Page 80 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“The little bird creatures that captured us.”

Her eyes widened along with what I think was a smile. “Ah, the juicy feathered snacks. Yes,” she purred. “Yes, I enjoy eating those very much. So much so that in my greed, I failed to realize how intelligent they are.” She shook her head as if she’d just swallowed something bad. “To think I could be captured by something so disgustingly weak.”

“I know the feeling,” I murmured.

She straightened at that. “Yes, I suppose you do. Hmm, now this is a choice. I owe the little birds payback for what they’ve done to me, but to balk at such an easy meal…”

I bristled. “Hey, don’t think you can snap me up like a Happy Meal just because I’m smaller than you. I’ve taken down beasts even bigger than you, three at once, in fact!”

The T. rex let out a low rumble, a raspy sound that came deep from her throat. “Three at once, she says. Now that is quite a feat. Tell me, little one. How did you manage that?”

Fuck. In reality, I really only shot one of those pterodactyls. The giant snake and the other one were more happy accidents than anything. How would I even explain the concept of a gun to a creature that only recently gained sapience?

“Fang fish got your tongue?” she prompted.

“Blair!” Osid roared. We both turned toward the sound of an explosion. Smoke rose from somewhere in the center of the maze. “Answer me, you venomous creature!”

Fuck, he has good timing.

A smile spread across my face when I noticed the T. rex eyeing me up. “Yeah, that’s right, I’m venomous. Just last week, a giant snake and two pterodactyls tried to eat me.” I inspected my red nails, feigning nonchalance. “All it took was one scratch and they dropped like flies.”

“That was you?” she asked, voice raising. “My young and I feasted on those corpses for days. I wondered what sort of beast could cause that carnage.”

“Looks like you found her,” I said, resting a hand on my hip. “And unless you want to end up like them, I suggest you consider the alliance I’m offering you.”

The T. rex threw back her head with a laugh. “Ha! First she begs for death, and then she threatens it. Marvelous. Truly marvelous.” The T. rex shifted her weight to one side and bent down to offer her neck. “Well?”

Lead swallowed my legs, but I pushed down the instinct to bolt and closed the distance between us. I reached for the clasp of her collar and squeezed the buttons on the sides. With a click, it slid off her neck and tumbled to the ground. I stepped back and dusted off my hands.

As I did, I noticed a muscle move in the T. rex’s jaw, and her eyes locked on to the meat of my thigh. There was a pause, then she lifted to her full height and grinned down at me. “I like you, little one. You’ve got guts. And fat, blood, bones full of”—her pupils dilated—“succulent…marrow.” Drool threatened to spill down her maw like a leaking faucet. “Oh, I could just bite you in half.”

Needles rose under my skin.

“But not today,” she lamented, turning her head away.

I let go of the breath I was holding and damn near fell to my knees in relief. “Well, if things go according to plan, you’ll have your fill of Biwban soon enough.”

She looked off into the distance, her voice wistful as she said, “If only we were back in the grove, it would be a feast for the ages.”

“Does the location affect the taste?” I asked.

She chortled at that. “No, beehives. Dip the little birds in honey and you’re in for a treat.”

I let out a very ladylike snort. “Okay, Miss Ina Garten, I see you.”

Osid burst from around the corner; fire roared from his hands before he shoved me behind him to face off against the T. rex. He thrust his palm out to unleash his flames on the beast’s face, only to shoot wide when I grabbed his wrist and pulled. He looked over his shoulder at me, wide-eyed.

“It’s cool,” I said, releasing his wrist. “She agreed to work with us.”

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it. I stepped in between the two for proper introductions. “Osid, this is…” I paused, then turned to ask the T. rex, “What did you say your name was?”

“Hmm. Bold of you to ask such a private thing.”

My brow furrowed. “How is your name private? How am I supposed to address you?”

She hissed, clearly finding the question distasteful. “Names are for mates and offspring. Though I suppose I’ll make an exception until we break free from this place.” I waited patiently for her to continue, but instead of speaking, she raised her snout to the ceiling. After a brief pause, she asked, “Well, have you memorized it?”

“Memorized what?” I asked.