Page 50 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“Shit.”

The ground rumbled beneath us.

“Oh come on, he was just teasing!” I slapped Osid’s shoulder frantically and held up the lantern. “Light the candle, light the candle, light the candle!”

He took it from me and breathed fire onto the wick until it lit once more. Shoving the lantern back in my hands, he came to stand behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “See, we’re still getting along. No need to—”

“Adjusting difficulty level to encourage bonding under duress. Increasing Krampus threat.”

“No!” I shouted, passing off the lantern to Osid. I grabbed the mayor by his shoulders and shook him. “Take it back! Don’t you dare make this any harder!”

The mayor blinked. “Understood: Increase difficulty to Dare level. Configuring adjustments.”

“No! No, dammit, turn off!” I punched the mayor, trying to shut him up. I felt a crack against my fist as his nose broke. His arms remained flat at his sides as he fell backward into the snow.

“Error! Error! Adjusting difficulty.”

“No! Osid, help me out here!”

Tossing the lantern to the side, Osid ran up beside me and slammed his hoof down on the mayor’s face, crushing it. The error message faded off into a blurred lull before the voice fell silent.

Cautiously, I glanced around to find that the rumbling had stopped. “Do you think we fixed it?” I asked.

The creepy Christmas jingle stopped, and the announcer’s voice came in from every speaker in the town. “Command received, Kaiju-level difficulty accepted.”

With a deafening crack, the cobblestone ground beneath my feet split open, sending showers of snow and rubble into the air. The townsfolk screamed, scattering in every direction, some of their bodies clipping through the scenery like the simulation itself was struggling to contain the hell it just wrought.

A low groan drew my attention east just in time to see the candy cane railings of Sugarplum Bridge snap and crumple like toothpicks. A massive clawed hand—each digit tipped with curling, blood-colored talons—burst into view. The hand slammed into the ground and gored the land with deep grooves as it tried to drag the rest of its huge body from the river. Slowly, impossibly, the rest of the creature followed, an enormous horned figure that stretched higher and higher until its head eclipsed the simulated sun.

Kaiju Krampus.

His fur was the color of pine bark, and his massive horns curled up to the heavens, scraping against the invisible barrier of the simulation like the personification of Christmas misery. Globs of drool hung from a gaping maw filled with jagged icicle-like teeth. His glowing red eyes burned in righteous fury. Around his neck was a necklace woven of twisted branches and sleigh bells that jingled with every movement. In the center of the necklace was a shining red light. Rudolph’s nose, I realized.

Osid froze at my side. “That…is not a Sankado.”

Krampus reared back and let out an ear-piercing roar, his voice distorted with static.

“…Nope.”

Chapter 23

Blair

One thing about me, I would never turn my nose up at a strategic retreat. Giant Krampus showed up and started rampaging through town? I was gone. Gone like the wind. Or to be more specific, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off until I found a brick house strong enough to withstand the icicle assault. To the simulation’s credit, it was an adorable little cottage, complete with a stone fireplace and cozy woodwork throughout. It would be much cozier without the destructive kaiju raining hell outside, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

Right when I managed to get a decent fire going in the hearth, the front door slammed open. I turned to find Osid looming in the doorway. A mask of anger clouded his strong features. His hooves clacked on the wood floor as he stepped inside and slammed the door shut behind him. “You left me.”

I pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and slumped in it, body already tired from hauling ass to get away. “Did you miss the giant monster that popped up out of the river? I wasn’t exactly gonna stick around for that.”

He stormed over and slammed his hands on the table. “Of course I didn’t miss the giant monster, but when I turned around to find you, you vanished!”

I shrugged. “I see danger, I run. That’s the normal response, Osid.”

“The normal response should not be to leave your comrades to die.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Are you actually getting mad at me for this?”

He mirrored my posture and shot back, “I’m not getting mad, I am mad. You just ran off—”