Page 81 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

The T. rex slammed her tail on the ground. “My name, morsel! I don’t intend to keep offering my neck forever. Hurry up!”

Osid put a hand to my shoulder. “I believe she is referring to the pattern on her throat.”

I looked again and noticed a yellow patch that spanned her trachea. “Right…I’m just gonna call you Sunbeam.”

She lowered her head with a derisive snort.

I introduced them quickly and informed the T. rex that Osid was part of the “no eating” deal.

“So noted,” said Sunbeam.

The maze shuddered.

The speakers crackled.

“Yes!” Misty roared so loud it startled me, and I turned to see the stammering bookworm had vanished into what I could only describe as a cartoonishly proud villain during their evil monologue. “Your base twelve system is shit! How you idiots figured out space travel with an architecture that grows like mold is a miracle. I’ve met rocks with better fault tolerance, and you try to stop me with this garbage? This drivel?! The INSOLENCE! Choke on this, BITCH!”

A familiar electronic drum riff sounded off from nowhere before every speaker blared—

“Never gonna give you up—”

The hedges flushed from lush green to scattered pixels; an amalgamation of human and reindeer body parts replaced the statue of the chalice lady before it glitched back to normal; stars warped from different parts of the night sky in tune with the song.

“Now’s your chance,” Misty called. “Blair, from where you are now, turn to your right and all of you run in that direction. Hurry, before the system resets itself!”

I didn’t think, just grabbed Osid’s hand and ran blindly as the simulation continued to glitch out. A shadow passed over. I let out a small shriek and ran faster at the sight of Sunbeam running behind us.

The simulation faded into nothing around us as the song reached its final chorus. Sunbeam smashed through the metal double doors with a swing of her bone-crushing tail. Where a pair of familiar tritos Biwban were manning the control panel.

I grinned. “Pebble, Marble, so good to see you again.”

Their dark feathers fell flat against their bodies. Pebble cast a worried glance at Marble before their wing slid lower on the console.

A fireball singed the wing’s tip, causing Pebble to reel back with a lurch. Osid stepped calmly into the room and addressed them. “You touch any of those buttons without my say-so, and I’ll cook you alive and feed you to our new companion.”

“Yes.” Sunbeam lowered her body to get a better look at the two of them. “Give me the plump one. We don’t need both to show us the way.”

Marble tensed. Beside them, Pebble lifted their wings up in submission. “Subject—”

Marble interrupted them with a slap. “The name,” they whispered. “Use the name.”

“Save your pleas and get up,” Osid demanded. When the two stood, he continued. “We’re leaving, and you two are leading the way. If I suspect either of you of trying something stupid, you will be consumed. Move,” he barked.

The Biwban dutifully marched toward the door. Sunbeam cleared her throat. I looked back to finally realize that there was no way her big ass was fitting through those doors. Let alone the even skinner staircases we’d been using to change floors.

I turned to Pebble and asked, “How did you get the T. rex in here?”

They opened their beak, but Marble slapped them again. Without a word, Osid picked Marble up and threw them into Sunbeam’s waiting jaws. The Biwban vanished in two bites. Osid stroked his chin and looked down at me. “She was right, we only need one.”

Pebble watched it all stone-still. Sunbeam dipped her head to lap up the blood pooled on the floor and purred, “Now that’s a treat.” She locked eyes with Pebble, still frozen in place. “You taste different from the smaller Biwban. More tart than sweet. I like it.”

There was a pregnant silence. Then Pebble clapped their wings together and said, “I don’t get paid enough for this. We used the service elevator. This way, follow me.”

Chapter 30

Osid

As expected, Pebble abandoned us shortly after we exited the service elevator on the first floor. The courtyard outside was a burning mass of chaos: Biwbanian guards flew around on their hover scooters, their wings a blur of colorful feathers flipping to and fro as they tried to give orders to one another. Many of them were armed with their shock sticks, while others blasted beams of light from ray guns. I had felt the sting from those weapons before, and it was enough to leave a grown man sobbing in a heap on the floor.