Page 35 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“All you had to do was release me before we were brought to this prison. Yet here we are!” He threw his arms out wide in mock disbelief. He stilled, resting his elbows on his thighs. Even when slouched, he was taller than me. The beautiful bastard. “Why? Why would you doom us to the hard way out?” He lifted a fist and knocked on his head. “Did you knock something loose when you fell from the sky?”

“Why what?” I crossed my arms over my chest and shrugged. “Why didn’t I free the psychopath who’s been chasing me through hell and high water and holding me as a political hostage the past week? Gee, I don’t know, it’s a real mystery.”

“I thought you were working with the general—”

“I’ve never seen that guy until you dragged me to him,” I yelled. Fury nearly choked me. “I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant this suspicion. I even tried to tell you about Jivorn’s assassination attempt, and you just patted my head like an idiot and went on like nothing happened.”

He gave me an incredulous look. “Jivorn is the grand chancellor, the most trusted advisor in the realm. He’s served loyally under my father and then me for nearly thirty years. He’d never betray me.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Oh, my mistake. It must have been another guy getting ready to plow a spear through your heart when I saw you in that fire.”

Osid shook his head slightly, disbelief still clear in his voice. “The smoke must have clouded your vision. That fire was caused by bloated buttons, and the only place those bombs grow that we know of is in Bloodcry territory. If anyone was trying to kill me, it must have been them.”

“Or he’s working with them. Look, man, I’m not going to pretend to know or care about the political machinations of this weird bootleg planet. Don’t want to believe me? Fine. Just stay away from me.”

He drew back as if I had lashed out at him. “I can’t leave you be, we’re bonded—”

“Don’t give me that crap, I refuse to be bonded to a guy who throws a net over me and drags me off like some caveman or pulls me into some crazy-ass battle where I almost get my head chopped off.”

“You were always under my protection—”

“And what wonderful treatment I’ve been given so far. A whole cage of my own with fresh hay and three square meals a day. You know what? The boomers were right, my generation is ungrateful.”

“I acknowledged you as my wife the moment I knew what you were. How was I to know a strange alien was my Zhali from another world?”

“I saved your life, you asshole!” I pulled the chain of my necklace free. “Stare deeply into this Tamagotchi of hate. What you see is what you made.”

The door to the kitchen glowed a deep blue before it dinged. A waiter walked through carrying a silver tray with two covered dishes on it. He strolled over to us with a friendly but empty smile on his face before setting each tray down on our table. With a bow, he walked back through the kitchen door. Osid tried to follow him through, but an unknown force shot him backward, and he went crashing to the ground.

I picked up the cover of my tray to see, to my utter fucking delight, lobster pasta with cherry tomatoes. Listen, alien abduction and questionable dating practices aside, I became a different type of bitch when faced with good food. A happy bitch, to be specific. I didn’t know what restaurant the AI looked at to get this level of creamy Tuscan-spiced euphoria, but my compliments to the fucking chef.

Of course, because men ruin everything, Osid picked up my plate and threw it so hard at one of the fake windows that the chandelier shook, damn near causing me to drop my fork.

Frustrated, I picked up a dinner roll from the center of the table and threw it at his head. “Boy, will you stop with that destructive shit? You’re scaring the hoes. The hoe is me!” I reached over and took his plate. “And I don’t need you getting your aggression on my plate.”

“Why are you acting like I’m the crazy one?” He ripped the fork from my hand. “Stop eating this crap, it’s probably poisoned.”

I snatched it back. “Why would they poison our first date if they want us to get along? What purpose would that serve?”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. “Are you this naïve? If I had my enemies trapped in a room like this, every last bit of food would be poisoned.”

I stabbed a bit of lobster with my fork and swirled noodles around it. “You’re forgetting that we’re not their enemies. We’re their test subjects. Having us drop dead on the floor doesn’t really bode well for their breeding program, now does it?”

“You act like that’s any better, besides it could still be poison. Don’t eat that!” Osid snatched the fork from my hand, threw it on the ground, then stomped on it.

I shook a finger at him. “Wasteful man.”

My chair screeched on the tile floor as I shoved it back and stood. Grabbing up my plate, I shot Osid the bird before moving to a separate table. I shoved the android out of the chair he was occupying and spun his date around so I didn’t have to look at his weird uncanny valley face.

Seemingly unfazed by his change in direction, the slim dark-haired man kept talking animatedly in that odd hushed tone. What was worse was that he looked to be a weird hybrid between a human and a Sankado. And if that was what our babies were gonna look like, with their weird eyes too far apart and horns that looked like overgrown flesh sprouts, then no thank you. This breeding program is doomed to fail.

Sliding into the chair, I commandeered another fork into a bite of broccoli, only to have a large hand pin my wrist to the table. More food was sacrificed to the floor.

I looked up at him, exasperated. “It’s like you want ants.”

“What if it’s an aphrodisiac?” he growled.

I twisted out of his hold and folded my hands together, set my elbows on the table, and looked up at him. “Hello, sir.”