Page 52 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“Who were they actually after, Osid?” I looked around us. “Is it me, the stranger no one’s seen before, or you, the king whose own damn advisor is trying to kill him?”

Scalding heat rushed off him in waves. “Jivorn has no way of getting bloated buttons that far south. Whatever you saw in that smoke couldn’t have been him.”

“AHHHRG!” I grabbed fistfuls of my ’fro and turned away from him. “Oh, I can’t stand your stubborn ass.”

“I could say the same to you,” he shot back.

I whirled back around to face him, poked him in the chest and said, “Well, go ahead and say it, then, cause I’ma tell you right now, you ain’t seen petty yet. I’ve been content to root for your downfall, but now I’m about to be an active participant.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Now? Just now you’re going to try and sabotage me? Was getting us trapped in here just your people’s weird idea of flirting? Every time I’ve tried to talk with you or have any kind of back-and-forth, you shut me down.”

I felt pressure building behind my eyes and in my chest; the unavoidable migraine caused by his audacity was going to be one for the ages, I could feel it. “You haven’t gone back and forth about shit! It’s been your way or the highway this whole damn time. You don’t get to talk down to me like I’m the only unreasonable party here when you barely listen to a word I’ve said. But I’m warning you, you wanna keep going low, I’m on the floor!”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You want a war of attrition? I’ll salt the fields. That’s all you know how to do, huh? Just a salty wretch. That’s the only response you have.”

I stuck a hand on my hip. “Of course this is not the only response I have. I also know how to run when a damn—”

He grabbed me by the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and growled. “Finish that sentence.”

I looked deep into those rage-filled teal eyes and smiled. “Hey Osid.”

“Keep running your mouth.”

The snicker I choked back sounded like a cross between a snort and a hamster’s squeal. “Hey—”

His grip on the front of my shirt tightened. “Say another word and I’ll—I’ll throw you in the snow.”

“Hehehe, hey Osid.”

“I—ooo—by all the gods, I—” A harsh, exasperated puff of air escaped his lips. Heat smothered the room until sweat beaded on my forehead. The charcoal gray of his skin flushed an emerald hue that had no business looking as pretty as it did.

“I will launch you—oohh—”

His lack of ability to even form a proper sentence made me laugh. Which of course only pissed him off more. “Hey Os—”

He sucked in a breath, then let it out in a low, seething hiss. “I’ll bury you so deep in the cold.”

I laughed so hard tears pricked my eyes. “Hey Osid.”

He didn’t even need both hands to snatch me up off the ground. Just hoisted me up and swung open the door. Giggling, I grabbed onto his face and said, “Hey Osid, when you see a monster, don’t climb into its sack, you overzealous, baitable idiot.”

Osid launched me through the air. I landed with a magnificent whumpf that robbed the air from my lungs and sent a plume of powdery snow sparkling into the simulated sunlight.

The shock of the cold hit me like a brick, and for a moment I just lay there laughing so hard I was half worried I was gonna pee. A single, perfect snowflake landed on my nose, only to be knocked off when the ground shook. In the distance, I could hear Kaiju Krampus stomping toward us. The last remaining functional part of my brain knew I should get up and run back inside. Instead, I crossed my legs and just wheeze-laughed so hard my sides hurt. I tilted my head to see that man still seething in the doorway.

“Running an empire is less stressful than dealing with you!”

I chucked a snowball at him, hitting the alien square in the chest. The reaction was like watching a rubber band snap. Osid leapt on top of me and shoveled snow down my shirt.

Shrieking, I swatted at his chest and tried kicking away. “Stop it! Don’t you hear the damn kaiju coming?”

His only response was to pin my hands above my head and stuff a snowball against my neck. I shirked away from it and slipped my wrists free, only to be pinned by his tail as he tore at the laces of my boots.

“You bastard!” I screamed, trying to roll over and claw my way to freedom. “Not the feet!”

“You brought this on yourself.” The evil alien slipped my boot off and tossed it to the side. Then cast a sinister glance back at me as he scooped up a handful of snow.

“Emotional dissonance!” I screamed. Half begging the freaking loudspeaker to be useful for once. Every day on this damn planet I was fighting for my life. “Emotional dissoa-AAUUUHHH!”