Page 94 of Xavier

“I… I don’t…”

“You don’t have to say anything. That look in his eyes right now? I’ve seen it before. And I don’t mean when he was happy that summer. I mean the fear. I’ve seen that in his eyes before, just before he left me a note and disappeared off to New York. To find you. And finally, after all these years, he’s found you.” She takes a deep breath. “Well, that’s too bad.” She clicks her tongue and finally breaks the eye contact.

“I… didn’t come looking for him.” I don’t know why I say that.

She turns back to me, “That’s the only right thing you’ve done. If his life has been any good it’s been achieved despite you. He is who he is now because of his brain, his ambition, his dedication. Because of Kaine.”

“I- I know. He’s done great. He’s… an amazing man. He works very hard.”

“No thanks to you, dear girl. After you left him, he was nothing. All he wanted, cared about, was finding you. And when he couldn’t, he was trying to get himself killed. He’s been doing that ever since. Still. He works hard? Don’t think he’s being a hero. He’s just trying to find an excuse to work himself to an early grave. All because of you. I could’ve told him that love was never going to bring anything but heartache. But he’s too much like me to have listened anyway.”

I can barely process the words I’m hearing. “He almost… died?”

"In some way or another, he's been trying to die since you left. At first it was roaming the streets looking for you. Then it was the fighting. Now it's working until his body has no choice but to give out. He's too proud to ever take his own life, or maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it. But my sweet, beautiful Xavier. He always felt everything so strongly. I should've known it would be his downfall. And now that he's made some money, taken care of me, his brothers, he doesn't think he has a reason to live. That left when you did."

She shakes her head again and stares out the window.

I can’t believe what I’ve heard.

Again.

From his best friend and now his mother.

Xavier. Oh, Xavier, what did I do to you?

I can’t breathe. I need to air. I need to get out of here.

“I’m… I have to go. Please tell, Xavier,” I say.

“Go. Don’t worry about Xavier. He’s used to you leaving,” she says, twisting the knife, and I almost retch at the bitterness in her voice.

My head is spinning and I can barely walk as I stumble down the strange hallway, bumping into Xavier as I go.

“I… I have to go,” I stutter, trying to feel my way along the way.

“Malynda! Where are you going?” he says, covering the mouthpiece on his phone.

“Just… I have to go…” I say, throwing the door open and flinging my way out of the airless apartment.

All this time, I had thought that I was the one who’s suffered more. Having to give him up, give up my own identity. I thought there couldn’t have been anything worse. Sure, I knew he would’ve missed me, but I never thought… I thought I’d done the right thing. I really did think he would eventually move on. I had hoped.

“Malynda!” I hear him come running after me. I can’t wait for the elevator so I race for the stairs, running down them, my face drenched with tears. Tears for him. For my Xavier. For the sweet boy I kissed by the lake, who gave me his heart. And for the man who still holds mine. Who I hurt. Who I almost killed.

“Don’t follow me!” I yell over my shoulder, as I turn to see him almost catch up to me.

“Where are you going? What’s wrong?” he gasps.

I reach the bottom of the stairs and he jumps the last few steps and grabs me around the waist, spinning me around to face him.

“Malynda! What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry! Oh my god, Xavier! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” I sob, barely able to recognize his features through the blur of the downpour of saltwater from my eyes.

“What are you talking about? Tell me!” he says, shaking me, panicked.

“I’m so sorry I left. I should never have left Maine. I should’ve stayed… forever!”

“What are you saying?”