Page 11 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

Quick as lightning, the Spinosaurus veered off course, and clamped its crocodilian jaws around the neck of the remaining triceratops blocking its way. With a sickening crunch, it snapped the dinosaur’s neck and flung the lifeless body aside.

Our triceratops reared up in panic as the Spinosaurus charged straight for us, its massive jaws open wide. Osid yanked on the reins, veering us out of the way just in time to avoid the same fate. Blood pumped in my ears as our triceratops wheeled around to face the Spinosaurus again. Osid let out a fierce war cry and urged our mount forward. The two massive beasts collided, all teeth and horns and primal madness.

The Spinosaurus snapped at us, its jagged teeth just missing my leg. I screamed and tried to pull myself higher on the saddle. At the last second, Osid yanked the reins, and the triceratops sidestepped, raking its horns across the larger dinosaur’s flank. Hissing in pain, the Spinosaurus whipped around, lashing out with its tail and catching the triceratops’s back leg. Our mount stumbled but quickly righted itself.

The two combatants circled each other, both keeping their distance. Suddenly the enemy charged again, but this time he feinted left before swinging right toward us. Osid tried to dodge, but the Spinosaurus bit down on the triceratops’s back leg, unbalancing us.

I was thrown from the saddle as the triceratops toppled over and tumbled into the dirt, barely missing being crushed by the bulk of our fallen mount. Chaos reigned around me—men and dinosaurs crashed together in a frenzy of violence. I shot to my feet and dove out of the way to avoid the slash of claws aimed at my face.

The Spinosaurus loomed over me, blocking out the sun. Its rider peered down and tilted his head as if he wasn’t sure what to make of me. The indecision didn’t last long. With a tap of his foot, his monster lunged, jaws gaping. A triceratops rammed into its side; its long horns missed skewering its neck by a hair.

Just then, Osid leapt from behind me and drove his spear deep into the monster’s flesh. Screaming in agony, it thrashed to dislodge its attacker. Osid held on tight, using the embedded spear like a climbing pick to pull himself up the dinosaur’s back.

I ran behind the fallen triceratops, dodging the tail of the rampaging Spinosaurus. Osid had reached the saddle straps now. With a few quick slashes, he cut through the leather bindings holding the saddle in place. The saddle slid, carrying its rider with it.

The enemy commander crashed to the ground with a heavy thud, his armor clattering loudly. His helmet had come off in the fall, and I could see real fear in his eyes as he looked up at Osid. He let out a pained groan as he struggled to push himself up, momentarily stunned.

Osid climbed higher until he could wrap his legs around the Spinosaurus’s neck. The beast let out a guttural roar, thrashing violently. When Osid raised his tail high above him, I saw the tip of it widen before a whistling sound filled the air. He placed both hands flat against the beast’s throat. Blinding white came from his hands, and then—boom. A muffled explosion from the Spinosaurus’s neck sent shockwaves rippling outward. The creature’s roar was cut short as its head jerked unnaturally to one side. Blood sprayed in a gruesome arc, and with a final, shuddering collapse, the Spinosaurus crumpled to the ground, lifeless.

Osid pulled his spear free and slid down from the monster’s back, landing lightly on his hooves. His tail swayed behind him, curling lazily as though the violent display had cost him no effort at all. From my hiding spot, I could see that he was smiling, and despite all the terror and blood I’d seen that day, the ruthlessness in his eyes scared me the most.

Around them, the sounds of battle faded away as both sides paused to watch their leaders. The enemy commander tried to crab walk away from Osid, but his legs were tangled in the saddle. He raised one hand in front of him pleadingly as he babbled words I could not understand.

Osid didn’t hesitate.

With a swift, brutal motion, he drove his spear down. The commander’s words were cut off with a wet gurgle, his body going limp. Osid yanked his spear free and gazed steadily around at the motionless warriors surrounding them.

For a moment, no one moved. The warriors continued casting uneasy glances at each other. Then, slowly, one by one, they began dropping their weapons to the ground. The clatter of steel rang out as spears and swords fell from hesitant hands. They knelt in submission before Osid, heads bowed low in deference.

A great cheer went up among Osid’s men, and their leader raised his bloodied spear high and let out a mighty roar that shook the pebbles at my feet. I felt the sound vibrate through my bones. He held out his hand, and a warrior approached to hand him a machete-like blade. With a quick slice, the commander’s head fell free of his body. Osid raised his prize high in the air to the sound of roaring applause.

He peered over to my hiding spot and beckoned me forward. I didn’t move, couldn’t have even if I wanted to. Not with my knees wobbling like Jell-O. Osid cocked his head, then looked to the beheaded corpse and back to me. With slow, easy strides, he came to kneel beside me and laid the commander’s head at my feet.

Its mouth sagged open as glassy eyes stared off into nothing. Blood pooled from the neck as the skin grew pallid and waxy before my eyes. Dark congealed blood matted greasy black hair to the sides of his face. Osid watched me expectantly, his voice booming with obvious pride as he edged the head closer to me. But all I focused on was the way the tongue lolled out, unmoored, yet still slightly warm with life, as if it might still speak or scream.

I swallowed thickly and lifted my gaze to the clearly mad alien. “I’m not gonna ruffle its hair, if that’s what you want. Thank you, I guess,” I said, offering a tight smile before backing up a smidge. “But you can go ahead and keep it. I have a weird thing about touching severed heads. Hygiene and all that.”

Past the jubilation unfolding around me, a new noise caught my attention. The heavy footfalls of large beasts approaching vibrated through the ground. A group of triceratop riders came over the hill. I tensed, gripping the gun in my pocket as the ground rumbled beneath the approaching beasts. Without any extra ammo, the five shots I had left in the revolver would have to be used sparingly. If I made a run for it before the new challengers could reach us, I might be able to get away with just shooting whoever came after me first.

To my surprise, Osid rose with a hearty laugh. He waved in greeting as the lead rider came into focus. I realized these were not enemies at all, but reinforcements. The newcomers cheered loudly as they saw Osid’s bloodied spear, raised high in victory.

Something about the leader of the new group ate at me. When he swung down from his triceratops and came to clasp Osid’s arm, the sun glinted off their armor, momentarily blinding me. I squinted against the glare, trying to make out his face. I gasped, immediately recognizing the lightning bolt horns of his silhouette.

“The assassin!”

Chapter 7

Osid

“What’s she doing?” Hakri asked.

We all watched Blair fling her arms around wildly before making a choking noise and falling to the ground.

“It must be a dramatic reenactment of our bravery in battle,” Kuzuu said, grinning with pride. The energetic warrior bounded over to us in tall strides and motioned for Blair to continue. “Hey, tell the constable how I sliced the head clean off a berserker with my sword!”

Blair rolled to her feet, grabbed a spear, and pretended to ram it into an invisible foe. Hakri gasped excitedly and said, “That must be the part where His Majesty took down that finback! That monster looked to be even bigger than a billjaw. If I didn’t see you take it down with my own eyes, I probably would have thought you were spinning tales.”

With a twist of her wrist, she gutted the imaginary foe, then pointed to Jivorn. The constable regarded her with a tight grin before asking, “And where did you pick up this…creature?”