eyes.

None of that was supposed to happen. None of it.

A soft knock interrupts my thoughts. This time it's Mrs. Alvarez.

She doesn't ask permission before stepping inside. She has worked in this clinic for nearly thirty years. She has probably seen every emotion recovery can create.

She studies my face only briefly. "You told him goodbye."

It's not a question. I nod.

"He wasn't ready, but…” I swallow hard. "I was."

Mrs. Alvarez smiles sadly. "No, sweetheart." She walks over and sits in the chair beside me. "I don't think you were."

Fresh tears blur my vision.

"I’m trying to do the right thing."

"I know."

"I thought if I stepped back now..." My voice breaks. "...it would hurt less later."

Mrs. Alvarez reaches over and gently covers my hand with hers. "And how's that working?"

I laugh through the tears. A tiny, broken sound. "Not very well."