Page 48 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

A stone settled in the pit of my stomach. “No,” I whispered.

For once, instead of being an impossible prick, Osid moved in front of me and knelt down.

I laughed. “You’re cute, but no. I’m too thick for that.”

The look he shot back at me could only be described as deeply offended. Without a word, the king shrugged off his cloak and threw it over me. The next thing I knew, I was slung over his shoulder.

He secured an arm around my legs and growled, “Don’t you ever.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, honestly impressed.

Halfway into town, my tummy started to hurt from constantly jabbing into his shoulder. I told him I wanted to switch to riding on his back, but he said that ship had sailed. Which led to a dreadfully romantic princess carry. It was then, when I was wrapped snugly in the strong, firm arms of my alien nemesis, that the Tamagotchi decided to make itself known.

The song blared loud and clear in the frosty air, only interrupted by the sound of Osid’s hooves crunching in the snow. Heat flamed my face. I chanced a glance up at the king to find his eyes locked ahead. A firm expression plastered on his face. The corner of his mouth twitched.

I narrowed my eyes. “Not. A. Word.”

He barked out a laugh.

“This is so unfair. Why don’t you have a Tamagotchi?”

“I’m not the obstinate one, remember? I’ve already accepted you as my bride.”

“Accepting someone as your bride isn’t the same as loving them. Their whole spiel is that they want these pairs to last with a love bond. Which makes no sense, mind you, as I could easily be a single mother in my little beach house on my own.”

The arms around me tightened. “On your own? Not happening.”

“That’s still not up to you, Your Majesty,” I drawled.

He let out another laugh, darker this time. “You think I’d get you with child, my child, the next ruler of the Dulba Empire and let you…what? Perish from unspeakable horrors as soon as I left? Fat chance. Get used to me, Wicked Thing, I’m not going anywhere.”

“What unspeakable horrors? They said they’d put it next to the female enclosure, which is apparently on a little safe island all on its own. Me and Jr. will be fine.”

“I know you will be,” he said smoothly. “Because I’ll be there protecting you.”

“You’ve got a kingdom to run. I’ve got it covered. If it means that much to ya, we can work out some kind of visitation. Maybe once a month.” I could handle a man in my space for that long. Preferably not this one, but if I still got the benefits of being queen, assuming being queen of an alien kingdom had benefits, then I could suffer through a joint custody situation.

He snorted. “You speak as if a little chill didn’t send you running into my arms after all your bluster. I’m half tempted to take you up on your offer just to see how long you last on your own.”

“Hey, I’ve been taking care of myself just fine before you showed up, what do you know?”

“More than you,” he shot back, amused. “What are you going to do when a pack of raptors catches a whiff and surrounds your little beach house?”

“How big’a raptors we talking?”

He stopped and shifted me to one arm and placed his free hand about two feet off the ground.

I scoffed. “That’s smaller than a dog, I’ll just kick it away.”

“And when there’s twenty of them?”

“…I’ll go inside and lock the door. It’s not rocket science.”

He stared at me for a moment before hauling me over his shoulder and marching off. “Less than a day.”

Osid set me down once we reached the quaint little town nestled in the valley of snow. Everything from storefront to lamppost was decked out in strings of holly and twinkling lights. There was an eerie, disjointed jingle coming through false rock speakers scattered throughout the town square. Flying reindeer paraded around the sky like they were this town’s terrifying version of pigeons. The AI lost the plot a little bit when it came to the winged ice angels duking it out in the fountain while wielding oversized candy canes, but it added an air of gravitas to an otherwise pretty standard Christmas town, so I enjoyed it.

I snatched a lantern hanging next to a windowsill and pressed my hands against the glass sides. Its warmth spread into my frozen fingers, and I squeezed it tightly to my chest. “Sweet, beautiful fire!”