Page 67 of Be More Capybara

‘We’ll find a zookeeper.’

‘I haven’t got time for that. Look, it’s ringing.’ Helen peered through the chicken wire. ‘And it’s the fitter. He ignores me all morning, and now he phones me back.’

‘I’ll do it. I’ve got longer legs than you. It’ll be easier.’

‘You’ll be breaking several rules.’

‘Do you want me to get your phone back or not?’

‘Yes, please.’

Against his better judgment, Nigel put his foot on the information board post and clambered over the top bar of the fence. He glanced at the capybaras. The biggest one was casually watching him. Nigel wasn’t as confident as Helen about the low risk of attack. He kept them in view as he carefully sidled across the uneven grass towards her phone.

A crowd was gathering, including Mark, Lucy and Bobby. Life in the capybara pen had suddenly become a lot more interesting. They gave him a cheer as he picked up the phone.

Then it stopped ringing. There was a collective groan.

‘Sorry I wasn’t quicker,’ Nigel said as he passed the phone over the fence to Helen.

‘It’s not your fault. Thank you, darling.’

Darling? She’d never called him that before. He’d have climbed into several capybara enclosures much sooner if he’d known it would have had that effect on her. Pity there was a fence between them.

‘Any ideas on how I get out again?’ he asked.

‘There’s a gate at the far end near the pond.’

‘With a big padlock on it.’

‘Yes, but it’s got crossbars. You could climb up those.’

It would probably work. He had no other ideas, so he may as well give it a go.

The biggest capybara was slowly walking towards him now. Sprinting to the gate might be a wise idea.

He gave up on watching the animals and focused on running. Cue lots of cheering and whoops from the crowd. Were they cheering him on or rooting for the capybara? Best not to dwell on that.

‘Go Uncle Nigel!’

At least Bobby was on his side.

‘Stop!’ The man’s voice had come from the other side of the fence. ‘You, in the enclosure. Stand perfectly still.’

Nigel instinctively looked around to see who the man was shouting at, as if it were likely that someone else had thought it was a good idea to join in.

‘I’d prefer to head to the gate.’

‘You’re worrying Elsie.’

‘Elsie?’ Nigel scanned the crowd for an anxious-looking elderly woman.

‘She’s behind you.’

Nigel felt something nuzzling his backside. Shit! Was Elsie that enormous capybara? He looked over his shoulder. Yes, she was sniffing the back pocket of his jeans. He gulped, imagining her massive front teeth sinking into his buttocks.

The keeper held up his phone.

‘What are you doing?’ Nigel asked.