Page 10 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

His lips curved in a half smile as he spoke, and I didn’t have to understand his words to know he was teasing me.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a real hoot. Now get off me,” I said, pushing against his chest.

He wrapped an arm possessively around my waist and guided me toward another mount. He flicked his wrist, and the rider immediately abandoned his seat and guided the triceratops to kneel.

Osid gave a gentle push to the small of my back, indicating I should climb up. I hesitated. I’d never even ridden a horse before, let alone a dinosaur twice that size. Unfortunately for me, my alien didn’t appear to be the patient type. He grabbed me by the waist and hauled me into the saddle, then took a seat behind me.

“I don’t suppose there’s any point in asking where we’re going?”

Osid eyed me with curiosity before giving a reassuring pat to my leg.

“Well, I guess that’s as good as I’m gonna get.”

The rider we pilfered this dino from joined Hakri on the triceratops that tried to eat my coat. Osid whistled, and the dinos began to march.

I wasn’t entirely sure I should be riding off into the sunset with a bunch of strange aliens, but what choice did I have? When you thought about it, it wasn’t even in the top five of terrible things that happened to me today. From the looks of things, Osid clearly called the shots with this group. So at the very least, I had their leader indebted to me. If aliens cared about things like debts. Then again, he did just save me from a triceratops. Shit, are we already even? I have no leverage now!

First I was nearly killed onstage, then I was abducted by aliens only to escape and crash-land in the middle of a freaking forest fire, and had to drag Osid’s big ass through the river just to escape, then a freaking dinosaur tries to eat my coat and attacks me, and now I had no goddamn leverage! It was too much. Today was too much. I wanted to go home and cry and sleep and eat french fries.

Tears welled up in my eyes. In a fight to keep them from spilling, I reached into my coat and took out one of the wraps from the sin tin of my coat pocket. I debated popping one of the acid squares on my tongue, but thought better of it. Probably best to save that trip for when I was in less dire straits. Or had just decided to give up completely. I searched my pants for the lighter and sighed with relief when it was still snugly in the front pocket. I pulled it out and went to light the wrap, only for the lighter to click uselessly again and again. “Oh come on.”

A few more pointless attempts had me growling in frustration. I pocketed the lighter and turned to the alien behind me. Holding up the wrap, I tapped his hands and made whooshing noises to indicate his fire.

Thankfully, he caught on fast. Osid shifted the reins to one hand and held up the palm of his other. He took a deep breath, and a small flame appeared from the teal dots in the center of his hand.

I lifted his wrist closer to my mouth and lit the wrap, savoring that first intake of beautifully calming weed. By the second inhale, the stress of the day left on the exhale, and I allowed myself to sag against his chest a little farther.

Osid took the joint for me, brought it to his lips and breathed deep. His face scrunched, and he blew out the smoke immediately. He eyed the joint, then mumbled something incoherent and tossed it on the ground. The triceratops parading behind us immediately trampled over it, crushing my weed and my faith in humanity.

“Who raised you? That was mine!”

Tucked snugly against his chest, I had a full view of the gold fangs that complemented his haughty grin as he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a long cigar wrapped in seaweed. He lit it and took a long drag before passing it to me.

“You know what? Hell yeah.” Whatever this alien ganja was, it was a lot smoother than the weed I was fussing over. I decided right then and there that despite all, I liked Osid. He knew what was up.

Chapter 6

Blair

I spoke too soon; Osid was a piece of shit, and I hated him. Mere hours I’d been on this damn planet, and I’d already been dragged into an all-out battle.

“Why the fuck did you bring me here?” I screamed, clinging to the saddle as Osid drove a spear into the neck of his adversary. Welding my eyes shut, I tried to hum the tune of my favorite song to drown out what was actually happening. If I focused hard enough, the clash of metal, stomping feet, and screams could almost be turned into the noise of a roaring crowd in a concert hall.

A fireball hit our triceratops in the side, causing it to spook and rear up on its hind legs. I lost my grip and half slipped off the creature’s back. Osid caught me by the belt of my jeans and tucked me back against him. Laughing wildly, he secured his long tail around my waist and returned fire, blasting the man who shot at us clear off the roof he was hiding on.

“You think this is funny?” I hissed back at him.

He yanked on the reins, causing the dino to veer left before it stomped down on a man trying to gut it. Bones cracked and the man fell still. Osid and his men were clearly outnumbered, but they had the advantage of their mounts, who were able to plow through the first line of defense like a bull in an antique shop.

A flaming arrow whizzed past my ear, singeing my hair. I yelped and patted my ’fro to make sure it hadn’t caught fire for the second time that day. Osid’s tail squeezed me tighter as he swung his spear in a wide arc, catching one of the raiders across the throat in a spray of crimson.

I clung tightly to Osid as our triceratops barreled through the enemy, its massive horns skewering anyone dumb enough not to dive out of the way. With a swing of its massive head, it impaled a dark-haired alien covered in tattoos. Gasping, the man desperately grabbed at the dino’s face, trying to push himself off the horn. The sight made me think of when I’d tried to fight that other dino for my jacket only hours before. My stomach churned, and I retched off the side of the saddle. It hit a charging raider square in the face, distracting him long enough for Osid to blast him into oblivion.

The triceratops swung free of the man on its horn and charged forward. Despite the carnage, Osid seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, laughing with wild abandon as he cut through men like butter.

His maniacal laughter was cut short as a thunderous roar echoed across the battlefield. All eyes turned toward the source—a hulking Spinosaurus bursting through the line of trees. It pounced on the nearest triceratops, knocking the massive beast on its side before ripping out its throat. On its back rode a massively built alien, his bare arms corded with muscle. His face was covered in a mask that looked like a mammoth’s skull. Twin tusks jutted out from the bottom while the alien’s own spiral horns arched over the top, giving him the image of an ominous spider.

The masked commander pointed his spear directly at Osid. With an ear-splitting shriek, the Spinosaurus charged forward, its huge claws tearing up clumps of earth. Two of Osid’s men tried to intercept, but the enemy swarmed like ants, taking one rider down off his mount while the second tried to carve through to get to us, its massive bulk smashing them into the dirt, but there were just too many.