Page 34 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

With an excited chirp, the doctor waved at the video of the women dancing and laughing, and it changed to a 3-D rendering of a tall black tower. “The Crucible is a series of trials meant to strengthen the bond between mated pairs. Each floor is set with a new challenge that the couple can work through to grow closer together.” She fluttered over to sit on my knee before she plucked the Tamagotchi from around my neck. “At present, your affection meter is that negative three. Which is clearly not ideal. We understand that you and your…” She trailed off, eyeing Osid with an unreadable expression. “…current partner are having a hard time adjusting to each other. But I guarantee, once you make it to the top floor of The Crucible and pass all of our trials, you two will be just as in love with each other as Subject 4 is with her mates.”

“And if we aren’t?”

The doctor deflated a little, then recovered easily enough. “In the unlikely chance that The Crucible fails, I will personally find out where B 94’s trail runs cold and pick up the chase myself.”

“Well,” I said, slapping my thighs. “That’s about as good as I think I’m going to get it, so fine. I’ll play along with your little tests. How bad can ten floors be?”

A voice came through the speaker on her desk. “Doctor, the Quorite is headed in your direction.” The doctor’s spine snapped straight. She shifted her wide eyes between the two of us and the door, then slammed her fist on one of the buttons lining the right side of her desk. “Right, well, no time like the present!”

Restraints coiled around my ankles and wrists before I was flung back into the flying chair. “Wait!” I screamed. Osid was trussed up in a similar fashion, while the doctor frantically crammed all her empty papers of lies into the drawer of her desk.

“Wait, I can just walk!”

Chapter 17

Blair

The first floor of The Crucible was designed to look like an upscale French restaurant. The crystal chandelier overhead was working overtime, casting prisms across the white linen and silverware, but the mood of our table? About as bright as a black hole.

Probably didn’t help that my date was still tied up in the seat across from me. I thought they’d release Osid once we were dismissed from our little therapy session, but apparently not.

Couples sat in perfect harmony at the other tables, their bodies frozen in midair. Some of them were human, while others were Sankado; all of them were smiling or laughing, yet it felt deeply unsettling, teetering on the edge of uncanny valley. Smooth, almost-too-perfect skin, eyes that glistened unnaturally with no light behind them, and expressions that felt rehearsed rather than genuine. Even their poses were stiff and practiced, like marionettes waiting for the puppet master to pull the string.

Then came the voice over the loudspeaker.

“Subjects 12 and S 52, welcome to The Crucible. You are now on Floor One, where your journey through the Biodiversity Conservation Initiative’s relationship-building simulator begins. Your first trial is designed to simulate the experience of a first date. Traditionally a social engagement between two individuals in which they explore each other’s personalities—”

“We know what a damn date is!” I snapped.

The voice paused briefly, and a whirring sound came through the speaker, as if it was fast-forwarding. “In this trial, your task is to engage in conversation, share experiences, and foster an emotional connection. The optimal conclusion to a first date is a kiss, which symbolizes mutual attraction and the potential for future romantic development. Completion of this task will allow you to proceed to the rest area before you begin the second trial on the next floor. You have two hours. Bon appétit.”

With a final chime, the voice cut off, and the couples around the room came to life. All of them chatting in hushed voices I couldn’t quite make out, like they were speaking from another room.

The bindings restraining Osid clicked and fell to the floor in a loud thud. Once freed, the unrestrained king shot up from the chair like his ass was on fire and immediately started tearing apart the makeshift restaurant, looking for a way out.

“Let me out of here now!” With a roar, he shot a blaze of fire at the locked door, causing it to go up in flames. Instead of the telltale smell of burnt wood and victory, his efforts were rewarded with the sight of a metal wall behind the door before tiny pixels repaired it back to its former state.

In a rage, he picked up a chair and threw it at another couple chatting amiably in a language I couldn’t understand. It struck a potbellied man in the head and knocked the skin clear off his face. What was left behind was a deeply unsettling-looking android with a bunch of tiny holes in his face like a wasp’s nest. More little nanobots shot out from those holes to repair the face back to the smiling man chatting with his date.

And I thought the uncanny valley look of their faces was bad enough. Nearly spitting up the water I managed to choke down, I turned to the king and asked, “Please never do that again. That was disgusting.”

“You!” I could feel the heat radiating off him when he stalked over to our table and hissed, “I will have you assassinated.”

“Mm-hmm. Sure.”

Osid invaded my space, towering over where I sat like he intended to eat me, bones and all. “You think I won’t after what you’ve done?”

Refusing to back down, I took his clenched fist and spread his fingers apart. I guided them around the skull tattoo on my neck. The heat of his palm licked my every breath.

I hated him. I wanted to fuck the shit out of him.

“Save us the trip and do it yourself.”

His fingers tightened, and I saw my own lust and loathing reflected back at me through his eyes. “I’d snap your neck if I could.”

“But”—I smiled, knocking his hand away—“we both know you can’t. So quit your hissy fit and sit down. We’re not getting out of here like that.” I gestured to his seat. “Tell me a story about your childhood or something, and I’ll pretend to listen. With any luck, the doors will open after a few minutes of small talk, and we can get out of this creepy restaurant.”

“We may not get out of here at all because of you,” he snarled. Yet still he pulled his chair closer to mine and sat like a good boy.