Page 18 of Perfect Chaos

R: Name it.

G: Don’t tell anyone around me the risk if they ask. A’s girl was kidnapped recently too. I don’t want them involved with this.

R: I won’t say anything unless I have no other choice.

Ramos signs off after his last message. He has never been a ‘goodbye’ type of person, so it doesn’t bother me one bit. I need to get the information he is looking for as soon as possible. There is a lot on the line and I don’t want to be the one to fuck this up. I need to get my shit together and get Maizyn out of my head. I check the time on my phone, noticing that it’s already three in the afternoon. I finished talking to my last client almost an hour ago. I was going to stay and discuss everything with Atlas once he was finished with his meeting, but that can be done later. It’s not time-sensitive, and I am itching to get a jump-start on my deep dive for Ramos. Rising from my desk, I grab my jacket and send Atlas a quick text that I am heading home early and will catch up with him later.

Chapter Twelve

Maizyn

Atlas and Gavin went to work in the office today. Atlas woke me up this morning to tell me he was leaving and asked if I would be okay. Of course, I told him I would be fine. That has been my go-to answer anytime he asks, even if the opposite is closer to the truth. I should've gotten out of bed when he left. I should’ve tried to do anything productive. Instead, I tossed and turned for a few hours before finally dragging myself out of bed.

Emotions are hard when you feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I'm really starting to prefer the nightmares I see when I am asleep. At least I know most of what haunts me in my dreams actually happened. Awake me feels highly volatile lately. Instead of letting myself feel everything, I revert to anger, most of it aimed at Gavin, even though I know he is not to blame for how I'm currently feeling. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit guilty. He didn’t do anything to deserve my anger, but I can’t bring myself to actually care. Does that make me a bad person?

I don't even want to put the words Gavin and feelings in the same sentence. My emotions are hard enough to decipher without adding him to the mix. I still think about the way the other night made me feel. I loved it, but I know that I probably shouldn’t have at the same time. It’s a lot. The conversation about my panic attack and the mention of Trevor bordered on being too much at once for me to handle. Being fucked on Gavins lap was a beautiful distraction. But was that all it was?

Speaking of the conversation, I was far too drunk when the boys told me about Trevor being behind the accident to think in-depth about it. Having Atlas with me all week has been a pretty good distraction. If I'm not reading, then I have been pestering him. It doesn't stop my mind from racing the moment he leaves, though.

I rub the ugly scar near my ankle. The one Trevor put there. He is the reason all of this happened. He took Atlas from me and shattered any sense of the truth I thought I had. Over and over, I skip through what I remember happening over the last year. I think back to every single memory of Trevor, good and bad. How much of that actually happened the way I remember it? If I can forget Atlas, what else don’t I remember? How do you move on and heal when you can't trust your own thoughts?

I leave the bedroom. Hoping that pacing through the hall will help me focus. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to visualize all the tiny moments I misremember. The Trevor I once knew was controlling, but he swore he did it because he loved me. That didn't feel like love. The night I met Atlas flickers behind my eyes. I ran from Trevor and that was the first breath of fresh air I ever had. The first time I was truly myself. I replay every fight and argument between Atlas and me.

Atlas’ voice starts quietly. A low murmur at first that builds until it screams in my skull over and over again that I am ‘too much’. That he doesn’t need my chaos in his life. No. No. No. He didn’t mean that. He changed. Atlas loves me. Trevor acted like he changed too. It lasted until Atlas found me again. Trevor was good until he kidnapped me for trying to leave him.

What if I am still too much for Atlas?

He can’t know I'm spiraling. He can't find out that I’m slowly losing the battle with myself. He will leave me for something easier. I can’t lose him again. Is that why he fucked me on Gavin's lap the other day? Is he pushing me towards Gavin? Does he want to be rid of me? If I become his friend's problem, he can wash his hands of me without feeling guilty.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'M SO FUCKING STUPID! My breathing becomes rapid. I feel like my heart is going to fall out of my chest and onto the floor.

In. Out. In. Out. Breath!

I can't even fucking breathe right. Black spots fill my vision. I slide down the wall as the room begins to spin. Just breathe; it shouldn't be that hard. I try to force my lungs to expand, but it seems to have the opposite effect. My lungs burn and refuse to expand. The last thing I remember was my face landing on the soft rug before everything went black.

Atlas

Today is the first day I went to work at the office. I would have happily stayed home, but Gavin and I had a few clients who requested we meet them in person to discuss hiring our company for security at a few social events. We don’t really do events often, but high-profile clients prefer our work, so we try to accommodate them when we can. My control over the current situation is slipping. I thought I read Maizyn and Gavin correctly, yet it did not play out as well as I hoped.

She has been acting differently. I love her chaos, don’t get me wrong, but the good kind. The way she has been acting this week is becoming concerning. I battle with wanting to talk to her and being scared of pushing her away. I blame my father for that. If I had been raised thinking emotions were okay to feel, maybe I would know how to approach this situation. Maizyn keeps telling me that she is okay, but I am not blind. I can see that she is fighting battles she won't tell me about. I just wish she would trust me enough to open up to me about what is going on.

Hell, if I am being honest, Gavin seems off too. The last time he was this cagey was when he was doing a side job with Ramos a few months ago. I think that was right before everything with Maizyn happened. I don’t know why they act like I don’t know about them. It’s pretty obvious that they do them, yet they always refuse to tell me details. Maizyn and Gavin don’t talk to each other either. They either avoid each other completely or they resort to flipping each other off in passing. He is acting like a petulant child who is not getting his way. I’ve never seen Gavin act that way towards anyone, especially not a woman.

Speaking of Gavin, he texted me that he was heading home halfway through my second meeting. We haven’t talked about what happened, so I guess that's a good sign that he is not pissed at me or anything. I don’t know exactly what it means, but I am glad we are acting like everything is fine. Just as my meeting ends, my phone rings. Gavin's name flashes on my screen. Gavin won't call unless it's important. I answer immediately.

“Hey, man. Is everything alright?”

“It’s Maizyn! Just get here asap.” Click. His words are rushed and frantic. I am completely caught off guard by his sudden urgency. I stare at the call-ended screen on my phone for a few seconds before Gavin’s words sink in and I race home.

Gavin

The house is quiet when I get home. That's not surprising. It’s become what I expect lately. Heading through the kitchen, I grab a bottle of water on my way to my room. As I round the corner, everything comes to a stop; the water bottle slips from my hand as I rush over to Maizyn, passed out on the floor.

A thousand thoughts race through my head as I reach my fingers to her neck to feel for a pulse, none of them good. A sigh of relief escapes me the moment I feel the powerful thump-thump of her heartbeat against my fingers. My eyes flick to her chest, watching for the rise and fall of her chest. Thank fucking God! I don’t know what happened, but a solid heartbeat and breath have to be a sign it's not as bad as I originally thought. I don’t know if Atlas could handle anything bad happening to her. Fuck. Atlas! I frantically retrieve my phone from my pocket and hit ‘call’ on his contact. He picks it up on the third ring. I swear it feels way longer than the fifteen seconds it was.

“Hey, man. Is everything alright?” The question is clear in his voice. He knows I wouldn’t randomly call him unless it was important.

“It’s Maizyn! Just get here asap.” I end the call without waiting for a response. I know I probably should have explained a little better. Getting her off the floor seems more important. It’s not like I know what happened anyway. I don’t have details to tell him. Plus, everything in my body is screaming at me to hold her.