Page 49 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

The townsfolk were the same kind of odd looking androids we saw on our first date, but something was a bit different. They moved around with nervous, jerky energy, and a lot of their actions looked repetitive if I looked too close. A woman in a bright-yellow coat waved to nobody in particular, her hand glitching in and out. A gaggle of children patted snow against the base of the snowman, their laughter looping every few seconds, which would’ve been odd enough, but the fact that their faces were unnervingly blank sent a chill through my spine. Some residents were more frantic, aimlessly darting around and speaking in that nonsensical chatter. A baker held the tray of gingerbread cookies out to a businessman, his gibberish almost pleading. But the would-be patron only fell to his knees and started sobbing.

“What in the glitching sim characters…” I trailed off, finally noticing the lack of detail in their faces compared to the android from before. Flat eyes, stiff smiles, and poorly textured clothing. “Where did the budget for this room go?”

“They do seem to be acting a little strange,” the king said.

“A little strange?” I looked at him incredulously, then pointed to a dog reared up, its hind legs surrounded by bowing children. “Those kids formed some sort of corgi cult. This is beyond a little strange.”

A clear voice cut through the garbled noise. “You there! Stranger!” An old man dressed in a well-tailored suit and top hat with glittering tinsel and a sash that read “Mayor” waved over at us from next to a gargantuan Christmas tree. His face held the same flat features as the others, but his beard, that luscious flowing beard, probably ate up a good 20 percent of the budget of this room.

He stroked a nervous hand down the luxurious mane. “Please, come here!” He waved. We had only just begun walking toward him when he broke out in a half run to close the distance even faster, his expression a blend of panic and desperation. “Thank the stars above, our prayers are answered. You must help us!”

“Yeah, yeah.” I sighed. “We know, look, let’s skip the whole dire citizen monologue. How do we find your star of Christmas to fix your tree or whatever?”

The mayor shook his head violently. “Not the star,” he cried. “We have the star! It’s the nose we’re missing.”

“The nose?”

“The nose!”

“…You lost me.”

“The nose is the light of Christmas,” the mayor said, his voice dripping with despair. “Without the nose, Rudolph won’t be able to fly up and place the star on the tree.”

Just then, the saddest no-nose-having reindeer walked out from behind the tree. It neighed pitifully and slumped to the ground in utter defeat.

To my surprise, I felt Osid shiver beside me. The proud king actually looked a little disturbed. He took a step back and kept his eyes locked on Rudolph. “What kind of monster goes after a single body part? This task will be more dangerous than we thought.”

I swatted his shoulder. “Oh, don’t freak out on me now. It’s just a simulation, that’s not even a real reindeer.” Turning back to the mayor, I asked, “So, who’s the thief and where do we find them?”

“An evil spirit, the dreaded Krampus, stole Rudolph’s nose. The light of Christmas is lost, and we can’t hold our celebration. The people of this town rely on Rudolph’s light. Without it, we’re starting to fall apart.” He gestured around us, and I noticed how ragged the townsfolk looked. Some of them even hammed it up and began sobbing quietly, their clothes literally becoming tattered the more I looked at them. Others slumped against the nearest surface, lamenting their despair in their weird little garble speak. “He keeps the light to himself at his home under Sugarplum Bridge.”

I stuck a hand on my hip and shifted my weight to one side. “Got it. Kill Krampus, get the nose, save the transaction of Christmas. Anything else?”

The mayor shook his head.

“What is a Krampus?” the king asked warily.

“It’s, uh…well, come to think of it, he looks a lot like you but with a long beard and a love for beating naughty people with a switch.”

His brow lifted. “You have Sankado on your planet? I assumed your species’ males would also be human.”

“They are. Krampus isn’t a Sankado. He’s not actually real, either way. He’s like a…storybook character with goat horns and a penchant for stuffing kids in sacks. Apparently in this world, he steals the noses off innocent simulated reindeer. Anyway, at the end of the day, he’s still just a man. So let’s stab him or whatever and get this over with. I’m already sick of the cold.”

“Jumping straight into assassination, then? I knew I liked you.”

“Of course you like me, I’m a fresh breeze on a summer day. It’s your unlovable ass that we need to work on.”

“I see the warmth of the lantern has made you bold. Wasn’t I ‘husband dearest’ a few moments ago?”

“Times change, Your Majesty.”

“Is that right?” The king reached for the lantern, opened the little door on the side and doused the flame between his thumb and forefinger, a cruel smile playing on his lips.

I gasped. “A plague upon your house.”

He smirked. “Our house.”

The mayor’s expression went blank, and he dropped his arms to his sides as he grew very still. His mouth fell open, but it was the speaker’s voice that rang from his mouth. “Emotional dissonance detected.”