Page 66 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

The doctor stopped mid-sentence. “Did you hear that?”

I held my breath as the doctor’s clawed feet clicked against the floor, each one coming closer. The second voice spoke again, but I couldn’t concentrate on what it said. My heart was pounding too hard. I needed to get out of there, and fast.

I crept away as quietly as I could, but I tripped over my own loose boot laces and fell to the floor.

“There!” the doctor called.

I ran, but the doctor was faster. I only made it a few steps before I felt a sharp sting in my neck. The world blurred, and my knees buckled. The last thing I heard before everything went black was the doctor saying, “It’ll be morning soon. Let’s set her up for the next challenge.”

Chapter 27

Osid

My vision swam as Blair’s voice crackled somewhere near me. What happened after the Biwban snatched me from Blair’s arms? Just before I could feel her lips on mine. The Biwban would pay for this indiscretion with their lives.

“Osid? Osid, focus up, you hoofed bastard! I’m kind of in a situation here!”

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to will the dizziness to fade. Struggling to my hooves, I noticed her voice was coming from a strange feather tied to my forearm. Around me, humans bustled in every direction, dragging wheeled cases behind them, their voices a meaningless buzz as they zipped around the strange, overly bright room. The air smelled stale and artificial.

“Blair,” I called. “What’s going on, where are you?”

“Strapped to a fucking chair on this godforsaken airplane. Come get me!” Her voice was high-pitched with rage. Beneath it was the tremor of fear as clear as day, and the sound of it set my blood on fire. If they had hurt her in my absence…

A voice came over the loudspeaker.

“Subjects 12 and S 52, welcome to Floor Five of The Crucible. Now that your affection meter has risen, we will move on to another form of human bonding called ‘pining,’ where humans long for the return of the person or persons they hold dearest.

“To that end, you will be separated for most of this challenge. We have simulated a popular human mating ritual called the Airport Chase. To win this challenge, Subject S 52 will need to navigate through the airport to reach Subject 12’s plane before takeoff. Normally in these situations, if the male cannot reach the female in time for her plane to take off, they are separated by long distances and may never see each other again. To maximize the success of this project, we have taken the liberty of upping the ante. Instead of the plane taking off, we have strapped a bomb to the engine. Should you fail to reach your mate in time, you will never see her again, as she will be dead.”

“What?!” Blair and I roared in unison.

Blair’s voice came out in a terrified shriek. “Did they just say bomb? Weren’t they not supposed to kill me because I’m too expensive? What the fuck?!”

“Under normal circumstances, yes. The total cost of a human subject is 6,783,210 credits. Just the thirty specimens we obtained consumed over 40 percent of this year’s budget.”

“And how much of that budget did the director squander?” Blair snarled.

“I’m afraid I am unaware of any squandered funds. What I do have is a projection of your future expenses. Before your arrival, Subject S 52 was already considered a high-risk individual due to his long history of violence against both the BCI and the other species on this planet. Due to the loss in equipment, personnel, and other subjects, Subject S 52 has a higher operating expense than most other Sankado. We expected those numbers to rise if he obtained a female to protect. What we did not expect was for his female to be even more destructive.”

I didn’t need to see her face to know the venomous glare she threw to the announcer. “You are so full of shit! This guy literally leads armies to battle. How am I more destructive than him?”

“At present, the damage you have caused totals around 26,300 credits.”

“Damage? What damage?”

“One deceased Titanoboa, two Hatzegopteryx, four personnel injuries, Parasaurolophus remediation expenses, and finally, the recurring repair costs to The Crucible. Given the risk profile of both you and your mate and potential for enclosure damage, the annual risk-adjusted allocation you would need far exceeds budget expectations. But fear not. Above all else, we here at the BCI are committed to as many successful pairings as possible for the future success of the Sankado species. While you may have had a terrible start with your love match, your pairing still scored the highest in our entire matchmaking database at 99.73! While all us carbon life-forms are fallible, numbers are not. Both humans and Sankado have been proven to form deep pair-bonds after experiencing what you would call a ‘near-death experience.’ This is due to your brain flooding with chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin when it thinks it may die. Hence the bomb.”

“This is bullshit!” Blair howled. “How can you just decide to potentially kill us off like that?”

“I just told you.”

My tail lashed, smoke billowing from the tip. Snarling at the loudspeaker, I vowed, “When I get my hands on you, I will shove each of your feathers down your beak until your stomach explodes.”

“We understand your frustration, Subjects 12 and S 52, please understand that all we do is for the sake of the Sankado species and to further scientific advancement. The experiments we test here will go on to help future couples maximize success. While we try to avoid the deaths of our subjects, sacrifices must be made for the greater good. You have approximately one Earth hour. Begin.”

“What the fuck?” Blair screeched through the feather’s speaker. “Shit, shit, shit, fuck, what the fuck do we do?!”

I held the feather closer to my mouth and tried to keep my voice calm. “Wicked Thing, listen to me. I need you to look around and tell me anything that could give me your location. Stay calm and look around, can you do that for me?”